The Mutha Land Is Calling Me Home & Fruit Epifanys

My uncle was telling me that since both parents have Greek lineage, I can apply to the Greek consulate & get dual citizenship! That means I can get a European Passport & not have to get a work visa if I want to work over there during my big adventure! In any country!!!!

I saw on Friday a peach pit laying on the ground. I thought to myself "why don't I like to eat peaches"? well, first it feels like I am biting into flesh & second the pit looks like the underside of a scrot....

Honeydew tastes like muppets.... That is the only way I can explain it... Yes the little puppets. Not any specific muppets, just all the muppets.....

You want me to what?

I was just told by upper management that if I need to blow my nose, I either have to go to the restroom or to a vacant office as to not offend any customers.... Monkeygirl, is that legal?

Hot Vomit Pocket

Ok, I'm not gonna front. I like Hot Pockets. They are pretty tasty. They sure do hit the spot when you want a snack but not a meal. Due to the amount of fat & bad stuff, I haven't had one in years, so while I was at the store this weekend, I saw that they now have "Ultra Lean Hot Pockets". Boy o boy was I excited. They only had 3 kinds to choose from. Philly Cheese Steak... Don't think so... Ham & Cheese... Don't dig the swine & Combo Pizza. I bought the combo pizza. Well I had forgotten about it until last night. While I was fishing around in my freezer for ice, I stumbled upon the Combo Pizza Ultra Hot Pocket... Yippie! My first warning should have been the fact that these don't have the hot pocket sleeve. So I place the naked pocket on a paper towel & threw it in my microwave for 2 mins. I waited in anticipation... I heard the bing & waiting 2 mins for it to cool down... I felt like it was x-mas & I was 8 again & for sure was going to get the Barbie Condo with the elevator... I sat down on my couch & got comfy & turned up Judge Judy (I love her because she is such a bitch). I took a bit & a taste moved through my mouth... Cardboard? no.... Moldy towel... Closer... Particle board.... BINGO. I look & see the outside is some wheat concoction. It actually sucked all the moisture out of my mouth! NASTY. The inside was okay, but it was the pocket that taste like ass.... I should have known it was too good to be true....

Geddy Lee in Hot Pants...

Here's proof.... Thanks Monkeygirl for the heads up on the link...

http://www.trashfilmorgy.com/gallery/index.php?currDir=./2005/Show-4-Beyond-the-Valley-of-the-Dolls&pageType=image&image=DSCF0262.jpg

2112 IN HOT PANTS....

I went to the catfight Mod Vs Rocker party & meet up with Kiki, Mensa, Monkeygirl & Mockula. Kiki was suffering from a toothache that was prescribed the Peaches cure... Drink the pain away... Mockula was looking absolutely FABULOUS as a mod. Monkeygirl was a cutie as usual & have I ever mentioned that she has great boobies? Mensa was looking suave & deboner in his fancy suit. Saw some peeps I know including my brothers friends. Stayed there only a short while before Monkeygirl, Mockula & I left to go to the Trash Film Orgy. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls was playing. The greatest B film EVER. Flyer said that the doors open at 11 so we got there around 11:30 to check out the festivities & maybe get a drink. We get there & get our tickets & stand in line....For 45 mins... It's still 90 degrees & muggy. We start getting angry & cranky... Plus there are multiple freaks there. Usually I am all about individuality but that stopped when I saw Geddy Lee in hot pants... Long story short; they wouldn't let anyone in until 12:15 & by then it was too late because the movie wasn't going to start until 1 or so, so we got our money back & went home...

On My Way to Being a Crazy Cat Lady....

Ok... I can't give away Papi Pequeno now. He's my baby. He is now cuddling & purring on me. Plus He & Gary are brothers & best friends now. It would kill Gary if Papi went away. Plus Billie really isn't a cat per say. All she does is sleep & eat. She is more of a pretty black & white rug who poops....

It's a foreign Object in there!!!

My doc called with the results of my head x-ray & they can see a cyst or something in my left sinus! I am so relieved that there is something in there & that I'm not imagining it. I get refered to an ENT specialist this week! Hopefully I will be sniffle free from now on!!! I bet it's something I stuck up my nose as a child.... Okay, maybe as an adult too.... I am kinda afraid to see x-rays of my head. I don't like skulls. They freak me out & to see a picture of my own skull may really freak me out... ewww...

Dookie Story

It's been a while since I have talked about my poop & I have some time to burn before I can get off of work, so here is a nice little tale about my dook....

I was in Vegas on vacation with my friend, Hooserchino. We had drank all night & hit a cheap buffet downtown. A couple of hours later, I felt a rumble in my tummy, so I told Hooserchino to play some slots because I was going to be a while. I went into a casino bathroom & thank gawd, it was empty. I chose the stall that was furthest from the door. There had to be 20 stalls in the restroom. It was huge. I felt all the beer & buffet come out in a rush that wouldn't stop. It hurt so much it felt good. Well I heard the door open and a couple of elderly women come in. Of course one chooses the one right next to me out of the 20 that were empty. I even shuffled around so that they knew I was there. Well I hear her enter the stall, pull out a toilet seat cover & the I hear her sniff & gag repeatedly. Good times....

RIP COOTIE....1988(?)-JULY 06, 2005

Amazing Coodes
How sweet the cat
That slept the last 5 years.

He once was lost
And at the pound

Was old & now he's free....


We'll miss you Cootie....

The Cameo Conspiracy

I went downstairs to the little store located in my work building on my lunch to pick up a diet cherry Pepsi to quench my thirst on this hot summer day. Little did I know that I would come to realize & discover the biggest musical conspiracy of my lifetime....

THE CAMEO CONSPIRACY!!!!


Cameo's "Word Up" was playing on the radio & it was blasting. People were grooving to it. It was pretty packed in the store as it was lunch time. Young & old, everyone was grooving even if they didn't realize it. Then it hit me..... No one can dance to this song & look cool. It is impossible. Now I like "Word Up". I think it is a phenomenal song, but for some reason the grooving beat doesn't translate well into dancing. No one can dance to this song & not look like an idiot. No one. Cameo created this great, grooving & catchy song that has lasted close to 20 years as one of the best dance songs of all time that no one can dance to without looking like a complete dufus.. Brilliant!!!

Random Thoughts, Justin Timberlake & Pickles...

Nothing to exciting happening today, but I thought I'd try to write something anyways... I've been listening to JT all day & have I said lately how much I truly dig Justin Timberlake? Really, this album has great songs. At first I would obsess over trying to see the video & then I couldn't wait anymore & had to go on the outskirts of sac to buy the album. I was ashamed of my fascination of Justin. After I heard the CD, I came out to my friends & family. I loved Justin Timberlake & I am not ashamed anymore. I always am reminded of one fun summer evening when I ended up topless in the back of my car with Inca with Drummergirl driving & PBD in the front seat. Justin was able to get Inca & I topless by the end of the song....PS. This happened way before the Janet fiasco.

I always thought that if I had a sex saftey word, that I would have "Pickle" be my safety word.

Perplexing & Papi Muy Frio....

I was sitting outside on my lunch break when a guy walking by asks me "How are you doing?"
I say "Good. And you?"
He says "Don't ask."

Then he walks on. I thought I was weird....

Oh yeah, this morning I was freaking out thinking that I closed Papi Pequeno inside the refrigerator. He likes to sneak in there when I open it up. This morning I grabed my lunch & ran for the bus, but when I was actually sitting on the bus, I started to think about how I didn't see him when I left the house. I saw Billie & Gary, but no Papi. I freaked out & woke up my brother who had to come down to my work to get my house key to make sure I didn't lock Papi in the frig by accident. He wasn't in the frig, thank gawd. I still feel stupid, though....

Happy National Tapioca Pudding Day!!!

Seriously, I love tapioca pudding. That is all I have to say for today. Let us all reflect on the delicious dessert confection known as Tapioca Pudding....

Thoughts About Dookie, Bowties & Cabbits....

Here I am at work early Saturday morning & my mind is starting to wonder. My co-worker, Evil Betty, was telling me about a dream he had the night before about him being stuck in the girls bathroom pooping in front of all of his co-workers. Then I started to think about my co-workers pooping. I've already thought about Evil Betty dooking. It was a drunken' night out with the co-workers & I asked everyone what color bowtie could they see Evil Betty wearing while he was growing a tail.... Yes I know I am weird... But just think about anyone you know; co-workers, family, friends, movie stars, leaders of the world, anyone. Now think about them naked, pooping on a toilet wearing a bowtie. Now what color & pattern is the bowtie. Funny stuff, stupid , but funny. Then I started to think about everything in the world that can poop, pooping. Everything looks stupid going caca, except fish. They don't look stupid pooping. Think about people, cats, dogs, horses, monkeys, anything... All stupid pooping.... It's not just that they look stupid pooping, you feel uncomfortable accidentally seeing them poop. It's odd. Why should I feel embarrassed when I see my cat pinch a loaf? They always have to be in the potty when I go. They don't seem embarrassed when I am sitting there reading for a while?

Enough about poop. Now I was surfing the web yesterday & I ended up watching a little video of a cat & a rabbit. The rabbit ends up trying to hump the cat. Funny stuff. Then I thought about Kiki & Inca swearing a couple of years ago that there were animals that were half cat & half bunny, cabbits. Kiki's boyfriend & I agreed that this is impossible, but they both swore up & down that their grandparents who had farms had seen this phenomenon. I told them that it was impossible for two different species to breed. I looked up on the internet & found that there is this breed of cat that has a bunny tail & funny back legs that they probably thought were cabbits. Then I showed them countless articles on the urban legend of the cabbit. They were crushed. Sorry girls...

Gary update....

Gary has a respiratory infection. Poor little guy. He had a temp of 104 at the vets yesterday. He is on meds now & doing better. Still sneezing all over mommy, but purring, eating & drinking like a good little kitty. He also weighed in at 12 lbs! He's not even a year old yet. I thought he was getting heavy when ever I have to pick him up, but I didn't think he was that big yet. He isn't fat like Billie, he's solid muscle. My little baby boy.... Boy oh Boy am I tired, broke (Gary's visit cost me $100) & covered in kitty snot...

I Hate Hormones....

PMSing...PMSing... All Fiona Apple & no play makes Gynagirl A hormonal mess... It doesn't matter if I'm angry or sad, I just start crying for stupid reasons.. Should I bring up the David Bowie's "Ground Control to Major Tom" fiasco? The song came on in my car on the radio & I was PMSing & started to bawl because it was so sad. Now I am listening to Fiona. Yes I know I am cruising for bruising, but I can't help it. At least I'm not listening to Jeff Buckley. It doesn't help that I am at work sniffling like a little girl. If this the price to pay for boobies, then I don't want them.. Plus my little Gary is sick. I have to take him to the vet tonight. I hope he'll be okay. They think it just might be a cold or something. I just want to go back home & crawl into bed & stay there until this is over, but who will pay all the vet bills?

Rose Baines & Vida Loca Pictures

I had the weirdest dream last night. I had a dream that an old mean lady named "Rose Baines" was haunting my bathroom. She was always being mean if I was in there. I told her to go to the light, but she wouldn't. I wasn't scared, I was annoyed. Hm. Strange. If anyone wants to check out some pictures from the Vida Loca gathering, here they some. There are a couple of M2S & I if you look real close. http://www.clubcatfight.net/_sgg/m4m7_1.htm

There are some really great get-ups. I didn't see Kiki or Inca in any of them, but trust me, they were getting down & dirty....

More Bad News, Papi Pequeno update & Freaking Like It Was 1988!

I'll start with the bad & end up with the good. I went to my great uncle's funeral on Friday, which was a nice service, & found out someone else died... After I promised my grandma that I would personally dig up my great grandfathers grave & bury her ashes with him, so I could stop her arguing with the guy burying my great uncles ashes, I found out that another person died. My mom didn't want to tell me when I was in New York & then she forgot. Friends of the family. His wife had died in October of Cancer & he couldn't stand to live without her, so he killed himself.

On to Papi. I took Papi to the vet Friday. He's 6 weeks old, so when I found him, he was only a month old. He does have ringworm, but other than that he is a very happy healthy kitty. All in all it'll cost me close to $300 for Papi. But this is a great Vet & it takes care of EVERYTHING. Fixed, shots, tests & everything. My mom talked my cousin into taking the cat for my goddaughters birthday at the end of August. It works out great. Papi will be done with all his stuff by then. Because of the ringworm, I tweaker cleaned my whole apartment on Saturday for like 8 hours. I even bleached the ceiling. Now Papi is quarantined, so now I am the biggest bitch in kitty land. Plus to add to my kitty popularity, I gave all the cats baths with the medicine just as a precaution. I know that they are plotting my demise while I sit here at work.

Saturday night Mensa 2 Society picked me up & we went to the Vida Loca party at the Golden Bear. He looked Vato-licious & I was representing Chola-hood with the black eyeliner & dark lipstick. I was not able to do my hair up like I used to in Jr High because it isn't layered that way, but I sported the dickies. Lots of people there were dressed so fly. Other than wanting to kill the DJ for mixing Morrissey & other music inbetween playing stuff like Cyprus Hill & Salt and Peppa, I had a smashing time. M2S & I freaked like we were in 8th grade all night long. Kiki & Inca met up with us a few hours into the dance-a-thon, & by then M2S & I were ripped beyond belief. It didn't take them too long to catch up to us though.. All in all I had a rocking time.

Ode To The Pain In My Organs

Why oh why, my love
Must you come when
I will be gone?

Will my heart, uterus & ears
be able to forgive me?
Should I cancel?

A day before my birthday.
A day to rock.
You & Trent speaking to me.

Oh sing to me
you tall hot man of red.
Play for me & my organs three.

I just found out from my Mensa to Society pal that QOTSA are opening up for NIN on September 28th. Instead of just bitching about how I am planning to be in New York that week for my birthday, I thought I would take a different route inspired by something I read yesterday... Mockula will know what I am talking about. I thought I would be dramatic & artistic in my angst....

The Whorification of Blitzkrieg Bop & Other Atrocities....

Yesterday I was watching TV & was horrified to notice that The Ramones were being used in two back to back ads. One for diet Pepsi & the other for a cell phone ad. Both ads used "blitzkrieg Bop". Thank god not one of my favorite songs from them. But still.... Come on. I guess it's like when Cadillac used Led Zeppelin. It still hurts.... Is anyone else pissed off that Britney Spears is having a baby before they are? I mean, come on! Don't get me started on Gwen Steffani's accessories.... 4 Japanese girls...