SIR, YES SIR!!!

Does anyone else other than Kiki & I think they are turning into dirty old ladies as we get older? Case in point, I saw an ad for the new movie "Jarhead" with Jake Gyllenhaal. I really like Jake. He's a cute & a great actor, but when I saw the ad for the movie, something stirred in my naughty bits. "Oh my" I thought to myself. Why do I have these utterly naughty thoughts going thru my head about sweet little Jake? Well, first of all, he looks so fricken hot it isn't funny. I called Kiki & told her that we HAVE to go & see this movie because Jake & many other young little hotties are running around in the desert with their shirts off in uniforms ripped as all shit doing war stuff.... Makes me feel like a dirty old lady, on the plus side, I have a new fantasy involving a long soldier girl named Gynagirl stuck out in the desert with her platoon of all hottie men because their truck breaking down. One thing leads to another & well you get my drift....

Oh, BTW I was so involved with my new yum yum fantasy that I forgot to ask if there was anyone else who wanted to go see this when it comes out. So far it's just Kiki & I....

I have a staff!!! (teeheehee I said "staff")....

I got the promotion! I will have a staff of 10 people. I aced the interview even with a raging hangover!!!! I will be the "supervisor" people want to talk to when they call. God help them because I am a raging bitch!

I swear I could hear my ovaries shriviling up...

Last night I had to baby-sit my little nephew, Beast-tos who is 14 months old. Usually we have a blast, but last night he had a little cold & he was teething. He cried for over two hours straight. I called my mom & told her not to expect any more grandbabies for a long long time. Did I mention that the kid headbutted me in my nose? Seriously, here I am trying not to cry because my nose is bleeding & in sooo much pain, also because I feel bad for the baby. My brother comes in & the beast stops crying. Ack* My brother has no kid experience other than his kid. I've been around kids & babies all my life & he has the golden touch. Maybe I'm just not cut out for kids. At least for the next couple of years until I can afford a nanny.

Tits McGee has the night off, folks...

I just had an angry customer on the phone. He said his name was "Tits Johnson". Thank god for the mute button because I couldn't stop laughing especially as he is yelling into the phones what idots we are. Seriously dude, your name is "Tits". Can I really take him seriously? He was an old guy too.... Thought I would share....

Notice I am wearing a "Rod Stewart" shirt...

Cause I am kooky that way. It also sparkled. It's weird because I have about 4 more tattoos now that aren't in this pic. My skin looks so nekked...

The Infamous GynaCave...

Few have seen the inside & lived... This is where rock is born...

The Infamous VanGyna...RIP

Once again, I am smoking...

Will Rock 4 Food

We finally got our band pictures from back in the day...

But will you love me tomorrow?

Got my hair cut last night with MonkeyGirls hair stylist. Looks cute now because it is blown out, but we'll see how it hangs curly. So far so good. Great haircut. Thanks MonkeyGirl!!! After I got done, I got a message from Kiki telling me that she was going to meet Text Message Guy (from last week) at the bar at 8 & I should join them. I went & had a blast!!! I didn't get home until after 2. We went to one bar & then to another & then back to TMG's house. It was great seeing him again. At first it was a little odd because the last time I saw him we had slept together when we both were seeing other people (I didn't cheat because my ex & I weren't at the relationship point, but that came about 2 weeks after my tryst, but he on the other hand did. I didn't find out about it until after we did it), but after a few drinks, it was rad. He looks good. Tight body & his hair is longer. I found out that he was an Olympic finalist for boxing & was beat out by Oscar De Lahoya. I knew he boxed in the Army, but I had not know that he was in the Olympics. Did I mention that his body is tight? Usually I don't like the muscular body type. I like my men squishy, but man, he is ripped. Anyways, he kept on asking me about our night together. He was like a girl "was I good, did you have fun" it was so funny because I had to assure him that he was fine. I really don't remember much & had to even ask him if I had given him a BJ (I did), but he was so self conscience about it. He told me that he was having problems performing that night because he knew it could've been more than a tryst. That made me feel really good. I think he was sad that I ended up going out with my ex instead of him because he kept asking me how he measured up to PBD (pretty but dumb for you newbies out there). We are going to get together & jam. He plays guitar & is going to teach me how to play a metal solo & I am going to teach him how to write a melody. We had a hardcore discussion about who were the fathers of metal. He swears it's Iron Maiden, but we say it's Black Sabbath. I thought we might come to blows, but to each his own... I also had a big promotion interview this morning. Even highly hungover, I cleaned up really well & gave an outstanding interview. My head hurts & I have had too much coffee...

The only "matter" that matters...Fecal...

Not a whole lot happening in Gyna-land. Catching up from my surgery. What I have discovered is that my sense of smell is slowly coming back. The past couple of days I have noticed that I am able to smell my own poop finally. I seriously couldn't smell it for years unless it was especially foul. Now I am able to smell it all. I was at first shocked, disgusted & finally happy that I am able to gag at my bodily waste. That means the surgery was a success! On the down side, I have discovered that Papi Pequeno farts. He also has the worst smelling dookie in the world. He likes to save his stanky biscuits for when I am in the bathroom trying to get ready for work. I think he is happy that I can smell & is making sure my nose is working. My nose still feels like I have been repeatedly smacked in the head with a shovel. I went to get the splints removed last Friday & they pulled out two 1x2 inch plastic things from the inside of my nose. I didn't even think my nose had all that room in there. Pain & stank sum up my past couple of days....

Hey, it's Corky Kitty!

I have accepted the fact that I am a freak/retard magnet, but sometimes I just want to read my book or just not be bothered so I get pissy. Case in point, yesterday while I was waiting freak/retard central ie: my bus stop, this retarded girl comes up and asks me if the 45b has come by. I told her nicely that I wasn't sure. She leaves & comes back a minute later & asks the same question so I just ignore her. While this is going on, I am on my cell phone checking my messages & TMing the guy I blogged about on Monday. She tells me I have a nice phone & I thank her then she asks if she can use it... "No." I tell her. "Why?" she asks. I explain that I am in the middle of using it. She then asks if she can use it after I am done & I tell her "No", but by now I am pissy & abrupt. Then I just walk away from her. About 2 minutes go by & she comes up & asks if the 45b has come by. There is about 10 people at this stop waiting for various buses so I can't understand why she keeps bothering me, so I just walk away from her again & then my bus FINALLY gets there. When I get on the bus, there is a HUGE lady singing "After Midnight" really loud like she is crazy or really drunk. I find a seat far away from her & sit. I see a lady that I usually talk to & start speaking to her about her day when some little girl sitting in front of me stands on the chair, faces me & starts say "Hey..Hey...Hey..." at me as I am trying to have a conversation. I try to ignore her hoping the kids mother will make her shut the hell up & sit down correctly but her mom's a retard. I actually think she is literally a mentally handicapped person. The kid won't shut the hell up & tell her "Hey, I am talking here. It's rude to interrupt people while they are talking". Finally the tard mom yells at her & spanks her. So now there is a crazy drunk woman singing as loud as she can & a brat screaming. God I love public transportation. On a funny note, the tardmom started to stuff her kids into a stroller before we got to her stop & the bus driver kept on telling her that she can't put them in until she is off the bus but she just told him to mind his own business & not tell her what to do with her kids. He lets her off the bus & as she is try to get off the bus with a fully loaded stroller full of her tard offspring, it falls over face first & now her offspring is crying. The bus pulls away & the bus driver & I are laughing our asses off.

FYI, while I have no problem making fun of retarded people who annoy me, I do feel slightly guilty about making fun of a retard animals, unless it is a monkey because I fucking hate monkeys. I'd probably adopt the above retarded cat if I saw it out of pity. Hey, I adopted a cat with one eye because I felt bad for him. I love my little one eyed Gary....

Mommy, what's a "gagortion"?

WARNING: I will be making very awful jokes in bad taste in this entry. If you are easily offended do not read this. It concerns dead babies. This entry will also be extremely graphic & just plane gross. You've been warned...


I just pulled out the biggest crustiest blood clot from my left nostril... Seriously it looks like I had a nose abortion. I could donate it to stem cell research. I feel like I should have a funeral for it. I have to irrigate my sinuses several times a day & blow gently to clean them out. Yesterday I got a little blow happy & it felt like something was poking out of my sinus. I thought it was the split that is holding my septum up, so I have been pushing it back in carefully periodically. It was hurting me really badly, so I grabbed a tissue, hunkered down in my cubicle & started to dig. I started to pull on it & after a couple of screams I pulled it out. It wasn't the splint. I am sad that my pal here at work, Evil Betty, isn't here because I would have showed him it. I am also glad I don't have a camera phone because I would have taken a picture & posted it. I really would have. I just feel like I have to show someone because I am absolutely astonished by the size of the thing. I actually feel empty.

I know he's psychotic, but he's really hot & a warning about illegal fishing lure fines...

First I just want to warn anyone who fishes with illegal lures. If you are caught & fined, the ticket is close to $800... My co-worker's husband got a ticket a couple weeks ago & just got the actual ticket in the mail. Fishing & Game don't mess around. Her husband said that he should of mouthed off to the F&G officer & got thrown in jail for the night because it would've been cheaper. Did you even know that there are illegal lures out there?

Anyways, to the psychotic story... Yesterday, my brother picked me up from work so I wouldn't have to take the bus. About 2 blocks down from my work we see my brothers baby's mama's good friend "Crazy B-", as I call him. My bro says "hey, there's B", so I say "let's say hi". As we approach we see that B is talking to the curb with crazy muffin eyes. My bro says "it looks like he's having another psychotic episode. Look at his eyes, they are crazy & I have the baby so it might not be safe. If I didn't have the baby with me I would totally stop & see if he needed help". I agreed, so I told my bro that when we got home I would get my car come back look for him & see if he needed help or a ride to his mom's or something. Before I go on, let me tell you a little about B. My brother's baby's mama, "M" has an old friend "B" from when she was young. One of her best friends. My brother told me about him when he & M first started to date. He told me that I had to meet this guy because he is crazy. Not crazy, moon someone on the freeway, crazy, but certifiably loco. "B" believed he was a prophet superhero for a whole year & used to walk around downtown in a cape looking for crime to fight. He is that crazy. M would tell me stories about him & I just knew I had to meet this guy. I love crazy people. Plus he sounded funny. Funny + crazy = fun in my book. I finally got to meet him one night. He had come over when M was pregnant & I was making dinner for her. I opened my door & saw B. My first thought is "Damn, he's really cute". He is. He's hot. That night he was really polite, shy & sweet. Not crazy, so I thought "Maybe they were lying about him". He came by a couple of times after that & I got to know him. Funny funny guy. We would smoke & I would try to get him to tell me about some crazy stuff, so I would conversationally poke the body with a stick. As he got to know me & got more comfortable & high, he would start to tell me little things then stop & check out my reaction. He knows he's crazy & I guess most the time he can control it. As he learned that I wouldn't freak out when he told me about stuff, he started to tell me more. He is crazy. No if's and or buts. I personally thought he stories were hilarious. I was not afraid of him even though the stories he told me would make most people walk to the other side of the street. I guess I understood his reasoning behind some of the stuff he did. Personally I wouldn't do any of it, but that's because I'm not crazy & he is. He does the stuff that we only think about doing in our crazy heat of the moment moments. I discovered that is the difference between sane people & crazy people. Most of the stuff we've thought about doing, but know better. Crazy people just don't care. I am a pretty good judge of character most the time & know he is really a sweet guy, he's just crazy. So my brother & I are debating for a couple of blocks whether or not to go back & get him. My bro calls M to see if she is home, but she's not so he leaves a message telling her that B might be having a psychotic episode. After two blocks my brother decides to chance it & we go back to look for B. We find him & pull over right by him & call out to him. B comes over & we inquire if he is okay. B says he's fine. He was driving & there is construction going on downtown & he hit the curb & popped his tire. My brother tells him "we saw you in the middle of the street yelling at the curb & talking to yourself & we thought you were having another psychotic episode". B starts laughing & says "no I'm not, but I was yelling at the curb because it popped my tire". So we are all laughing. I love this guy because he was in no way offended that we told him that we thought he was having a psychotic episode. So I ask him if he needs a ride or anything, but he has a friend coming out to pick him up. I ask him what he's doing downtown because last time I heard he was at his mom's up in Roseville. He said he just got off of work project. I asked him why he had work project & he told me "For making terrorist threats to some girl". I ask him if it was the same ex-girl friend he got arrested over last year for sitting outside her window at night with a mask & a knife & he said "No, different girl".... This guy rules... We laughed some more & then we went on our way. I just absolutely heart Crazy B...

Tell me oh wise Oracle, will my butt always bring me joy?

Yesterday after I got off of work, I turned on my cell phone & I had a text message. I NEVER get text messages. My friends call me or email me at work all day. No need for texting, so I found it odd that someone "Hi Gynagirl" 'd me. It turned out to be a guy I haven't talked to in literally in over 2 years. We TM for a while just catching up. It would take me 20 minutes to write "FKN-A!!! Hw R U dng U fckng fggot. Hvnt tlkd 2 U in days" What is with no vowels, anyways? So after I was like "Man, I haven't talked to that guy in years..." Then it hit me... The Psychic/astrologist lady that Kiki sent me to for my birthday said that "A man from your past that you haven't heard from in a while will try to come back into your life in mid October". Then I got goose bumps & freaked out.... She was right. Spooky. There is something else she told me about concerning work is happening but I don't want to jinx it so I am not going to talk about it. Kiki told me this lady was spooky accurate, but I didn't think she would be that accurate to the day...

What do you get when you cross a cheese grater, Michael Jackson's originals nose & asphalt?

I'm alive & on vicodin so I am a little loopy right now. The surgery went fine. My mom told me I freaked out when I was coming out off the anesthesia & they had to give me Demerol to calm me down. Other than that it went off without a hitch. It was odd in preop when I had to undress in the preop room with lots of people around me. I had a curtain, but it still felt weird taking off my panties while everyone was around. After the surgery, my nose was stuffed with gauze & about 3x's the normal size it usually is. It looked like Michael Jackson's original nose. I was worried that when they took the stuffing out, I would have a floppy nose. I also had gauze taped to my nostrils to catch all the blood n stuff that came out. It felt like I had a permanent icee headache & that they sliced open my nose & rubbed my face in asphalt. I told my mom that I think the doctor took a swing at me when I was under. No bruising or anything cool like that, just a huge stuffed leaky nose. I had to sleep sitting up for 4 days. I didn't get much sleep that way since I am a face down belly sleeper. Lost about 5 lbs from the stomach flu & eating nothing but soup & Jell-O. Now the pain has moved into cheese grater territory. It hurts to even think about my nose, but I can sniff through both nostrils, which is a first in many many years. The stuffing removal was one of the most painful things I have felt in my life. I get the splints out on Friday so that should be fun. Got a lot of catching up here at work, so I will write more latter.... Thanks for all the well wishing & a shout out to AJ. Glad you are back, buddy...

Quick Update before I die...

I've had the stomach flu since wednesday & came into work today to clear off my desk before I am out another week for my sinus surgery. Since I don't have a computer at home, this will be my last entry for at least a week. I am sure I will have gross stories to tell about the whole situation....

Sounded like a good idea at the time & Kiki takes one for the team...

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Sexy Talkin'...

The festivities of my birthday weekend started on Wednesday. I went to the QOTSA & NIN concert. Inca got me the tickets for my birthday...Thanks sweetie!!! After work I went home to get ready. I got all purdy-fied & picked up Inca & her boy. We had to stop at the store for some ciggs & saw Kiki & Mensa, who were also on their way to the show. Found out what section they were going to be at so we could all meet up later. We got to the arena & sat in the parking lot & smoked out. I smuggled two Js in good ole lefty & we were off. We got to enter in the side entrance because we were on the floor. This is the entrance that the bands use to load all their stuff. I missed a once in a lifetime opportunity to tag NIN stuff with Gyna stickers because I am out of them. It would've been so easy, too... We got inside & the floor was about half full for the first band. They were pretty good, but the lead singer looked like Emo-Frodo. Then QOTSA came out. We busted out the Js to partake & moved behind some guy with dreads so that if we got busted, they would think it was him & not us. They rocked my fucking socks off. There was some guy who looked like Bob Sagget air guitaring in front of me. There was some old guy who got mad that I wouldn't pass the green his way. It wasn't mine to pass. He was creepy. He kept looking at this couple in front of us humping on the floor & then he would grind his wife & then look our way to make sure we were watching his sexy dancing. GROSS. Then he went off & air guitared like his life depended on it. QOTSA were wonderful. Frankly, Josh Homme could be taking a dump & whistling and I would be happy. He stops playing because some guy is fighting in the front & he cusses the guy out & tells him that if he wants to fight, to come on stage & take him on. The profanity that came out of that mans mouth. Grrrr. That's sexy talkin' in my book. Fucking hot... After they played, I went to find Kiki & Mensa in the stands. Found them & took a seat. Then NIN started. They were awesome. I was shocked to see that Trent Reznor was especially buff & rocking a leather Chippendales vest. At first I laughed about it, but between you & I, I found it strangely attractive. He was rocking it. I always thought that Trent was cute in the "skinny boy who hates the world way", but now his body is thicker & he looks more manly. Mix that with angst & I while I was chanting "Head like a hole", I was also thinking of a Trent Reznor/Josh Homme love sandwich. There was no shortage of sexy dancing going on around us, especially during "closer". There was a couple in front of us basically humping. I noticed that the guy got more aggressive with the chick as the show went on. I told Kiki that she would probably be getting Donkey Punched later that evening. She was thinking the same thing. That started Kiki & I singing our own versions of NIN songs that involved Donkey Punching. The whole arena was singing along with Trent the whole show which was neat. It was especially cathartic singing at the top of my lungs without feeling like a total geek because everyone there was singing along in the same way. I was reminded by the various songs of the boys who have broken my heart in the past & it was cool to know that everyone else was probably feeling the same way. You can't not think about the people who pushed you to "Pretty Hate Machine" with a fifth of something that left you crying & punching a wall. Good Times... There was this teenage boy behind us that was basically offering Trent Reznor his be-hymen-d through out the whole show. After the show I got separated from Inca & her boy, so I went to the car, only I forgot where I parked. In reality I was too high to make sure I remembered to check out what section I was parked in. I walked around for about 2 cigarettes before I finally found the car. Thank god I wasn't the only fucked up idiot who forgot. There were many people walking with me with the whole "oh shit...where did I park" look on their faces. All in all a great fucking evening & the perfect way to start my birthday weekend...

THANK YOU ALL!!!

I just want to say THANK YOU to all the people who have been babying me in my early life crisis. I am absolutely fine with 30 now. Seriously. I swear. Also I want to thank EVERYONE who came out to celebrate with me. You all made it really special for me. I couldn't think of a better way to welcome my 30's than with the substance abuse & rockin' that occurred. Sniff Sniff. My birthday weekend was so eventful that I think I have to split up my bloggs...