A very butty New Years!

This morning when I woke up, I stretched but I was in a funny position & I ended up getting a Charlie horse in my butt cheek. I’ve never gotten one there. Gotta tell you it hurts like a mofo. My butt is still sore. I guess I’m finishing off 2005 butt hurt, literally vs last year when I was butt hurt figuratively. I’d rather my butt hurt than my feelings hurt any day, so I guess this horrible year is finally over & I can’t wait for the New Year! Hope everyone has a great New Years!

baddong but funny...

Because I am a nice little mix of Greek & Mexican, I have some distinct characteristics I can blame on my ancestry. I am feisty, sassy, passionate, hard worker, gain weight in my belly & tan really well. I believe that this comes from my Mexican genes. I am proud, a smoker (like a good Greek girl should be), argumentative, tall (from my peasant olive picking ancestors), a unibrow & can tan really well. This comes from my Greek side. From both sides I have the blessing of having a mustache. Thank god I don’t have a furry butt nor am I really hairy otherwise, but I do sport a ‘stache. Last night I was nair’ing my ‘stache as I do occasionally when it starts to go crazy. It looks like a 12 year old boy’s mustache. I like to call it a “Paco” mustache. You know, blond hair on the upper lip, but a couple of dark hairs on the corners of your mouth. While I was removing the Nair, I thought to myself; “I wonder if I can Nair my ‘stache to make it look like a Hitler mustache if you look really close?” By the time I thought of doing it, it was already Naired off. I have decided since I can’t grow a handlebar mustache that I will try to grow a Hitler mustache. Boys, don’t worry. You can’t really see the hair, but at least I will know. Plus if you are nice, in a few months I will let you get close enough to me to actually see it. Keep your fingers crossed!

Wacky Work Adventures of Gynagirl

I don’t have a lot of time, but I just had to tell you all this. I was answering phones at my job & got a call from guy about some delinquent bills. He didn’t know about them, his sister is in a psychiatric ward, his parents don’t speak English etc. He wants me to cancel the penalties. I tell him “No”. I can’t do it. Then the guy starts to cry. Long 45 minute story short, it was his sister’s house, but she had to turn it over to her parents because she is in a psychiatric ward. His parents are immigrant farmers who don’t speak English. His sister ran away to Oakland where “the lazy black people are”. They both have yellow teeth because his immigrant parents gave them herbs that turned their teeth yellow, so his sister decides to grind her yellow teeth done until they break off. Then her arranged Chinese husband divorces her because she is ugly without teeth. “He was her first if you know what I mean”. Yes I do know & no I didn’t want to know. They were in a mobile home park for Thanksgiving & the white people gave them lots of canned food, even though most of it was gross. Now he is going to send in her psychiatric records, her divorce papers & a picture of her teeth. I am not making this up. If anything, I am forgetting some stuff. Good times….

Our 15 minutes of cable fame

We got a call from some guy with a cable access show about California artists. We are going to be on it talking about being an all girl band. I’ll get you guys the date as soon as I know it. I wonder if I can lay a silent but deadly while we are being interviewed? I wonder if we can do the “meow” thing. I have to do something….

Jesus is dissapointed in Gynagirl...

Ok, not a big surprise, but I absolutely hate Christmas music. It makes me want to bash my own head in every time I have to listen to it. This morning on my bus, the bus driver had X-Mas music playing. It sounded like a retarded kid choir. There was some woman singing at the top of her lungs about a drum. Funny stuff. Then the bus driver gave me a pat & told me he loved me. Good times.

There have been a plethora of “Save the Children” commercials on TV for the past couple of weeks. One of them has little kids singing “Jesus loves the little children”, which I find disturbing in the Michael Jackson kind of way, while they show pictures of poor kids in 3rd world settings. If Jesus truly loved the little children, would he have them born into poverty? OK, I guess I am going to hell for that one, but I seriously think that every time I see that ad. All I think is of the happy fat little kids singing that song, their bible thumping parents staring proudly while little Umbatoo is starving with a bloated belly & flys living in his eyes. Does Umbatoo really need Jesus in his life? I think Umbatoo needs some nutrition.

He gonna f*ck that little cow...

Has anyone seen that commercial where the guy is dancing & shaking the cow? I think it’s for a fast food milkshake or something. I find this commercial disturbing. He is shaking the cow as it “moo”s, dancing & looking at the camera in a provocative way. Why? I understand the whole “Milkshake” idea, but why do they have to make a commercial that shows a guy sexing up a cow? Does it make you want to drink a milkshake or call the authorities? It is almost as bad as the tampon canoe commercial that I freaked out about last year….

Thoughts on Cufflinks & Flash Gordon

I discovered the other night that I think cufflinks on a man is sooo hot. I am not really sure why I just discovered it. I just thought about cufflinks & then a guy & then BOOM, I was thinking naughty thoughts. I think it's the thought of the cufflinks on a nice pressed shirt, with a little bit of man wrist showing. I just want to smell & lick the wrist.

I watched a bit of Flash Gordon on TV this weekend. I remember thinking it was the coolest movie when I was a kid. It's not. It sucks so hard core I couldn't watch it all the way to the end & I was baked. I think I could watch it again if I was with other people so we could make fun of it together. I tried to call Kiki to tell her how bad it was, but she was at work. Seriously, it's bad.

Gynagirl = PC

Does anyone else ever hear "me Chinese. me play joke. me put peepee in your coke" in their head every time they go potty? For some strange reason I do about 90% of the time

Tales about my cats dexterity & butts....

Since I basically don’t have a life until tax season is over, I can tell you tales of my kitties. I know I am a crazy cat lady. My cats are the only other living beings I see on a daily basis that aren’t involved with my work, so I am writing about a few observations & updates on the little guys…

First, the boys, Papi Pequeno & Gary, have learned how to put the shower on. I was taking a nap on Saturday & I heard the shower turn on. When I went to investigate, I saw both boys on the tub looking at the water. Now I have to make sure I tighten the knobs when I turn the shower off.

Second, Papi Pequeno has a gas problem. He farts a lot. Last night he was laying on me & he farted & it sounded like a regular fart. I thought that you had to have butt cheeks in order to fart, but in Papi’s case, that isn’t correct.

Two completely unrelated stories about my nether regions

As most people who know me will tell you; I don't like to wake up. I don't care what time it is or how much I have slept. I have never woken up "bright eyed & bushy tailed" ever.... Wait, let me qualify that... I have woken up happy, but it was because it involved a dinker in my who-ha. Anyways, I always wait until the last moment to get my arse out of bed so I have a set amount of time that I spend on every act I perform in the morning.. Morning pee-1 min, shower-10 mins (unless I can combine the two) Yes I do pee in the shower & yes I am a girl. I ain't frontin', it's just peepee... anyways I usually never factor in the whole poop in the morning because I usually go a little closer to noon, but this morning I had to drop some violent kids off at the pool. But wait... I didn't budget for that time. I had to cut something out of my routine... My makeup. But wait, I am a crafty gal, I could pinch a loaf & put on makeup at the same time. So here I am growing a tail with a big blue Kaboodool on my lap trying to put on mascara while I grunt. Not an easy task, but do-able.

Second story. Since I got my promotion, I have to dress nicer. I now where skirts with tights. I usually sit at my desk either with one of my legs tucked under me or cross legged style. Now I am a tall gal & tights usually start falling after the first hour of wearing them. You can usually find me in the bathroom doing the "pull up the tights" dance often. This morning I was busy & couldn't make it to the bathroom so I sat down & put my leg underneath me & I felt this rip. I blew a hole in the crotch of my tights. Today is a cold day & thank god I am wearing chonies because I keep on getting a breeze where the sun don't shine. I always wear undies because if I don't it feels like my soul is falling out....

If you like unicrons, you love my personal...

Every once in a while, I will get a email from some lonely guy looking for love. Why I had in the past succumbed to the online love search, I closed said account back in March. Didn't work. See the blog about Mr. MC Hammer pants. Anyways, there is my profile out there somewhere & I can't find it. Not bothered enough to hunt it down, but it will still catch me off guard. I got another one today from a 42 yr old man with kids who likes to "hike, bike, spend romatic evenings by the fire" ect. He also wants "someone to wake up with & share a pot of coffee". I am always very nice in replying but what I really want to do is send back my real profile as it would concern a future partner.... It goes a little something like this...

Gynagirl
interests: fecal matter, parasitic twins (dead or alive) retarded cats. Love the outdoors if it includes beer. Loves long walks on the beach if it includes beer. Fires are cool if you are trying to light a bowl with it. I want to wake up each and every morning with a dinker in my who-ha. No games, unless it involves beer.

Cookie Monster Metal

A couple of things while I have time. Nothing too exciting happening in my life but work. This job is giving me heartburn even before I eat anything. Oh & another thing; I woke up with the hiccups. I've never woken up with the hiccups before. Very odd. Anyways some of the exciting/funny stuff I discovered this weekend is;
1. Another name for "Death Metal" is "Cookie Monster Metal". It is funny because if you've ever listened to death metal it DOES sound like the Cookie monster.

2. Two of my favorite artists are working together. Josh Homme (AYE Homme!) is working with Peaches on her new album. I believe if you threw in some dark chocolate, that would be a wet dream for me.

3. I bought the new QOTSA live cd/dvd & it is great. If you are a fan of the Queens, you'll love this combo. Plus Josh Homme is yummy. He also curses up a storm that (as you can ask Mensa) makes my panties drop....

Is it you God? It's me, Gynagirl.

Sorry I haven't been around lately, but I have been slammed with my new job. I won't bore you with the details, but I'll at least get some bloging in today. Yesterday I discovered two things that I will share with you...
1. I went clothes shopping for my new job. I am wearing heels today. Can you believe that? & slacks?!?!?!?! Anyways, I also need some new boule holders so I went & got my usual C, but it was too small... My boules have graduated to D cups. I can't believe it. My nice perfect handful C's have now grown to a bouncy D cup. My girls are growing up so fast. At least now my girls are comfortable in their new home. I am just worried about sagging when I get older. I always moisturize, though.
2. As I was trying to get to sleep last night, instead of counting sheep or meditating, I came up with the most foul disgusting insult I could think of. "3 day old cumm, curry dookie infested, *nal gonnoreyah, leaky boil on a punctured hemorrhoid, *sshole...."
ps. While my spelling is atrocious at times I am purposely misspelling key baddy words.

More Tales of Gary the One-Eyed Wonder Cat

Gary has had a problem recently with scratching my bedroom door & my bedroom wall. The wall paper is shredded in one area. He sits there & meows at the wall & scratches at it. I know because of his breed that he is a very pitter-paw kitty & likes to figure out how to open things & picks things up with his paws, but last night I almost killed him. FYI, most people who know me know this, but I am a most cheery person most of the time, except when I am sleeping. I could beat a baby seal over the head with a bat & not remember it if it woke me up. Last night I locked the boys (Gary & Papi Pequeno) out of my bedroom because Billie Buttons & I were sleeping peacefully & the boys just wanted to run around & play. Around 2:47 am I start to hear Gary scratching & meowing at my bedroom door. Usually after a minute or two he will stop & go off & play, but not last night. He scratched on & on. After 5 minutes of this I got up & went to my kitchen & grabbed some Foil & some tape & headed back to my bedroom door. The whole time I am cursing the cat in cruel & unusual ways. If there was a K.P.S. (Kitty protective services) I would have my babies taken away from me for verbal abuse. So here I am cursing up a storm, threatening to take his only good eye, sitting & taping up tin foil with Santa tape so my bedroom door looks like a tweakers wet dream & it's almost three in the morning. I actually think the cats were laughing at me. I pat myself on the back for a good foil job & go to the potty before I retire again when I see Gary touching the foil with his pitter paw & start to shred it & eat it. Aluminum foil DOES NOT detour cats from scratching stuff. Back to square one & my trusty "Meow Meow Satan squirt bottle". I had to get up & squirt the hell out of Gary for about an hour before he finally gave up. Needless to say I am cranky today.

This is real from the Sheriff's website. Check out why he was arrested...

Inmate Name

SACKRIDER, TERRY DONALD
Aliases

CAPTAIN-SAC, AKA SACKRIDER
X-Reference Number

X-34686
Booking/Registry Number

xxxxxx
Date of Birth

Sex

Male
Height

6'00"
Weight

225 lbs.
Facility


Housing Location

HFD
Mailing Address

Booking Date/Time

08/28/05 at 01:40 AM
Arresting Agency

SACRAMENTO SHERIFF - NORTHEAST DIVISION
Type of Arrest

Pickup (Fresh Arrest)
Charges/Bail
Commitment (local)
PC 314.1
Felony

INDECENT EXPOSURE OF PRIVATE PARTS IN PUBLIC PLACE
Bail: No Bail
Total Bail

Ineligible for Bail
Outstanding Warrants

Unknown
Projected Release Date

04/29/06
Next Court Date

No Court Dates Scheduled
Court Location & Dept.

No Court Dates Scheduled

THANK YOU SACRAMENTO! NOW I GOTTA POO!!!

Instead of boring you all with my tales of my new job, ie; freaking out, running around with my head chopped off & passing out at 8 pm after my first day, I will tell you a tale of poo. On Saturday we had a show to play. I kept on messing up. Not because I was nervous, but because I had to take a major dook. Seriously, I was trying not to shit my pants while I was rocking out on my guitar. If you ever wondered what goes on in a performers head, that was it Saturday night...."one.two.three... one.two....GO BACK IN TURTLE HEAD....one.two... don't shit your pants on stage..."

"No time for love, Dr. Jones"

I am really busy finishing up at my old job before I go to my new position on Monday, but I had to share an actual email I sent to a co-worker about a situation I was unable to discuss but know because I am now in management.... I think I am ready for management!


"Thank you... I wish I could help you in your inquiry, but I am unable to comply for reasons I must not divulge but hope you understand. It is nothing personal & if indeed you are a bit butt-hurt about it, I will do my leadworker duties & show you my boules in an attempt to distract you & your questioning mind. I believe that tactic works for most males."

ps. "Boules" are boobies....

My mom + Darth Vader = Darth Gyna

Last night I watched the 3rd installment of Star wars. I saw it in the theater when it first came out, but re-watched it out of boredom last night. It made me think of a few things...

1. Why were 95% of the Jedi's pussys? You'd think they would know if someone was thinking about killing them before it happens because of the Force. The only one that seems to know what the hell is going on is Yoda (who, when I was small, scared the hell out of me. I actually remember covering my eyes when I was a kid watching "Empire Strikes Back" in the theater with my aunt & uncle).

2. Why did Padame have to go through natural childbirth? Don't they have epidurals in space?

3. Why did Padame die? I think they want us to believe that she died of a broken heart, but once again, don't they have life support in space?

4. If Darth Vader/Anikin Skywalker is so full of the force, shouldn't he be able to feel his children being born? He should get something, right?

5. How did a little whinny white kid (who, I will say, does look hot when he goes over to the dark side) get James Earl Jones's voice when the helmet goes on? If they don't have life support or epidurals, I'm thinking voice changers aren't in space either....

6. Does anyone else laugh every time someone says "Younglings"?

7. Does anyone else hear the Darth Vader theme music when they know they are in trouble or something bad is going to happen? I hear it all the time.

I am sure I have more questions about the installment, but over all I was surprised that I liked it so much. After the first two gay ass Disney Jar Jar Binks installments, I was pleasantly surprised that there was maiming & killing. The way it should be. Did anyone else think that young Anikin Skywalker looked like a young John Denver?

I was also reminded of my mother. She is absolutely in love with Darth Vader. The love goes back to the first Star Wars. I think if she were able to sleep with anyone in the world, it would be first Darth Vader & then second Adam Ant (circa 1982). She actually dragged my brother & I to a county fair to take pictures with Darth Vader when I was like 6. She said it was for us, but even then we knew it was all her. She has Darth Vader stuff all over her room. We give her stuff like moving talking banks (that are actually pretty cool), bubble bath bottles, figurines & anything else we can find. I think in a galaxy far far away, Darth Vader would be my daddy....

Oatmeal, it's the right thing to do if you are a gambler...

While I was talking to Drummergirl last night when I was waiting for the bus, I noticed that I saw about 5 old men that looked like Wilford Brimley that day. Why is it that all white old men with mustaches look either like Wilford Brimley or my personal favorite, Kenny Rogers? One of my favorite websites used to be www.menwholooklikekennyrogers.com but they haven't updated it in almost a year. My favorite was "Satanic Kenny". While Wilford Brimley still looks like he could kick my ass if I didn't eat my oatmeal, it's Kenny I am worried about. I seriously adore Kenny. I have on vinyl & on CD his greatest hits. I ain't ashamed to say that I will occasionally rock out to the K-man & I'm not talking "Islands in the Stream" pussy shit, I am talking "Coward of the County". Just listen to the lyrics. It's about a guy who everone thinks is a pussy. Then the Gatlin brothers gang bang his girlfriend, Becky & he goes balistic. "Lady" is the ultimate get in your panties love song. "Ruby don't take your love to town" is about a vietnam vet who can't get it up so his wife goes to town looking for dick. And you guys thought Pantera was hardcore....

Seriously, the bitch looks like Michael Bolton...

This weekend, I worked & basically slept because I was & now am getting sick. Sunday there was a family emergency so I was worried on top of running a fever. I had ordered season 5 of "Sex in the Shitter" from Netflix. While I can admit watching atrocious movies & TV here, I am not so bold that I can go into Blockbuster & rent them in front of real people. So needless to say, I had like 5 hours of bad TV I was able to watch. What came of it was horrible fever induced nightmares on my couch of me being 36, dressed horribly, blowing UPS guys, being bitter & looking like Michael Bolton. I woke up from said nightmare & called Kiki almost in tears. She reassured me that I wouldn't look like Michael Bolton dressed in bad clothes when I turn 36. Which made me think....

Being a single girl now in her 30's with my biological clock ticking; is there a time when we lose hope in finding out what ever happened to Michael Bolton?

"You are the griddle. I am the meat..."

You know how you get a CD & you absolutely love it so much that you listen the hell out of it until you are so sick of it you don't want to see it? Well I just re-discovered one of my loves from the past. "Loveage. Music to make love to your old lady by". I haven't heard it in probably 2 years & this morning at 5:30 am I wanted something I haven't heard in a while & this popped out. I am glad because it's now 7 am & I am rocking it! Fucking fabulous CD. Jennifer Charles & Mike Patton (sigh). There is a fucking brilliant version of "Sex (I'm a)" You can't go wrong.

On a completely different note, I passed out on my couch last night at 7. I have been working lots of overtime at work & I fighting a cold so I was exhausted, plus I had to be here for more OT this morning at 6 am. My phone went off twice. Once from Kiki who left a message telling me about a $100 tip left by Greek people because she told them she had a adopted Greek family & dropped both my last name & my moms. The customers are actually my Noona's (Godmothers) family. Good to be Greek. When I waitressed, I got a $50 tip on a $20 bill. They were Greek also. Greeks are usually cheap bastards, but for their own, they aren't. Anyways, the other call was a text from TMG from last week. He text me "Hey"........ At 1:30 am... Hmmm Haven't talked to him, but I am thinking booty call? He used to call me when we were hanging out at the wee hours in the morning. I thought it was odd until Kiki told me he was probably trying to hook up a booty call... I didn't believe her ( I am naive) until I noticed that after I told him I was in bed with PBD he would usually get off the phone real quick. I wonder if last night was a booty call? Maybe he just wanted to talk... Very odd. I responded at 5:30 am this morning. We'll see if he responds...

Hey, you got a little something stuck on your head...

They said that before they removed the twin, it would cry & want to eat... Happy Friday!!!

Oh, what large cuff links you have...

Not a whole lot going on in my life right now. Just working late every day to get all my work done before I leave for my new job. As some of you know, I work for the government. When people or agencies don't pay their taxes, I file liens against them. Good times. I actually like my job. It's fun being paid to be a bitch. Well today I see that the California Republican Party is delinquent. Guess who will be the last lien I file on before I leave?!?!?! Oh, I went downstairs in my building this morning & saw the most delectable guy. He was cute, but what won me over was the fact that he was in a really nice suit. Usually I don't like dressed up men so much, but this guy had to be in his late 20's, cute as hell & sporting a nice suit & tie that he wasn't used to. Nothing hotter that a hot awkward guy in a nice suit... Yummy.. If I wasn't at the end of my break I would've grabbed him & dragged him in the bathroom & did some naughty things to him...

I'm Rick James, Bitch! & showering with two boys...

This morning I let my soul glow. With the moisture in the air, my new hair cut, my bangs & some gel, I now look like Rick James. I kinda like it. On a completely different note, my boys, Gary & Papi Pequeno, are completely & utterly cute. They have been following me every where because I really haven't been home that much. Both of my boys fetch. Papi Pequeno brings me his toys for me to throw. He likes to bring me toys when I am sleeping, in the shower or when I am sitting on the pot. There are toys in my bed when I wake up & he was dropping them in the shower when I was in there, but today he actually jumped into the shower with his toy & was waiting for me to throw it. Usually the boys will wait on the bathtub ledge in between the shower curtains while I am bathing, but Papi has taken it one step further. I would think the water would scare him, but it doesn't. Gary is getting older so he doesn't play as much as he used to but he still nurses in my armpit. He slobbered up a storm last night. I feel bad, but he wakes me up in the middle of the night slobbering & making kitty muffins in my pit so I have to kick him off the bed. Strange boys. Hopefully they will eventually chill out like my Billie girl.

R.I.P. NARDS

Nards, you were a special mouse & I think because I found you dead in your wheel at the ripe old mouse age of two & a half, I know you died a happy, crusty old mouse. You were meant to be a meal for Murray the snake, but for some reason, Murray didn't want to eat you. After a couple of days I felt bad for you living in constant fear & started to sneak food to you in the snake cage. I made PBD sneak you food also when I couldn't. We named you "Nards" because of your, well, huge mousy nards. After about 2 weeks, you got too big for Murray to eat so Inca was going to trade you in for a smaller mouse, but I knew that you cheated death & deserved to live a fat mousy life. I went to the pet store & bought you a deluxe mouse cage with a psychedelic water mushroom & a silent wheel. We had the bright idea to buy only female feeder mice for Murray so you could have a romantic evening with them before they were sacrificed. We thought with your huge nards, it was uncomfortable to not have periodic releases. The first mice ladies were "Paris" & "Nicky". Nicky turned out to be a boy, but that didn't stop you from going from the gold. You were crazy for Paris & I think I saw a tear in your little mouse eye when we feed her to Murray. The day I bought you a mouse ball so you could roll around was great! Good times, Nards. You cheated death many times, not just with Murray the snake. You were a morsel to Billie the cat who would stalk you when you were rolling around in your mouse ball. You have been dropped a few times. Gary the cat has almost eaten you. The final few months of your life I knew that the time was almost upon us. You were going to the big wheel in the sky soon. You lost weight. Your eyes were getting fogged. Your once magnificent nards, were shriveling up like raisins. You started to go bald. But deep down inside I knew you were happy. Every time I heard your little wheel going & going & going. This morning when I went to say good morning, I didn't hear your little wheel. I knew something was up. I found your little old body in your wheel. Just the way you probably wanted to go. I'll miss you...

SIR, YES SIR!!!

Does anyone else other than Kiki & I think they are turning into dirty old ladies as we get older? Case in point, I saw an ad for the new movie "Jarhead" with Jake Gyllenhaal. I really like Jake. He's a cute & a great actor, but when I saw the ad for the movie, something stirred in my naughty bits. "Oh my" I thought to myself. Why do I have these utterly naughty thoughts going thru my head about sweet little Jake? Well, first of all, he looks so fricken hot it isn't funny. I called Kiki & told her that we HAVE to go & see this movie because Jake & many other young little hotties are running around in the desert with their shirts off in uniforms ripped as all shit doing war stuff.... Makes me feel like a dirty old lady, on the plus side, I have a new fantasy involving a long soldier girl named Gynagirl stuck out in the desert with her platoon of all hottie men because their truck breaking down. One thing leads to another & well you get my drift....

Oh, BTW I was so involved with my new yum yum fantasy that I forgot to ask if there was anyone else who wanted to go see this when it comes out. So far it's just Kiki & I....

I have a staff!!! (teeheehee I said "staff")....

I got the promotion! I will have a staff of 10 people. I aced the interview even with a raging hangover!!!! I will be the "supervisor" people want to talk to when they call. God help them because I am a raging bitch!

I swear I could hear my ovaries shriviling up...

Last night I had to baby-sit my little nephew, Beast-tos who is 14 months old. Usually we have a blast, but last night he had a little cold & he was teething. He cried for over two hours straight. I called my mom & told her not to expect any more grandbabies for a long long time. Did I mention that the kid headbutted me in my nose? Seriously, here I am trying not to cry because my nose is bleeding & in sooo much pain, also because I feel bad for the baby. My brother comes in & the beast stops crying. Ack* My brother has no kid experience other than his kid. I've been around kids & babies all my life & he has the golden touch. Maybe I'm just not cut out for kids. At least for the next couple of years until I can afford a nanny.

Tits McGee has the night off, folks...

I just had an angry customer on the phone. He said his name was "Tits Johnson". Thank god for the mute button because I couldn't stop laughing especially as he is yelling into the phones what idots we are. Seriously dude, your name is "Tits". Can I really take him seriously? He was an old guy too.... Thought I would share....

Notice I am wearing a "Rod Stewart" shirt...

Cause I am kooky that way. It also sparkled. It's weird because I have about 4 more tattoos now that aren't in this pic. My skin looks so nekked...

The Infamous GynaCave...

Few have seen the inside & lived... This is where rock is born...

The Infamous VanGyna...RIP

Once again, I am smoking...

Will Rock 4 Food

We finally got our band pictures from back in the day...

But will you love me tomorrow?

Got my hair cut last night with MonkeyGirls hair stylist. Looks cute now because it is blown out, but we'll see how it hangs curly. So far so good. Great haircut. Thanks MonkeyGirl!!! After I got done, I got a message from Kiki telling me that she was going to meet Text Message Guy (from last week) at the bar at 8 & I should join them. I went & had a blast!!! I didn't get home until after 2. We went to one bar & then to another & then back to TMG's house. It was great seeing him again. At first it was a little odd because the last time I saw him we had slept together when we both were seeing other people (I didn't cheat because my ex & I weren't at the relationship point, but that came about 2 weeks after my tryst, but he on the other hand did. I didn't find out about it until after we did it), but after a few drinks, it was rad. He looks good. Tight body & his hair is longer. I found out that he was an Olympic finalist for boxing & was beat out by Oscar De Lahoya. I knew he boxed in the Army, but I had not know that he was in the Olympics. Did I mention that his body is tight? Usually I don't like the muscular body type. I like my men squishy, but man, he is ripped. Anyways, he kept on asking me about our night together. He was like a girl "was I good, did you have fun" it was so funny because I had to assure him that he was fine. I really don't remember much & had to even ask him if I had given him a BJ (I did), but he was so self conscience about it. He told me that he was having problems performing that night because he knew it could've been more than a tryst. That made me feel really good. I think he was sad that I ended up going out with my ex instead of him because he kept asking me how he measured up to PBD (pretty but dumb for you newbies out there). We are going to get together & jam. He plays guitar & is going to teach me how to play a metal solo & I am going to teach him how to write a melody. We had a hardcore discussion about who were the fathers of metal. He swears it's Iron Maiden, but we say it's Black Sabbath. I thought we might come to blows, but to each his own... I also had a big promotion interview this morning. Even highly hungover, I cleaned up really well & gave an outstanding interview. My head hurts & I have had too much coffee...

The only "matter" that matters...Fecal...

Not a whole lot happening in Gyna-land. Catching up from my surgery. What I have discovered is that my sense of smell is slowly coming back. The past couple of days I have noticed that I am able to smell my own poop finally. I seriously couldn't smell it for years unless it was especially foul. Now I am able to smell it all. I was at first shocked, disgusted & finally happy that I am able to gag at my bodily waste. That means the surgery was a success! On the down side, I have discovered that Papi Pequeno farts. He also has the worst smelling dookie in the world. He likes to save his stanky biscuits for when I am in the bathroom trying to get ready for work. I think he is happy that I can smell & is making sure my nose is working. My nose still feels like I have been repeatedly smacked in the head with a shovel. I went to get the splints removed last Friday & they pulled out two 1x2 inch plastic things from the inside of my nose. I didn't even think my nose had all that room in there. Pain & stank sum up my past couple of days....

Hey, it's Corky Kitty!

I have accepted the fact that I am a freak/retard magnet, but sometimes I just want to read my book or just not be bothered so I get pissy. Case in point, yesterday while I was waiting freak/retard central ie: my bus stop, this retarded girl comes up and asks me if the 45b has come by. I told her nicely that I wasn't sure. She leaves & comes back a minute later & asks the same question so I just ignore her. While this is going on, I am on my cell phone checking my messages & TMing the guy I blogged about on Monday. She tells me I have a nice phone & I thank her then she asks if she can use it... "No." I tell her. "Why?" she asks. I explain that I am in the middle of using it. She then asks if she can use it after I am done & I tell her "No", but by now I am pissy & abrupt. Then I just walk away from her. About 2 minutes go by & she comes up & asks if the 45b has come by. There is about 10 people at this stop waiting for various buses so I can't understand why she keeps bothering me, so I just walk away from her again & then my bus FINALLY gets there. When I get on the bus, there is a HUGE lady singing "After Midnight" really loud like she is crazy or really drunk. I find a seat far away from her & sit. I see a lady that I usually talk to & start speaking to her about her day when some little girl sitting in front of me stands on the chair, faces me & starts say "Hey..Hey...Hey..." at me as I am trying to have a conversation. I try to ignore her hoping the kids mother will make her shut the hell up & sit down correctly but her mom's a retard. I actually think she is literally a mentally handicapped person. The kid won't shut the hell up & tell her "Hey, I am talking here. It's rude to interrupt people while they are talking". Finally the tard mom yells at her & spanks her. So now there is a crazy drunk woman singing as loud as she can & a brat screaming. God I love public transportation. On a funny note, the tardmom started to stuff her kids into a stroller before we got to her stop & the bus driver kept on telling her that she can't put them in until she is off the bus but she just told him to mind his own business & not tell her what to do with her kids. He lets her off the bus & as she is try to get off the bus with a fully loaded stroller full of her tard offspring, it falls over face first & now her offspring is crying. The bus pulls away & the bus driver & I are laughing our asses off.

FYI, while I have no problem making fun of retarded people who annoy me, I do feel slightly guilty about making fun of a retard animals, unless it is a monkey because I fucking hate monkeys. I'd probably adopt the above retarded cat if I saw it out of pity. Hey, I adopted a cat with one eye because I felt bad for him. I love my little one eyed Gary....

Mommy, what's a "gagortion"?

WARNING: I will be making very awful jokes in bad taste in this entry. If you are easily offended do not read this. It concerns dead babies. This entry will also be extremely graphic & just plane gross. You've been warned...


I just pulled out the biggest crustiest blood clot from my left nostril... Seriously it looks like I had a nose abortion. I could donate it to stem cell research. I feel like I should have a funeral for it. I have to irrigate my sinuses several times a day & blow gently to clean them out. Yesterday I got a little blow happy & it felt like something was poking out of my sinus. I thought it was the split that is holding my septum up, so I have been pushing it back in carefully periodically. It was hurting me really badly, so I grabbed a tissue, hunkered down in my cubicle & started to dig. I started to pull on it & after a couple of screams I pulled it out. It wasn't the splint. I am sad that my pal here at work, Evil Betty, isn't here because I would have showed him it. I am also glad I don't have a camera phone because I would have taken a picture & posted it. I really would have. I just feel like I have to show someone because I am absolutely astonished by the size of the thing. I actually feel empty.

I know he's psychotic, but he's really hot & a warning about illegal fishing lure fines...

First I just want to warn anyone who fishes with illegal lures. If you are caught & fined, the ticket is close to $800... My co-worker's husband got a ticket a couple weeks ago & just got the actual ticket in the mail. Fishing & Game don't mess around. Her husband said that he should of mouthed off to the F&G officer & got thrown in jail for the night because it would've been cheaper. Did you even know that there are illegal lures out there?

Anyways, to the psychotic story... Yesterday, my brother picked me up from work so I wouldn't have to take the bus. About 2 blocks down from my work we see my brothers baby's mama's good friend "Crazy B-", as I call him. My bro says "hey, there's B", so I say "let's say hi". As we approach we see that B is talking to the curb with crazy muffin eyes. My bro says "it looks like he's having another psychotic episode. Look at his eyes, they are crazy & I have the baby so it might not be safe. If I didn't have the baby with me I would totally stop & see if he needed help". I agreed, so I told my bro that when we got home I would get my car come back look for him & see if he needed help or a ride to his mom's or something. Before I go on, let me tell you a little about B. My brother's baby's mama, "M" has an old friend "B" from when she was young. One of her best friends. My brother told me about him when he & M first started to date. He told me that I had to meet this guy because he is crazy. Not crazy, moon someone on the freeway, crazy, but certifiably loco. "B" believed he was a prophet superhero for a whole year & used to walk around downtown in a cape looking for crime to fight. He is that crazy. M would tell me stories about him & I just knew I had to meet this guy. I love crazy people. Plus he sounded funny. Funny + crazy = fun in my book. I finally got to meet him one night. He had come over when M was pregnant & I was making dinner for her. I opened my door & saw B. My first thought is "Damn, he's really cute". He is. He's hot. That night he was really polite, shy & sweet. Not crazy, so I thought "Maybe they were lying about him". He came by a couple of times after that & I got to know him. Funny funny guy. We would smoke & I would try to get him to tell me about some crazy stuff, so I would conversationally poke the body with a stick. As he got to know me & got more comfortable & high, he would start to tell me little things then stop & check out my reaction. He knows he's crazy & I guess most the time he can control it. As he learned that I wouldn't freak out when he told me about stuff, he started to tell me more. He is crazy. No if's and or buts. I personally thought he stories were hilarious. I was not afraid of him even though the stories he told me would make most people walk to the other side of the street. I guess I understood his reasoning behind some of the stuff he did. Personally I wouldn't do any of it, but that's because I'm not crazy & he is. He does the stuff that we only think about doing in our crazy heat of the moment moments. I discovered that is the difference between sane people & crazy people. Most of the stuff we've thought about doing, but know better. Crazy people just don't care. I am a pretty good judge of character most the time & know he is really a sweet guy, he's just crazy. So my brother & I are debating for a couple of blocks whether or not to go back & get him. My bro calls M to see if she is home, but she's not so he leaves a message telling her that B might be having a psychotic episode. After two blocks my brother decides to chance it & we go back to look for B. We find him & pull over right by him & call out to him. B comes over & we inquire if he is okay. B says he's fine. He was driving & there is construction going on downtown & he hit the curb & popped his tire. My brother tells him "we saw you in the middle of the street yelling at the curb & talking to yourself & we thought you were having another psychotic episode". B starts laughing & says "no I'm not, but I was yelling at the curb because it popped my tire". So we are all laughing. I love this guy because he was in no way offended that we told him that we thought he was having a psychotic episode. So I ask him if he needs a ride or anything, but he has a friend coming out to pick him up. I ask him what he's doing downtown because last time I heard he was at his mom's up in Roseville. He said he just got off of work project. I asked him why he had work project & he told me "For making terrorist threats to some girl". I ask him if it was the same ex-girl friend he got arrested over last year for sitting outside her window at night with a mask & a knife & he said "No, different girl".... This guy rules... We laughed some more & then we went on our way. I just absolutely heart Crazy B...

Tell me oh wise Oracle, will my butt always bring me joy?

Yesterday after I got off of work, I turned on my cell phone & I had a text message. I NEVER get text messages. My friends call me or email me at work all day. No need for texting, so I found it odd that someone "Hi Gynagirl" 'd me. It turned out to be a guy I haven't talked to in literally in over 2 years. We TM for a while just catching up. It would take me 20 minutes to write "FKN-A!!! Hw R U dng U fckng fggot. Hvnt tlkd 2 U in days" What is with no vowels, anyways? So after I was like "Man, I haven't talked to that guy in years..." Then it hit me... The Psychic/astrologist lady that Kiki sent me to for my birthday said that "A man from your past that you haven't heard from in a while will try to come back into your life in mid October". Then I got goose bumps & freaked out.... She was right. Spooky. There is something else she told me about concerning work is happening but I don't want to jinx it so I am not going to talk about it. Kiki told me this lady was spooky accurate, but I didn't think she would be that accurate to the day...

What do you get when you cross a cheese grater, Michael Jackson's originals nose & asphalt?

I'm alive & on vicodin so I am a little loopy right now. The surgery went fine. My mom told me I freaked out when I was coming out off the anesthesia & they had to give me Demerol to calm me down. Other than that it went off without a hitch. It was odd in preop when I had to undress in the preop room with lots of people around me. I had a curtain, but it still felt weird taking off my panties while everyone was around. After the surgery, my nose was stuffed with gauze & about 3x's the normal size it usually is. It looked like Michael Jackson's original nose. I was worried that when they took the stuffing out, I would have a floppy nose. I also had gauze taped to my nostrils to catch all the blood n stuff that came out. It felt like I had a permanent icee headache & that they sliced open my nose & rubbed my face in asphalt. I told my mom that I think the doctor took a swing at me when I was under. No bruising or anything cool like that, just a huge stuffed leaky nose. I had to sleep sitting up for 4 days. I didn't get much sleep that way since I am a face down belly sleeper. Lost about 5 lbs from the stomach flu & eating nothing but soup & Jell-O. Now the pain has moved into cheese grater territory. It hurts to even think about my nose, but I can sniff through both nostrils, which is a first in many many years. The stuffing removal was one of the most painful things I have felt in my life. I get the splints out on Friday so that should be fun. Got a lot of catching up here at work, so I will write more latter.... Thanks for all the well wishing & a shout out to AJ. Glad you are back, buddy...

Quick Update before I die...

I've had the stomach flu since wednesday & came into work today to clear off my desk before I am out another week for my sinus surgery. Since I don't have a computer at home, this will be my last entry for at least a week. I am sure I will have gross stories to tell about the whole situation....

Sounded like a good idea at the time & Kiki takes one for the team...

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Sexy Talkin'...

The festivities of my birthday weekend started on Wednesday. I went to the QOTSA & NIN concert. Inca got me the tickets for my birthday...Thanks sweetie!!! After work I went home to get ready. I got all purdy-fied & picked up Inca & her boy. We had to stop at the store for some ciggs & saw Kiki & Mensa, who were also on their way to the show. Found out what section they were going to be at so we could all meet up later. We got to the arena & sat in the parking lot & smoked out. I smuggled two Js in good ole lefty & we were off. We got to enter in the side entrance because we were on the floor. This is the entrance that the bands use to load all their stuff. I missed a once in a lifetime opportunity to tag NIN stuff with Gyna stickers because I am out of them. It would've been so easy, too... We got inside & the floor was about half full for the first band. They were pretty good, but the lead singer looked like Emo-Frodo. Then QOTSA came out. We busted out the Js to partake & moved behind some guy with dreads so that if we got busted, they would think it was him & not us. They rocked my fucking socks off. There was some guy who looked like Bob Sagget air guitaring in front of me. There was some old guy who got mad that I wouldn't pass the green his way. It wasn't mine to pass. He was creepy. He kept looking at this couple in front of us humping on the floor & then he would grind his wife & then look our way to make sure we were watching his sexy dancing. GROSS. Then he went off & air guitared like his life depended on it. QOTSA were wonderful. Frankly, Josh Homme could be taking a dump & whistling and I would be happy. He stops playing because some guy is fighting in the front & he cusses the guy out & tells him that if he wants to fight, to come on stage & take him on. The profanity that came out of that mans mouth. Grrrr. That's sexy talkin' in my book. Fucking hot... After they played, I went to find Kiki & Mensa in the stands. Found them & took a seat. Then NIN started. They were awesome. I was shocked to see that Trent Reznor was especially buff & rocking a leather Chippendales vest. At first I laughed about it, but between you & I, I found it strangely attractive. He was rocking it. I always thought that Trent was cute in the "skinny boy who hates the world way", but now his body is thicker & he looks more manly. Mix that with angst & I while I was chanting "Head like a hole", I was also thinking of a Trent Reznor/Josh Homme love sandwich. There was no shortage of sexy dancing going on around us, especially during "closer". There was a couple in front of us basically humping. I noticed that the guy got more aggressive with the chick as the show went on. I told Kiki that she would probably be getting Donkey Punched later that evening. She was thinking the same thing. That started Kiki & I singing our own versions of NIN songs that involved Donkey Punching. The whole arena was singing along with Trent the whole show which was neat. It was especially cathartic singing at the top of my lungs without feeling like a total geek because everyone there was singing along in the same way. I was reminded by the various songs of the boys who have broken my heart in the past & it was cool to know that everyone else was probably feeling the same way. You can't not think about the people who pushed you to "Pretty Hate Machine" with a fifth of something that left you crying & punching a wall. Good Times... There was this teenage boy behind us that was basically offering Trent Reznor his be-hymen-d through out the whole show. After the show I got separated from Inca & her boy, so I went to the car, only I forgot where I parked. In reality I was too high to make sure I remembered to check out what section I was parked in. I walked around for about 2 cigarettes before I finally found the car. Thank god I wasn't the only fucked up idiot who forgot. There were many people walking with me with the whole "oh shit...where did I park" look on their faces. All in all a great fucking evening & the perfect way to start my birthday weekend...

THANK YOU ALL!!!

I just want to say THANK YOU to all the people who have been babying me in my early life crisis. I am absolutely fine with 30 now. Seriously. I swear. Also I want to thank EVERYONE who came out to celebrate with me. You all made it really special for me. I couldn't think of a better way to welcome my 30's than with the substance abuse & rockin' that occurred. Sniff Sniff. My birthday weekend was so eventful that I think I have to split up my bloggs...

This is the end...

When I woke up this morning, The Doors "This is the end" was running through my head. It still is... After today I will be off until Monday, so you all who aren't here in town will have to wait to see if I live or get alcohol & THC poisoning this weekend. I know I suck, but I don't have a computer at home. Never really needed one there. I do all this stuff on County time. Your taxes hard at work... I know that I am being a little bitch about this, but this is the first age that I actually feel old. I know it's not "old", but when someone asks me how old I am & I say "30", they will ultimately say "you don't look that old?", which happened this weekend. So I will get outta my early life crisis the only way I know how...TO PARTY PARTY PARTY!!!! Hopefully I can fulfill my dream of playing on stage & vomiting at the same time, but not missing a note... We'll see.... Tonight Inca is taking me to the NIN/QOTSA concert which will probably make me explode with pleasure. Great, I'll be drunk, high & horny with no one to help... Crap I hate being single sometimes... Tomorrow, Kiki has made an appointment with a psychic for me, then go home to get high, then dinner with the grandparents at 4, go home to drink & get more high & then the show. That should be FUN!!! Daniel is even going to show up & make it all better. I love that little gay guy..... Oh well, when you hear from me next, I will be even older & more bitter.... But at least I am hoping for some really good pictures to be taken in my stupor...

Oh the things I could do with those ears....

The weekend went great. Saturday had a big family party, which is always fun. Sunday, Drummergirl & I went out to the mall & stuff to do girly stuff then had a huge fat steak... Yesterday I woke up feeling like my head was going to explode from the inside out. Then I looked outside & saw it was black with storm clouds. God I can't wait for my surgery. Had to call in sick. So today my head still hurts & I am fucking freaking out about my birthday in 2 days. I am going to be 30... All I can show for it is 3 cats... No husband, no baby, no house, no real career.... But I do still get carded for cigarettes... Seriously, I just got carded on Thursday... So now I am back listening to NIN & crying softly on the inside... On the bright side, tomorrow Inca is taking me to the NIN & QOTSA show for my birthday & I get to start my weekend of utter debauchery tomorrow night. My goal is not to remember the transition from my 20s to my 30s. Only going to come out of my beer & weed induced haze for my family dinner on Thursday with my grandparents... Well then I might introduce champagne into the party in my liver.... Because being drunk on champagne is classy...

Slayer Rules!!!

When I woke up this morning, the Darth Vader music was back. Probably because I have 1 week until I turn 30... 7 Days... Ack... Enough of that crap... Last night Drummergirl & I went & got our somewhat matching tattoos of our band logo. Her tat is on her back & mine is on my other forearm. Very cute, both of them. DG did so well & she didn't cry. I think hers is more hardcore because they were playing Slayer while she was getting her's done, so that automatically makes her more hardcore. The artist would pause while inking her to stop & air guitar. He ruled. Mine was less exciting though the air guitaring & air drumming continued with the punk band we were listening to while I was getting inked. After DG wanted to go out & kick someone's ass. No one in particular, just anyone. I love my new tat. It is sooo cute. All my other tats are no where near cutesy so I love this one. I almost feel like a pirate which in my book is a big plus. Basically it's what is on the drum in the picture....

Zombies, Bitch Tits, Dead Pigeons & Freak Babies....

Yesterday I was walking to my bus stop after work & saw either a woman with mutton chops or a man with the biggest bitch tits I have ever seen. I wish I had a camera phone. As a added plus, they were squeezed into a lark puttin around with a bottle of something in a paper bag. Then when I got to my bus stop, I saw a pigeon get hit by a car & it made the most gnarly "POP!". I have never heard a pop like that. It haunts me now. Plus the dead pigeons little pigeon pal was hanging around for it. Poor little guys... Then a man was walking towards me, but he walked like a zombie, so of course the first thought I have is kill the head & the body will die. Then he comes up to me to tell me "you are so purdy. Are you dating anyone?" instead of trying to eat my head. I was relieved & answered appropriately. Hey, he may walk like a zombie, but it takes guts to talk to someone, so instead of chopping his head off I was nice. When I was on the bus, there was a woman with a baby on her lap. The baby was probably like 8 months, but it was tiny. It was itty bitty freakishly little. That got me thinking... I wonder what dwarf or midget babies look like....

"Scrot" is my all time favorite...

I'm bored. Delinquency notices have hit so I am stuck on the phones listening to pissed off & crying people who are giving me every excuse in the book, so while I am supposed to listen & care, I am going to list words that I think are funny. Please feel free to add any you see fit...

Taint
Scrot
Pull
Butt
Box
Stick
Unit
Staff
Beaver
Walrus
Poop
Kaka
Dookie
Dook
Sharts
Fart
Blumpkin
Vulva
Vagina
Anal
Poop-log
Sphincter

I will add more as I see fit...

Keep me away from the leather seats...

I think I know why I have been an emotional wreck lately. I think I ovulated today. I am sure I felt it this morning & when I just went to the potty, I had to wipe like 20 times. Ladies you know what I am talking about. If I sat somewhere naked, I would slip off the seat. Yucky...

Mensa & Lil' Lazy Eye representin' the west side, ese...

Thanks to Mensa for this delicious picture of us at the Chola/Vato party a couple of months ago... Notice the slanted eyes, as you can tell, I was under the influence. Gawd, how white am I? Really, I am Mexican & Greek. Thanks Mensa for making me laugh & the comment about little Thea Homme.. You know the kid would come out of the womb with a cigarette in it's mouth. On a sad note, I have to say good by to my cigarettes for awhile. I am actually sad about it. I LOVE to smoke, as most of you know. I smoke like a good Greek girl should, but when I have my surgery done I have to say goodbye to my little cancerous friends. I know most of you are saying "HURRAY!", but I really love to smoke, so I am very sad....

Daddy Issues, Vomit & Titty Bitting

I was still feeling slightly blue when I got home on Saturday. I had to go to my Goddaughters/cousins birthday party so I sucked it up & went with my mom, grandma & nephew. Well my grandma said she had a surprise for me. It turned out to be a photo album with lots of pictures in it. Pictures of me as a baby, as a kid & lots of pictures of the family n such. Very nice, except there were a lot of pictures of me & my dad. That made me feel like shit since I haven't heard from him in over a month. I know my dad is a complete asshole, but he's still my dad & I miss him. Then I turn the pages & there's douchebag & me. Oh great, more men that have abandoned me or broke my heart. I know I have daddy issues, who doesn't. Then comes more abuse from males in my life. When the nephew & I get home from the party, I was changing him into his PJs & I guess he had a little bit too much fun because he vomited all over me. Nice. I think he felt better after because he was laughing. Yesterday I was watching the beastos once more & we were playing. We have a little game where I lay on the floor & he beats me up. I know I am 5-9 & he is like 2 ft tall, but he's a cutie & the only male in the world I'll let hit me.. Well, we were playing & he gets really excited & bites my boobie. Holy shit, that hurt soooo bad. I almost cried. Even though he has only 6 teeth, he held on & shook like a dog. Now my girls are EXTREMELY sensitive. I can tell you which way the wind is blowing or when there is a temperature change. Beastos thought it was the funniest thing in the world & went back for a second bite. I held him back & cried a little on the inside. Now my gal has a bruise in the shape of mini teeth. That about sums up my weekend...

Because Sad Clown is How I feel on the Inside...

Another sad clown day. Don't worry Monkeygirl, no pictures of scary crying clowns. Maybe it's because I had to be up & 5 and at work by 6 & it's Saturday. I am sure listening to NIN hasn't helped either. Won't go into details, but just feeling blue & alone. The usual. Maybe I can talk Kiki into a couple of bottles of wine tonight & we can sit around listening to PJ Harvey, NIN & Liz Phar & bitch about men & how much they suck & how much we miss them...

Life Is Good...

I was having such a crappy day & then I stumble upon this. God does work in mysterious ways..

13....Being a Uber-Bitch & Gummy Bears...

I woke up pissy. The cats were going at it at 5:00 this morning & woke me up. Then I got on the bus & some chick asked me for money & gave me the same sob story she gave me 2 weeks ago. I called her on it, "Didn't you ask me for money two weeks ago for the same reason? And no I am not going to give you any money". I guess I scared her because I sounded like a uber-bitch & she apologized profusely & changed seats. I expect to be asked for money on the streets. That's just how it is and I know it accept it, but when you ask me for money when I am eating in a restaurant or trying to commute to work I will be a super bitch about it. First of all I work damn hard for what I have & I will be damned if I will give even a penny up to someone who doesn't work. Call me a heartless bitch, but it's my money & if I'd rather wipe my ass with a dollar bill than give it to someone who asks me for money, that's my fuckin' prerogative. Seriously, I get asked for money in this city on a daily basis. When I was in New York fuckin' City, I didn't get asked once. Never. Yesterday when I was at work, I was talking to this guy who didn't want to pay his taxes because he is a recovering drug addict and had a note from his psychiatrist. I told him "No". First of all, I am a fuckin' tax collector. I'm evil, the bible says it. Jesus does not love me. Second everyone knows that there are two things certain in life; death & taxes. Third there is nothing I can do. It's the law & you gotta pay up. Fourth, that's one of the lamest excuses I've heard & I hear a lot of them. Fifth, I don't care if you cry or tell me that I am the most horrible person in the world, this is what I am paid to do. I don't give a fuck. I am a heartless bitch when it comes to my job & that is why I am so good at what I do. Anyways, this guy hangs up on me & calls back & gets my co-worker & asks her if "she's the mean lady". That made me laugh. I've made countless people cry. Not just women, but men also. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. Great, now I sound like my dad... On a completely different note, I wonder how many gummy bears I would have to eat before my dook looks like fruit cake? Or if I eat them whole, will they come out whole? Maybe a little experiment will make me feel better....

14.... Donkey Punching to Interpol....

I had a great time last night even though the concert sucked ass. Now I absolutely adore Interpol & they played great, it was the lame ass crowed that sucked big dirty cock. Freeborn Hall was only half filled at the most. Filled with Emo-Boys & their girlfriends. The crowd had no energy & the poor guys from Interpol just went through the motions of the show. Very sad stuff. Now when I get bored, I do things to keep myself amused or else I'd probably hurt people. So at first Kiki, Monkeygirl, Mensa & I were playing "Pick out your Emo boyfriend", which was a smashing success. But it was almost like shooting fish in a sad sad hair gelled barrel. I spit my gum out on the floor & for an hour, Monkeygirl & I were watching to see who would step in it. 2 people walked on it, but it didn't stick. Monkeygirl & I were trying to dance like 2 of the girls around us who if had a map tattooed on their body couldn't find the beat. I have to give them props for feeling the music, because I wasn't. Then I made the comment that the lead singer from Interpol sounded like Rob Schneider from B-52's which in turn caused Mensa to sing along with the rest of the Interpol songs but like Rob Schneider & singing "Rock Lobster". Next time you are listening to Interpol, try it, it works. On the car ride home, Kiki, Monkeygirl & I were singing Interpol songs, but changing the lyrics to "Donkey Punching, Jelly Doughnuts" & I think you get my drift. Once again it works. Try it. I did find out another sex term, "Walrus", which is funny & makes sense when you think about it. So to sum up the experience now before I ramble on because I am tired & it is early & I am supposed to be working; listening to Interpol usually makes me want to hump, but the feeling wasn't there last night due to the lack of energy the crowd had. Once again, I HATE DAVIS!!!!

15....Daniel & I...

Went to the doctors yesterday & I get to go in for surgery on Oct 10th. Not only is my right sinus so fucked up that it is actually swelling out pushing into my skull, I also have a deviated septum. YEAH!! Well at least in a month I will be able to breathe. The only thing is that I will be out of work for a week & have to sleep like the Elephant Man for about a week. For those of you that have never seen the movie, I have to sleep sitting up. Plus I can't bend over, blow my nose, go swimming & eat spicy foods for a while. On the plus side I get to see what I would look like if I ever got into a fight. I hope to go out into public with various men in my life, ie: friends, brother etc, while it looks like I've been beaten just to make people think they are wife beaters & beating me. Tonight Monkeygirl, Kiki & I are traveling to evil Davis for the Interpol show. I can't wait. They put on a great show. I saw them a couple of years ago at The Fillmore. Plus hanging out with Kiki & Monkeygirl is always fun. Let's see how many Emo-boys we can make cry.... The above picture is from our show with the infamous Daniel... How I love little dancing gay men who'll let you touch their balls for $2...

16... I'm Sweet....

I stole this from RDCHINO, the smart bastard, who stole this from someone else... Go to google & type in your "(name) is" including the quotation marks & see what you find...

Althea is an IMAP client for X Windows that uses the GTK widget set. (what the hell is a widget?)

The Althea is on the Via Delle Caldaie at #25 (not lately)

ALTHEA is a beautiful female goddess (oh yeah, baby)

The original Althea is not actually for sale (well, for the right price)

Althea is designed in the Italian style as the ideal ensemble (well actually I was designed in the Greek & Mexican style)

Althea isa very professional harpsichord and one of our busiest rental instruments (um, okay)

Althea is an erect perennial herb (teeheehee...erect)

Althea is faced with a difficult choice (to whore or not to whore)

Althea is regarded by many as the Greek goddess of healing. (or the Greek Goddess of rockin'!)

Althea is not always interested in doing the wrong thing. (yeah right)

Althea is a stripper with a horrible childhood (not a stripper, normal crappy childhood)

Althea is a puller of spirits, (I'm a puller alright, but not of spirits)

Althea is sweet (there are too many to go on, so I'll end with this gem)

17...Kitten balls & a dead squirrel

Papi Pequeno is doing fine without his balls. I wish I had a digital camera so I could take before & after pictures because his nards were HUGE. On another note, one of my co-workers was telling me about a funny smell in her car that she can't find the source. That reminded me of my squirrel in the engine story. Now most people who know me know that I absolutely love squirrels. They are my favorite animals. I know they are just tree rats with tails, but I think rats are cute & anything with a bushy tails are adorable. When I lived on C & 25th there was a fire in an apartment building right across the street from our apartment one night. Big fire & lots of fire trucks. They put it out & no one was hurt, or at least I thought. The next couple of days I started to smell something funky in my car. Well the city dump was not far from my apt & sometimes in the summer our neighborhood would smell like the dump if the wind was blowing in our direction. I went out & got some car air fresheners & didn't anything of it until the stench started to get worse. Drummergirl & I were doing something, coffee, shopping, robbing & pillaging, & we were driving around in my car & she noticed the smell too. She recommended that we pop the hood to make sure nothing was in there. When we got to her house, we popped it & found the above picture. Drummergirl screamed & dropped the hood & I started giggling. We ran & got Mockula & told her to get her digital camera. She came out & took the picture with her eyes closed. Then came the dreaded question, who's going to pull it out. Well since it was my car, I was the obvious contender, but being a girl & feeling bad about killing a squirrel, I couldn't do it. So I drove home freaked out that the squirrel would heat up & explode. My then boyfriend was out of town & my brother wasn't answering the phone. I guess I would have to do it. But when I got home, Kiki's then boyfriend was there & said he would do it. Being the hardcore punkrocker he was, he grabbed it without gloves & ran around telling us to look at it's balls. Poor little guy was crispy. We said a few words & threw it in the garbage....

20.... The Article That Never Was...

I was just cleaning out some of the stuff on my computer here at work & came across this little gem my ex & I wrote together for Shortbus Mag, sadly, a defunct zine from my hometown. The names have been changed to protect the douchebag.... Oh, BTW, after I turned this in to the editor of the zine, who thought it was hilarious, I was told it was a bit "much" for the publication...
BITCH SLAP
By Gynagirl & Douchebag

Duchebag & I were sitting around on the front porch drinking Pabsts talking and the discussion turned to our favorite demeaning sex acts i.e.: Dirty Sanchez & Donkey Punching, when we realized that they were all aimed toward Women & gay men and there wasn’t really anything that a woman could do to demean a man in bed other than the obvious which is biting it off, so we came up with some of our own…

Wet Wilma
Kind of like “The Dirty Sanchez” in that the woman inserts her finger into her hoodilihoo & sticks it under her mans nose at an inopportune time.

Crotching Tiger Flaming Dragon
While giving manual stimulation, the lady sneaks in a handful of tiger balm while her victim is otherwise preoccupied.

Claps & Poof
While the gentleman is giving oral pleasure, the chica traps her man’s head so he is unable to retreat & whispers brown secrets in his face using her starfish.

Juice Quiefton
Playing with the Queen of farts… While her man is performing orally, the woman tries to save up all her love juice & lets it go all at once using her PC muscles right in his face… Kind of like a money shot…

Redrum
The female “forgets” that aunt Flo is in town & proceeds with copulation. (This is only funny if the man in her life has light colored bedding & it’s dark during the act.)

“P” SpotThe Woman save’s up a little urine for when she is about to climax & then lets it go all over him, claiming that he “hit (her) “G” spot”.

Still 21....

I had a dream last night that we opened for Violent Femmes & The Cowboy Junkies at the filmore, so I am listening to the new Cowboy Junkies & they have a outstanding version of U2's "One" that has made me cry. Sometimes I forget I am a girl...

21...

I got one of my new tattoos last night! It is way cool. It's not any of the ones I had posted here. I can describe it as swirly-coils that go from my wrist to my elbow on my forearm. The gods were kind to me because the shop was playing QOTSA "Rated R" as I was getting it done. I couldn't of asked for a better album to be played.

22....WHOOOO!!!!

It doesn't matter when or how many times I've listened to any Nine inch Nails albums, it always makes me go "WHOOOO!!!" on the inside. Really, I am that drunk guy who wears the bands t-shirts to the concerts who yells "WHOOO!!!" through out the whole show. I am that guy on the inside when I listen to NIN. Listening to them make me want to beat someone up. Really beat someone to a pulp. I feel like I am in high school again. I am drunk, crying & screaming the lyrics to myself, over some dumb boy. Even on the new album, Trent knows the teen angst that still lives in my heart..WHOO!!!!!

23....

The show on Friday was a success. We were able to get over $60 for our share of the door to donate to the hurricane victims. The Gynas care... Daniel showed up & showed everyone his twig & berries. I think that freaked everyone out. I thought it was hilarious especially because my mom was there. Got a bit boozy & I think I scared a friend of Drummer Girls boyfriend. I was blabbing on about how your vagina falls out when you get old. You know, the normal for me when I get boozy. Speaking of vagina's; the captain is in town this week & I need to ask the ladies something, do you ever put in a tampon kinda sideways? This morning I was in a rush to get to work & I put the damn thing in. I did notice that it was put in wrong, but I hoped it would correct itself. It didn't so I run into work late walking funny. This sucks about as much as when your pad gets flipped on the edge & grabs your pubes & yanks them out every time you move a millimeter... Ah the joys of being a girl.

27..... OOPAH!!!!

As some of you may know, the Greek Food Festival is this weekend at the convention center downtown. Come & eat, dance & do shots of ouzo off of Yanni's 6-pack! Some people you may not know were part Greek.... Tommy Lee (his sisters name is "Althea"), Billy Zane, Jeff Buckley, Jennifer Aniston, Tom Hanks wife (whats her face) & countless other people who rule because of the Mutha Land... Yes, all Greeks are this obnoxious. BTW, I have no clue who these people are, but the costumes are real... Peace out....MALLAKAS!!!!

PS. That means "jerk off"
Skatah = Shit
Putana= Whore
Milos=Apple

Let The Countdown Commence...28...

When I woke up this morning, I heard the Darth Vader theme running through my head. "Why?" you may ask, well there are 28 days until I turn 30 & I'm starting to freak out. I was okay with it until today. I don't know why I am freaking out. I know there isn't a real reason why I should, it's another day. My head won't explode. It's not my expiration date or anything, but I still am freaking. I feel like I should be out in the forest naked living off the earth for the next 28 days to prove that I've learned something & I deserve to live another 30 more years. Instead, I think I will take up drinking when I can so that the next 28 days will be more of a blur or dream....

PS. The Mermaid is winning so far. If anyone has any other suggestions please email them to me ASAP or post them in my comments. I only have about 2 weeks before I get them...

I forgot!!

Some little things that made me happy recently that I forgot to write about....

1. I got to feel a saline breast. On a woman. Feels like a water balloon. As I was squeezing her booby, I was squeezing mine & comparing. Then she grabbed mine & her's at the same time to compare also. I can cross that off my list of things to do before I die.

2. As many of you know, I ride public transit to work everyday instead of shelling out $120 to park at work every month. Public transit always has a special little something for me. Well, as I was waiting for my bus last week, there was a white guy who was retardedly special waiting also, but he was also talking mad shit & loudly like a gansta. That guy ruled.

3. On the bus there was a person that was sitting down but leaning forward with their heads on their arms on the seat in front of them. I am not sure if it was a man or woman because it had boobs, but also had a mullet. He/She was listening to some butt rock on a walkman & every once in a while would sit up & air drum for 20 seconds then put his/her head back down until the next drum solo. Precious....

You want me to put that where?!?!?!

Ah, the smell of pig & cow poo in the air & lots of fried food on a stick. I went to the State Fair last night with my bro & Beastos. Had lots of fun. Weather was nice & not too many people. I ate a nice big jumbo corndog & had a pineapple shake. Delicious! The state fair is the only time I will have a corndog. No corncob on a stick, though. I was sad because I was full from the jumbo dog & didn't want to eat anymore, so no eggroll on a stick. They had these HUGE bricks of french-fries. Like they filled the fry basket full of french-fries & then just slipped them out squirted nacho cheese on it. Had to pass on that. They did have a mechanical bull there. I know, you saying, "Gynagirl, did you ride it"? No sadly I didn't. I know that it is one of my goals to ride one before I die, but the situation wasn't right. I wasn't drunk or with my girls. Plus I had to pee. I won't pee at the fair. I have no problem pooing in famous places, but I can't pee at the state fair. That's just nasty. Girl has to have standards.

Are You Retarded Or Just Weird?

Oh, I forgot to tell you all about another wacky thing that happened to me. I was at the store with my nephew on Saturday. I was in the baby aisle looking at baby food. While Beastos & I were laughing at the nasty choices they have for babies concerning food, (okay just me, but he was laughing because I was laughing) a normal looking man wearing an expensive looking Hawaiian shirt & docker shorts came up to me. He looked like a newscaster. He looked at my arms & asked about my tattoos. Just the usual, "Did it hurt? How long did it take?" blah blah blah. Then he looks behind me & sees the ones on my back probably because I am wearing a tank top & facing him sideways. He seems normal so far, just silly questions trying to understand the youth of today, trying to be hip or something. Then he grabs me & swings me around so that my back is to him & he pulls down the top of my tank to take a look at the ones on my back, then he says "OOH! There's more on the bottom!!!" like a "special" person. Then he lifts up my tank & pulls the waist of my pants down to take a look at the ones on my back. I pull away & turn around about to bitch slap him, but he has that "special Corky" look in his eyes, like it is Christmas or something, so I just say "Bye Bye" grab the shopping cart with my nephew, who is a year old & is also thinking this guy is a total freak & get the hell away from him.

Wait! Is that a baby at the end of the bar???

The show on Friday was a big success. We all had lots of fun. Here are some of the highlights according to me...

1. There was a kid in the bar the whole night. He had to have been no more than three years old. How fucking trashy is that? I love it!

2. One band had a dancer named Daniel. I dubbed him Richard Simmons Pirate. He had on blue short shorts & rainbow suspenders & did really good gay dancing. He danced for us also which I was absolutely ecstatic over. I told my pals that I want one too. It was like when I was a kid & saw Willie Wonka & the Chocolate Factory & I told my parents I wanted a Oopha Loompa. I think they are coming up to play at my birthday show! Oh, Daniel, my gay dancing loverboy....

3. Only 2 people got my costume. We all were pirates, but I had the word "BUTT" inked on a t-shirt... Butt-Pirate... Get it? Well, not a lot of people did. Maybe because I am a girl & not a gay man... Oh well, I thought it was funny & the 2 other people did too...

4. I learned how to burp "Arrgghhh". Thanks to the PBR, which unfortunately was $3 a pint. What the hell is that about?

All in all a great show with a great line up. If you want more details to the show check out our myspace account under bloggs.

Blogger Spam

Sorry I have to do this to you guys, but you have to do that type in the letters & numbers thing so you can leave a message. Too much spam... Curse on the spam house!!!!

I Need Your Thea Expertise...

I am planning on getting two tattoo's next month for my birthday. One is The Gyna skull & bones & I also need to get another one so I have an odd number of tattoos. If you really need to know why I need an odd number, well, I want 9 tattoos. 9 is my favorite number. I was born in the 29th day of the 9th month in an odd year. Even numbers freak me out. When I have an even number of tattoos, bad luck follows me, so I need to get two more to reach my numeric goal of 9. I want to be done with them by my 30th. See, I told you I was weird. So I am getting The Gyna logo on my right forearm in black or maybe pink. I need another to go on my left forearm. I need my tattoos to be symmetrically place on my body... I know, I am super weird... So here are my three contenders so far... Please be honest & tell me what you think. Whether you think they are retarded or neat-o....

Mermaid

She's really cute & simple. I love mermaids, BTW.

Sassy French Kitty

For obvious reasons, this little girl is cute! I can also color her in to look like Billie....

Shag Kitty

Very cute & simple. I am thinking that I can change her around a little to look like Billie.

Sad Clown Day

You know, this morning I woke up in an awesome mood. The birds were singing, the cats didn't bother me so I slept like a log, the weather was gorgeous outside soI felt so good & happy I decided to put on makeup & wore a skirt to work today. Then my first phone call hits & it's some snatch of an old bag who continues to yell at me. It was 8:10 am. Even after that bad phone call, I was still chipper. Then the next phone call I get, BAM! another snatch. Then the rest of the day goes downhill & I am writing this and it's only noon... Now my nephew is sick again & we have to cancel his birthday party (BTW he's okay, just a little sicky-poo) & now I have a headache the size of Texas. It won't go away. Oh well, I'll quit complaining & get to work...argggghhhh....

ARE YOU TEMPTED BY THE MOLDS, TREES & DUSTMITES OF MY WORLD?!?!?!

I got the second set of allergy tests done today & man, my arms are sore, welted & itchy. Good news is that I can now get allergy shots done! Yippy!!! EvilBetty just had to poke at the welts. Heads up, don't let anyone poke at your welts. It hurts. In other news, I got my new stapler at work & man oh man it's nice....

Aye Homme!

Damn you, you delicious man... On the day I declare my celibacy you visit me in my dreams. Tempt me into doing naughty things... Sucks being single sometimes, especially when I think I am starting to hit my sexual peak. Oh well, I guess I will tweaker clean my house tonight. On the bright side, in that same dream I had really good hair...

Being a Whore & Understanding the Beauty of Nature....

First off, everyone knows that I am not very educated when it comes to art. I am not an artsy fartsty type of gal. I like things or I don't. Usually I dig the pretty paintings of mermaids. That said, you have to watch this movie. It is a documentary called "Rivers and Tides". It is about Andy Goldsworthy & his art. He goes out into nature & creates from nature. Not only are his creations gorgeous & amazing, his philosophy about nature & his art is very deep & beautiful. I can't say anymore but WATCH THIS MOVIE!!!!

Drummer girl is usually the only one who I tell my dreams to, but she said I should Blogg some of these, so I am going to blogg the one I had last night...
We were on a retreat or camp for bands & there were about 20 local bands at this camp. I wake up in my dream from a bender & it seems that I had blacked out 10 days of the trip. You guys tell me that I slept with 4 bands. You guys say that I was having fun & didn't realize that I was so messed up. It was like I knew that days had passed, but it was seriously like I had just woken up. Very bizarre. So the rest of the dream I am going around to guys & asking them if I slept with them. Everyone was very cool about it. Strange....

On that note, I found out last night that my little cousin is pregnant. Not to get into the details, my concern is of her of course, but also for myself. For those of you who know my family, you know I am not exaggerating when I say that things come in fives. For those of you that don't know my family, let me put it this way; if one person gets pregnant, three or four others will too, within months of each other. There were FIVE pregnant girls in my family last year... FIVE!!! It's not just with the cousins either. Look at all my cousins. There are always 3 or 4 of us the same age. Now I am extremely worried. So worried that I am going to be celibate until I get to Europe. Now some of you may be saying "Gynagirl is overreacting", but my number is up on the baby list. I've dodged it for the past couple of years, but there isn't anyway I can dodge it this time. There are only three of us who could possibly have babies right now. Three... The gods won't be happy with that. So the only way to make sure I won't be posing in pictures with cousins or cousins wives sideways with our huge bellies at Christmas time is to not have the hot hot bang bang until I get to Europe....

Teabaggin' with Netflix!

There are two things I am really diggin right now. The first thing is the "Lipton Cold Brew" tea bags I bought the other day. I drink tons of water when I am at work. I have a huge 32oz cup that I fill & refill at least 3 to 4 times a day. Now & then I get sick of drinking water, so I finally bought the cold brew tea bags. I love iced tea, but I don't really like the store bought kind in a bottle, maybe because I bought a Arizona Ice Tea years ago that had yucky stuff floating around in it. It looked like worms. I realized it BEFORE I drank it, thank gawd. Now I am put off of by canned or bottled ice tea. I brewed it up & whooey! It tasted great! Like sun tea. I give it 2 thumbs wayyyyy up. The second thing I am totally digging right now is "Netflix". I signed up for it last week & I love it! I get my movies within 2 days of shipping because they come from West Sac. So by the time I get my old movies in the mail, 2 days later, I have my new movies waiting for me in the mail at home. I don't have to worry about going across town to drop them off, I just put them in the mail. I sit on the computer & scroll through thousands of movies & just add ones I may want to see on my queue list. Then I can mess with the order of shipping. There are at least 20 movies in my queue right now. I can rent stupid girlie movies staring Jennifer Lopez without being embarrassed. Usually I get self conscience when I am at Blockbusters walking around with some dumb chick flick, but now if I want to waste two hours watching some stupid romance movie, I can without feeling guilty about who's going to see me rent the atrocity!

On a completely different note....

On a completely different note, one of our neighbors has gotten a rooster. It crows in the morning, and has kind of a strange crow -- which explains why I woke up from a dream that a retard was singing Danzig's "Mother."

That has to be the funniest quote I've heard in a long time... Thanks Mockula! So I started the morning going to an allergist who proceeded to prick me with 60 needles & insert things that would make my skin burn & itch. It hurt like hell & now I am all itchy & my back looks like "A Man Called Horse". But now I know that I am allergic to molds & dust mites. I have to go back in next week so they can insert bubbles of itchy stuff under my skin using hypodermic needles so they can see what other kinds of stuff I am allergic to. On the bright side, I will be getting allergy shots from now on. I had about 45 mins before I had to go to my next appointment, so I filled my car with gas & washed her purdy shinny. It cost me $27 to fill my little compact car. It used to cost me $10... Like I don't want to go into the math thing, but that is like almost 200% rise in 10 years... Or something like that. Then I went to my next appointment for my um, ahem (see above). Let me tell anyone who is thinking about going into Gynocology that will you PLEASE warm up the speculum. Seriously. It was ice cold. One thing I don't want my vagina to be is ice cold... Boys, that is the thingy they open you up with to take a look at yer hooha.... I won't go into the results ("into" haha that's funny because I'm talking about my vagina) but lets say things aren't worse than they were before so that is a good thing. The doctor used "low grade" a lot during the exam which made me feel like I was filling my car with gas again...

Yup. Still think it's funny....

Yup. Still think it's funny....
Originally uploaded by gynagirl.

Papi Pequeno is Feline HIV & Lukemia free! He gets fixed next month.

So Wrong...

So Wrong...
Originally uploaded by gynagirl.

I just got back from the ENT doctor & my sinuses are inindated with polyps & cysts. He said that the things jumping around in there aren't Muppets, but the polyps...

How wrong is this picture. You would be surprised how many erotic pictures of Miss Piggy I found by key wording Miss Piggy.