Two completely unrelated stories about my nether regions

As most people who know me will tell you; I don't like to wake up. I don't care what time it is or how much I have slept. I have never woken up "bright eyed & bushy tailed" ever.... Wait, let me qualify that... I have woken up happy, but it was because it involved a dinker in my who-ha. Anyways, I always wait until the last moment to get my arse out of bed so I have a set amount of time that I spend on every act I perform in the morning.. Morning pee-1 min, shower-10 mins (unless I can combine the two) Yes I do pee in the shower & yes I am a girl. I ain't frontin', it's just peepee... anyways I usually never factor in the whole poop in the morning because I usually go a little closer to noon, but this morning I had to drop some violent kids off at the pool. But wait... I didn't budget for that time. I had to cut something out of my routine... My makeup. But wait, I am a crafty gal, I could pinch a loaf & put on makeup at the same time. So here I am growing a tail with a big blue Kaboodool on my lap trying to put on mascara while I grunt. Not an easy task, but do-able.

Second story. Since I got my promotion, I have to dress nicer. I now where skirts with tights. I usually sit at my desk either with one of my legs tucked under me or cross legged style. Now I am a tall gal & tights usually start falling after the first hour of wearing them. You can usually find me in the bathroom doing the "pull up the tights" dance often. This morning I was busy & couldn't make it to the bathroom so I sat down & put my leg underneath me & I felt this rip. I blew a hole in the crotch of my tights. Today is a cold day & thank god I am wearing chonies because I keep on getting a breeze where the sun don't shine. I always wear undies because if I don't it feels like my soul is falling out....