That's It! I'm Outta Here....

Okay, I have finally decided that I am going to downsize my possessions, not buy anything else that I don't need, save my money & instead of buying a new car or putting a down payment on a house like I previously planned, I am saying screw it & I'm going to back pack through Europe for 6 months or more. Hopefully next year. I can take a leave of absence from work & sublet my apartment & just have an adventure. Since my path isn't a family & domestic bliss, which by the way is the only thing I've ever wanted. Some stability, a house, babies, a husband, bbqs, PTA, everything I never had growing up. If that isn't going to happen, I need to find out who I am. Live for myself. I do that anyways, but I always have "what is the responsible thing to do..." What my dad would say, what my mom would say, what my family & friends think of me. I guess I'm confused & I don't want to be a bitter old woman waiting for someone that will never come. I can live with being the crazy old woman who has a mohawk & listens to death metal while gardening as long as I am at peace with myself. I need to know the core of myself & how to deal with the loss of a dream & to maybe find my real path. I don't think I can do it here. It's too safe, too many outside influences. It's weird, but last night while I was planning all this in my head, I felt like a woman for the first time. Not like a girl. I want myself. I don't want to turn into someone else when I meet a man. Maybe that's why it never works out. I turn myself into what ever I think people want. I don't know myself. I actually am excited & oddly at peace right now.