Hot Taco Lovin'

Man, I've been craving Mexican Food all week. All I can think about is grilled chicken with spicy onions & bellpeppers wrapped in a warm soft tortilla... Oh Yeah....

Now I Know Why People Cut Themselves...

It is Monday.... I have been assigned a project here at work that no one has done since 2001... I know why no one has done it in 4 years... I am so fucking bored I could cut myself. If only the box cutters were cleaner. I am looking around franticly trying to think of a way to rig something so I can fake my own death by spontaneous combustion. I am seriously thinking about hurting myself some how so I can stop doing this.... Maybe a stapler mishap? Would I be willing to staple my finger? No, I play guitar. Usually I would say my leg would be a good contender, but I am going to New York in less than 2 weeks. If only I could remember which parts of my body would bleed the best with minimal effort....

Thoughts about the new Pope & my pubic hair

First off I think the new Pope is scary looking. I don't like his eyes. It's like he is playing the bad Pope in some horror flick. That out of the way, I found a 2 inch long pubic hair the other day. Odd... I of course am neurotic about stupid stuff & my pubes aren't as soft as I'd like them to be so I started to put leave in conditioner on it. I want ALL my hair soft.

Operation "Hump Josh Homme's Leg"

Tickets go on sale for Queens of the Stone Age tomorrow. I'm so excited, I feel like a teenage girl seeing Soundgarden for the first time live!!! I also have to say I used "kaboom" on one wall of my shower yesterday & tweeker cleaned it. Man that stuff works so well. You just spray it on & let it sit for a few minutes & then wipe it off. The only problem is when it starts to drip down the wall, it pretty much gets all the crud off so you need to scrub around it to make it match. Plus you gotta wear gloves. Can't wait to finish the bath this weekend. God I need more hobbies....

Amish But Deadly....

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was walking to school with my friend & we are about 11 or 12, but we are all decked out like we're on little house on the prairie. We might be Amish or Mennonite. We get to school & everyone else is dressed normal, and my friend & I keep together & are a bit embarrassed because we are dressed different from everyone else. School ends & we are walking home through a woody area when 3 older skater boys jump out & accost us. I get away some how, but they grab my friend & end up killing her & raping her. Fast forward a couple of years & I am no longer sporting the amish gear & I am at the Florin book store working. The guys either work there or always come in. They don't remember me, but I remember them. SBA & I are getting ready to leave because we are the only ones closing the store. I am waiting in his car while he sets the alarm. While I am waiting, two of the guys get in the car & start to drive away with me in it. I am telling them to get the hell out, but they are hooting & hollering & driving on. When we stop, they are going to hurt me, but I am prepared for it. I end up locking one out of the car & the other one is still in the car with me. The one that is with me, I keep on choking him until he passes out & then I let him regain consciousness a few times & while he is awake I keep on telling him that I am going to kill him. Basically I am torturing him. He doesn't know if I am going to finish him off or just let him pass out again. While this is happening I am telling the other guy outside that he is next and I am "going to strap you down & cut the top of your skull off so the birds can eat your brain while you are awake". He is freaking out trying to get into the car to save his friend. Finally I am done toying with the guy in the car & I hold his head & look into his eyes and slowly twist his head until I break his neck. I do this while he is awake. The other guy out side freaks out & runs away. SBA finds me & we jump into the car to find the other guys so I can finish the job. We can't find them, so we have a great rough boot knocking session. I guess torturing made me all hot n stuff. Then I wake up.

It Won't Die...

Man, last night was another set of non stop dreams about him. "When you say it's dead & gone, yes I know; you're wrong. Cut & slice, sharpest knife. It won't die". Every time I would wake up from the nightmares & then try to fall asleep but I would fall right back into the thick of it. I am so tired. I just want to get through a night without dreaming about him. They weren't nice dreams either. I need some relief. I don't know what I am going to do. Here I am crying at work. I don't need this. I know they say it's better to have love & lost than to never have loved, but my head is really making it hard to believe that.

Anal Death Wish

This morning for some reason I had to have milk. First of all I hate milk & second I am lactose intolerant. I had chocolate milk. I was frosty & cool. The chocolate couldn't cover up the nasty milk taste all the way but it did mask it pretty well. When I was down in the little store in the basement of our building I also picked up a bottle of apple juice. Lite apple juice because that sounded quite delicious also. I drank both of them in a 2 hour period. Now we're talking ring of fire. I just couldn't help it. They both sounded so good. It doesn't help that the Captain is in town & that messes up my system anyways. I think I might be obsessed with my butt? Does anyone think about their butt as much as I do? A healthy gastric system is very important in a person's life.... Right?

More Cowbell!!!

Man, I love cowbell... Seriously, you can't not bob your head when you hear the beat, let alone your ass. Shake it... Maybe I'll just play cowbell across the continent for money....

That's It! I'm Outta Here....

Okay, I have finally decided that I am going to downsize my possessions, not buy anything else that I don't need, save my money & instead of buying a new car or putting a down payment on a house like I previously planned, I am saying screw it & I'm going to back pack through Europe for 6 months or more. Hopefully next year. I can take a leave of absence from work & sublet my apartment & just have an adventure. Since my path isn't a family & domestic bliss, which by the way is the only thing I've ever wanted. Some stability, a house, babies, a husband, bbqs, PTA, everything I never had growing up. If that isn't going to happen, I need to find out who I am. Live for myself. I do that anyways, but I always have "what is the responsible thing to do..." What my dad would say, what my mom would say, what my family & friends think of me. I guess I'm confused & I don't want to be a bitter old woman waiting for someone that will never come. I can live with being the crazy old woman who has a mohawk & listens to death metal while gardening as long as I am at peace with myself. I need to know the core of myself & how to deal with the loss of a dream & to maybe find my real path. I don't think I can do it here. It's too safe, too many outside influences. It's weird, but last night while I was planning all this in my head, I felt like a woman for the first time. Not like a girl. I want myself. I don't want to turn into someone else when I meet a man. Maybe that's why it never works out. I turn myself into what ever I think people want. I don't know myself. I actually am excited & oddly at peace right now.

Early Life Crisis or realization?

I was thinking last night. Thinking long & hard about myself. I don't know why, maybe the movie, maybe because my grandfather is in the hospital, maybe because my dad is planning to move away, maybe because I am going to be 30 & I am not even seeing anyone let alone close to getting married & having babies. I asked my self what I really want in life. I guess it's to be loved & to love. I know I have great friends & a great family, but that isn't the love I've been seeking. Why is it so hard for me to find something that most people have found? I guess that is the way life is. So, I have to ask myself what else makes me happy? I know that seeing different parts of the world would be awesome. Maybe they know something I don't . I am a single gal with no children to tie me down. Just rent to pay & some minimal bills. I can cut down my overhead & work all the OT I can to build up hours & pay & go travel a couple of times a year. I want to go to France, Italy, England, Spain, Portugal, Japan..... So many places that I've never seen. I am never going to go back to school. I can't see that far into the future. I've been so stale & waiting for something that'll never happen. Plan B. Get away from it all.