Ode to Bear Grylls

Ode to Bear Grylls

Oh Bear, my TV crush
Oh the mountain man of my Friday dreams.
I have to admit,
The first time I saw you &
You peed on your t-shirt & used it to cool your head,
I was just a touch repulsed,
But oddly turned on because you are so hot.

I made a point to watch you a week later.
You did not disappoint.
You decided to dive into a frozen lake
To show me how to survive.
Then, much to my enjoyment, you showed me how to get warm.
You stripped off your soaking wet clothes and did naked push-ups.
Yes, your lips were blue & you were on the verge of hypothermia,
But damn it, you were still hot.

Before I started watching you,
I am sure that if I were to get lost in the Amazon or even the Sahara,
I would’ve rolled into the fetal position and given up,
But now I am confident that I have the knowledge to survive.
Whether it is how to use my watch and a piece of drift wood as a compass while trapped in a swamp,
Or to catch a snow chicken using only my shoelace and a two sticks,
I now know that I will survive.
With this knowledge and delicious thoughts of you, your cute accent with a touch of a stutter and your naked push-ups, I will survive.

Thank you. Dear God, thank you....

Go ahead....Try me.

I REALLY hate it when I am driving (particularly downtown) and someone decides to jaywalk right in front of my moving car when I have the right away & then have the audacity to give me a dirty look because I am not slowing down. No I am not going to slow down or stop for you. Yes I will hit you. I will just tell the cops that you came outta nowhere & stepped in front of my moving vehicle that had the right of way and I didn't have time to stop. The other drivers around me will back me up because they want to see you dead too.

In a land far far away...

Drummer girl & I were talking about what kind of cartoon characters we would be. Drummer girl would be a cute unicorn who would turn into a battle-corn when angry. I think I would be a cross between a squirrel & a kitten who pooped glitter. I think Kiki would have to be an anime character who slobbers when she gets nervous.