Real Email to Drummer Girl

Here is a real email I sent yesterday to Drummer Girl about fart guys.... No one is safe....

I am all about dook, not fart, baby... Farts are funny, but they are a PG version of Dook. Dook is like XXX. Farts are Bill Cosby & Dook is Richard Pryor... Man, I don't think anyone in the whole universe has ever likened the comedy of Bill Cosby & Richard Pryor to the differences between Dook & Farts... Monumental time here. I am glad I was able to share it with you....

Get A Leg Up...

At the end of our lunch today, Miss Panda & I were sitting at our bench smoking a cigarette before we went back to work when 2 men came walking out of our building. They looked like blue collar workers & the one in question was probably close to 300 lbs. Well "nasty ass" as Panda called him was walking about 20 ft away from us when he lifted his leg in mid stride & cut a fart. The movement was so fluid that I was taken aback. All I could say was "did you hear that"? Panda said that she heard something but didn't know what it was. I told her that it was "nasty ass" & that he lifted a leg & farted. We start laughing & then the two guys look back & see us & start laughing also. I don't think they noticed us before he lifted the leg. Good Times....

Eww...Look!

Since I'm going to be working my butt off for the next year saving up as much money as possible, I am going to be having boring ass days, so I thought why not go back in time & remember some funny stories from my past. One I was just reminded of yesterday. It concerns a pal named Johnboy, a breakfast burrito from Del Toxic & a tissue.... When I worked at Tower on Florin road many years ago, my co-worker & cohort in crime was Johnboy. He was always making me laugh. One day while I was eating a breakfast burrito from Del Toxic (which was in the same complex as our store where on a weekly basis was visited by cops because it was a favorite place to shoot up by the junkies after they visited the methedone clinic, also in the complex, & they would OD). I started to choke real bad. I regained my composure & a few hours later I was having problems with my sinuses & blew my nose repeatedly until the object came shooting out of my nose with a "Thunk" into my tissue. It was a huge piece of scrambled egg. I ran over to JB & told him "Eww...Look!" he looked & almost vomited. Very cool....

Don't read until you've seen the new Star Wars

Because I will ruin certain parts of it for you.... I just saw it last night & I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. It actually made me cry a little at the end. We all know that he turns into Darth Vader, but it's still sad. Man the best part & probably the harshest part was when Obi fucked up Vader. Man he even took his good arm. Now I know why Darth Vader was so pissed at Obi. Okay, enough of that because I am starting to make myself upset....

When I grow up I wanna be a fairy princess astronaut

I've been in a fog these past 12 years. I think now I've finally woken up from it. I think I need to get away from this town in order to finally live. So far my plan is to save up 20 grand, go to Europe, travel, poop & write a book. I don't have a career, no kids, no mortgage to pay & no relationship here. The only ties I have are my family & friends. I do love my home, but I need to embark on the world. After I get back from Europe, I am going to take my book & move to New York. Then I am going to live until I have to return home with my tail between my legs. I thought to myself, "I love music & making people laugh". I have no other career choice. I think I can write a silly little book about all the weird crap that happens to me. Who else can say that they almost got shot & died when their upstairs neighbor thought using a gun during sex was a good idea & who else can say they found a roasted squirrel in their car engine? I am thinking not very many people. I think odd stuff happens to people everyday, but most don't see it as a blessing, just a nuisance. I love telling people my stories of oddness. That is what I want to do. Who knows what can happen? Maybe I can get on writing for a comedy or something. I'll never know until I try. I hope Billie & Gary like big cities...

Riding a Whale Talking Like Yoda

Man, I had the weirdest dream last night. It started out that I was in this huge underground swanky mall. Everyone I practically know was there walking around. All of a sudden, everyone starts running towards the exits. I see my aunt & I am trying to get her out of there, but she is lagging. We are both pregnant. She is about 6 months along & I am about 3 months along. I final get her out & somewhere pretty safe, but there isn't any more room for me there, so I start running on the outside of the mall. Some parts look like New York, like Rockefeller center & it is getting blown up by aliens. All of a sudden I am riding a Orca whale around the blasts. Then I am back on the inside of the mall & people are running around trying to find somewhere safe. I keep on seeing men who look like PBD, but when I run up to them, they're not him. I get to a news station & I am talking like Yoda & no one can understand me. I am trying to tell them to broadcast that everyone needs to head to less populated areas, but they just end up locking me up in a room. I am trying to get out & finally do. I am running around trying to find a way to get out of the city because I know that the aliens are going to level it. I am also trying to find a cigarette. I am jonesing really bad for one & no one has one. I end up finding my uncle & aunt who have a vehicle. They tell me that they are going to San Francisco & I am trying furiously to tell them not to, but once again I am talking like Yoda. I end up telling them somehow to go up to their friends cabin deep in the woods, & they finally understand. I end up falling asleep in the car up to the cabin & while I'm asleep, I dream of BPD. He's getting into a plane to fly away with a whole bunch of rich people. He's even wearing an ascot. I am standing in front of him, but I know that I am just an apparition. He tells me in his mind that "I'm still leaving". I tell him "Just know that I still love you, but you don't have much time". Then he sighs & says "I still love you too", & then he jumps off the plane. Then I wake up....

Warriors, Come Out & Play....

One last thing, we also rode the same subway line as the Warriors. Yes, Kiki & I were quoting the above often & giggling like little girls the whole time....

FUCK TEXAS & THE END OF OUR ADVENTURE

Kiki & I stayed up all night before we had to catch our flight. We went to The Knitting Factory with the Vatos to see a show. Kiki was a bit tipsy, but I was alright. We took a cab to JFK, which was scary. Our flight was late taking off so when we finally ended up in Atlanta, we missed our connecting flight to Sac. We had to take a flight to Dallas and then to Sac. 4 States in one day sucks. When we get to Dallas, we have to go all over the airport because we are switching from Delta to American. We are tired, hungry & pissed by that time. We go through security to get to our gate when we are randomly chosen to get the full search done. I am about to cry, but the girl was really nice as she was feeling up my boobs & crotch area. "I'm not even supposed to be in Texas" is all I can say. Then my bags get searched by some good ole' boy. He pulls out my steal of the century & says "BINGO... Well Well Well, what do we have here?" By that time, I am not afraid or nervous or anything. I just look at him & say "What? I collect strange things from all the places I visit". Then he says smugly that he has to call the cops. The cops come & check it out & explain to me that it is routine because it is paraphanelia. I told them that I was sorry but I didn't think it was a big deal. I told him that they were more than welcome to test it if they wanted to. He looked at me & took me aside & told me "Next time just package it up real good & mail it home to yourself". Then he packages it back up & gives it to me to get on my way. You should have seen the look on Billy Bob Fuckton's face. Classic. I am NEVER going back to that fucked up state. Assholes.... Oh, Kiki & I were able to have Whitecastle burgers, but from "Krystals" which I guess is the same chain but in the south. Horrible stuff. Tastes just like cafeteria food. Oh, back in New York, I wanted to talk with a cute cop, so I found my chance to ask one where the subway was. Man o Man, this cop was the hottest. He looked like Ad-Rock. He also had a New York accent. Good Times!!!

Peace out from Dook York!!!

Well, these last couple of days have been fun filled & amazing. Kiki & I finished up our Museum tours & hooked up with a friend of my uncles. We met them outside of a music studio in Times Square. They are west side boyz so they hooked us up with some smoke which was soooo nice. We ended up smoking in the studio where Coldplay recorded "parachutes". It was amazing. It was the same studio that Michael Jackson recorded "Thriller". Amazing shit, man. We then went to the MOMA & then out for dinner & drinks. These guys were so sweet & we all had so much in common we ended up going back to their place in Brooklyn & staying up until the wee hours of the morning talking, smoking, listening to music & talking. The Brooklyn neighborhood they live in is mainly Jewish so Saturday we get up at noon & go out for some coffee & I swear it was like being in another time. All these Jewish families were walking around dressed like they probably have for the last 75 years. We felt like they were telling their girls to not grow up to be the hussies we are.... We crashed & met up with the Vatos later for a show. That was cool. Now we are wasting time before we have to get to the airport. Let's see if I've forgotten anything... We went to the sex museum. That was fun. Did you know that Marilyn Chambers was the face of Ivory Snow because of her wholesome look? Our crazy Hostel mate has the disorder where she pulls out all her eyelashes & eyebrows. She also has had a boob job. We saw an aftermath of some guy getting hit by a car. A car wreak & a couple of subway rats. I tried to take some pictures, but they were too quick. All in all a great time. No hookers, though. Peace out & can't wait to get to the West side.... Oh, we ended up not hooking up with the homeland security guys because the new guys we met were cooler. It ended up working out, though because they had to work late tonight anyways......

Crazy ass beyatch

There is a crazy bitch in our room. She came from Raleigh to get a nose job from some guy that was on Oprah. She had surgery & is recuperating in a hostel bedroom. Last night before her surgery, she was up & walking in circles moaning & making squeaking noises. Then she would go out into the hallway & come right back in slamming the door. Then she was making kitty muffins on the bedding. Bitch is crazy. On another note, I think I should move to New York. I got game here. I've talked to so many guys here. They come right up & start talking to me. It has been doing wonders for my ego. We went to Brooklyn yesterday & had a nice Sapranos style dinner at some place called Vinnies II in Bensenhurst. Very good, real Italian meal. We went to some more Museums. I did my own big bang at the museum of Natural History. We also went to the Jewish Museum & I did cry at one of the exhibits about the Holocaust. Other than that, it was a great museum & would recommend it for anyone who comes out here. We walked around a bunch. Tomorrow we are going to more museums & then getting gussied up to go out with my uncle. Saturday we are going to Battery park to meet the Homeland security guy. I talked with him on the phone the past couple of days & the guy keeps telling me how hot I am & how sexy I am. Usually I think I would be turned off by it, but he seems really sincere about it. Oh well, we'll see what happens on Saturday. I bought a cute short skirt just for the occasion. Peace out!

Oh the Places You'll Poop

Let's see, I've blessed Barneys, Bloomingdales, Elis Island, The Met, Toys R Us in Times Square, & a few other places that I can't remember right now because it is like 6 am here (3 am our time). Yesterday started out lovely. The weather was gorgeous & warm. Kiki & I decided to go to The Statue Of Liberty & Elis Island. When we got to Battery Park to catch a ferry, suprisingly enough the wait wasn't too long. There were tons of people dressed up like Lady Liberty who were, I guess Mimes (?), who looked like the statue & had hats out for money. Kiki & I both agreed it was scary. We had to go through a screening very much alike the check in point in an airport where you have to take off all your jewelry & shoes n stuff. While in line the rather cute homeland security guy started to ask me questions like where I'm from, my name, if I had a husband or boyfriend, how long I'm in town for; I guess the norm for homeland security. Then he said "I think you are soo cute & sexy, can I take you out sometime before you leave?", He really thought my tattoos were hot. So I said sure & I slyly gave him my cell number on some government letterhead... Score one for Gyna Girl! I've been feeling rather butch from all my tattoos because no one here has any. A few guys & I've seen 2 girls here with little tiny ones. I guess instead of being butch, I'm exotic... Well that boosted my self esteem to a 10 that day. When I checked my messages later that day, he had called already. I am playing coy so I am waiting until today to call him back. Maybe I can get my $10 I paid to get to Lady Liberty back in most fun ways at a later date ;) Liberty was neat & Elis Island also proved to be neat. I saw my great grandfathers name on the wall they have there. Kiki wanted to hit some thrift shops so we were off to the east side to check them out. They proved to be disappointing to Kiki. We decided to walk 40 blocks to Bloomingdales & check that out. I had a round in the chamber & was waiting for the right place to drop it, so off we went. Let me first say that Pigeons love to head dive Kiki. Many a time a pigeon will take off & almost attack her head. I told her that I would help her after I had taken a picture & stopped laughing at her if it did ever happen. I was about to get a taste of my own medicine. At some park I saw a squirrel. I squealed & ran over to it to try to take a picture. I did a squeaky noise to get his attention & I guess over hear that means "Hey squirrel, run straight for me at an alarming speed & jump on me & attack me", because that is what he did. I screamed & fumbled for my bag and ran like a mutha fucka. I didn't even look back. Kiki laughed & promised to help me, but only after she had taken a picture of it attacking my head & she stopped laughing... We got to bloomingdales & I blessed it, then we left. We decided to hit a bar & found one right around the corner of the Hostel. We ended up meeting a great couple from Manchester. Spencer & Tim were sooo much fun. We drank with them until poor Spence started to pass out at the bar. Tim & Kiki were talking for days about some wanky brit bands & Spence and I talked about our mutual love for Justin Timberlake. We are going to meet up with the boys in Coney Island today for more hijinks. Kiki & I decided to get something to eat before heading back to the Hostel & had our first taste of New York Pizza. $2 a slice at 1 am rules! Then we headed back & passed out. No vomiting.... Well our adventure will continue today, so I am off to get some rest before heading back out there & representin' the West side, beyatch!

Steal of the Century

Today we walked about 80+ blocks.... New York blocks... Kiki & I had drinks at CBGB's (I was disappointed because the beer was very flat & expensive, but what the hell) & I tagged the outside with a Gyna sticker.... We walked throughout Soho, Greenwich Village & lots of other places. While in Soho on the outer parts of it which I think was the outskirts of China town, there were tons of street vendors. One had a bunch of pipes. There was one rather large good looking water pipe. The vendor wanted $25 bucks for it. I talked him down to $15. This pipe would cost me over $60 easily at home. I haggled & got something cool in return. I feel proud! I also got a cool pair of sunglasses from another vendor for $3. We walked & walked & walked & Kiki did a bunch of shopping. We were a couple of blocks away from the empire state building. We will visit that tomorrow. We had a DELICIOUS dinner with my uncle at a Brazilian restaurant. It was very swanky, but meat central. These guys walked around with HUGE skewers of all kinds of meat & sliced it off in front of you & served you right there. Man was it good. No drinking for Kiki & I until the weekend. We are just exhausted from walking so much. Better so, the bars will be safe until Friday. Tomorrow we will be hitting Elis Island & the Statue of Liberty. We probably will be seeing the Empire State Building in the evening. Peace out to you West Side Beyatches!!!!!

Representing the West Side....

Mistress Kiki & I started our adventure as soon as we got on the plane in Sac town. Kiki had the lovely pleasure of sitting next to an elderly gentleman with a voice box. She did quite well when he talked with her. I wouldn't look at him because I would have asked him to say "Bididi" like Twiggy from Buck Rodgers (It may have been battle star galactica, I don't remember). So for the rest of the trip to Atlanta I couldn't get "Origato Mr. Roboto" out of my head. We we finally arrived in the big apple, my uncle was there to meet us. We followed him at high speeds through the subway where Kiki sat in something we will hope was water. We had a nice dinner & got to see Times Square (which reminded me of Vegas). We got a little tipsy because my Uncle busted out the Dom Perignon. We ended up back at the hostel & rested up for our next day. Saturday we walked through central park & saw wonderful stuff there & then we walked down Park avenue & Madison avenue to see the shops & get to Barneys. Kiki purchased some Japanese face cream. We went into a few stores & had the best mocha in the whole fucking world. Seriously I would marry this mocha if it had a dick. Kiki agrees. We went into this one kids store where you had to be buzzed in & non of the clothes had price tags. We then met my uncle at the Met & walked around & saw art n stuff. After a few hours of seeing Jesus as baby Jesus & dead Jesus, I was a bit bored with it. Also my feet had started hurting because we walked probably close to 150 blocks. We are going back to the met because we still didn't see everything. Our evening then started to take shape. We had a lovely dinner with sangria at a nice little Cuban resturant then proceeded to any bar we could find. We started out at the dead Poet & had a couple there. We then walked many blocks trying to find another bar & couldn't, so we asked a guy on the street who had an English accent & told us to follow him to a nice place a couple of blocks away. He then proceeded to tell us about how his girlfriend is knocked up & he's not ready for a baby & he wants her to get an abortion. Great conversation. We got to the place & got seated at the bar & then the evening gets a little blurry from there. There was a horrible cover band playing decent songs mixed with really horrible 80's pop, like Mike & the Mechanics & Phil Collins. When they played Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer" things got odd. The whole bar started to sing along like it was their national anthem. Kiki showed her love by yelling out "Jersey Rules!" several times. She also tried to help them out by recommending "Free Bird" to no avail. I lost a cute guy at the bathroom because, I'm sorry, but I really needed to pee. Then we went to the otherside of the bar where we consumed more & more alcohol & before you knew it, we were singing along at the top of our lungs to "I Will Survive". Kiki made a great effort in trying to find us some weed, but the only guy who might have had it, wanted ass for grass & we wouldn't party like that. Maybe if it would've been some humbolt shit, but I am sure East coast grass isn't as good as home grown cali shit. We then started to tell everyone who would listen that we were representin' "West Side", beyaches. Kiki even helped me out with the hand thing for it. We meet some nice guys from Sweeden or something who were also looking for weed with no luck. Then I went outside for a smoke & almost couldn't get back in until nice gentlemen helped me up the stairs because for some reason my equilibrium was off. Maybe the plane or the time change it couldn't have been from the god knows how many beers I had consumed. Then I think I got food poisoning from the Cuban place because I exploded in the hall way of the Bon Jovi place. Good Times... Kiki did a wonderful job of getting us a cab & getting us back to the hostel. All I know is that when I woke up, I had all my clothes on with everything still in my pockets still drunk off my ass & my shoes were soiled. I am still drunk now. Good Times. Still representing the west side beyatches!!! Stay tuned for another installment tomorrow or something.....