I got more rhymes than Phyllis Diller

I am sad to hear that MCA has a cancerous tumor that needs to be taken out but at least they say it isn't serious so hopefully he will have more time to have more rhymes than Phyllis Diller. While I was watching the video all I could think was "When did the Beastie Boys get so old?" Don't get me wrong, I'd still jump Ad-Rock in a hot second, grey hair, scruffy beard & all. Still hot after all these years but they are looking old. I'm afraid to look up to see how old they actually are.

In other news, it's been 6 weeks as of yesterday that I had my last sweet cigarette. It still totally sucks, but at least I'm off the patches. The thankswarming went wonderfully. I made dolmathes & tzatziki with Drummergirls help & they came out delicious! It was the first time I made them without my aunt so I am glad they came out edible. I will tweak the recipe just a bit to make them a little better. On Sunday my cousin came over with her daughters & we all made Galaktoboureko. It turned out delicious. I had no clue it had cream of wheat in it. Too bad Mockula is out of town or else I would've dropped off a big slab for her.

I'm off of my antibiotics now & my nose is a little bit better but not cured. I'm afraid I need the surgery again. I don't have insurance so this makes me really sad because it will be probably years before I can breathe again. It gets so frustrating not being able to breathe correctly. Sometimes it makes me so frustrated I want to cry & scrape my sinuses out myself. Oh well. Just have to live with the constant blowing of my nose until I get insurance which won't be for at least 3 years unless I get married or something before then... Who is the patron saint of sinuses? Maybe I can light a candle for them or take out a prayer ad in the pennysaver...

Oh yes, I did go there...

This is probably one of the most offensive pictures that I've seen in a while, but I have to also say that it is one of the funniest damn things I've seen in a while too. Drummergirl made up a new word for something like this "horrifilarious" & I think it sums it up perfectly. I was blessed with this little charmer by my cousin. At work we email each other funny & weird pictures all day. Usually keeping with a theme like Jesus, Obama, or Sesame Street.. No conversation, just pictures. I wish I could take the credit for this little gem, but sadly I cannot. I shared this little ray of sunshine with a few select people & I am happy to say that they all were just as horrified but still laughed. I am glad my friends & family have the same evil sense of humor I have but they also have guilt about laughing at it too. Good times..

On another note, not having health insurance sucks ass. It's been about 3 years and, knock on wood, I've been pretty healthy. Well on Monday it'll be the 1 month mark of no smoking which is the longest I've ever quit. I think my previous record was 2 weeks with an occasional cigarette that was snuck. I can honestly say that I have not smoked one cigarette nor have I even puffed or even been around second hand smoke. Been tough, but I'm sticking to it. Any time I even think about it, I just think about the nicotine stain on my bottom lip. I hope it goes away soon because it never bothered me until now. Can't say why because I don't know why.... Anyways, back to the whole health insurance thing; I've had sinus problems FOREVER. I had surgery that basically was a procedure that is comparable to a nose abortion. I had polyps that were so numerous that they were pushing on my skull. I've always had bad allergies like my father & I'm sure smoking hadn't helped it either. I had an allergy test before the surgery & I'm allergic to many indigenous trees and plants in the area but not cats. Go figure. Anyways, last summer here in Sac town, it was horrible because of all the wild fires & tire fire. I started to have really bad allergy attacks that just turned into a sinus infection that never went away. I thought it might improve when I stopped smoking but it hasn't. I am sure drummergirl is sick of me sneezing and sniffling and blowing my nose non stop so she started to research homeopathic treatments for nasal problems. I also realized that when I was at home, I had been sticking paper towels in my cleavage so I had easy access to something I could blow my nose into. Yes, I use paper towels because tissue doesn't do shit. I also am sick of not being able to breath or smell anything. Drummergirl & I went to Whole Foods & I got a neti pot and other homeopathic stuff for nasal problems. I even went online to see if I could order antibiotics online without a prescription. After searching around, it just seemed to sketchy and I called one of those urgent care places & they said it would cost anywhere from $150-$350 to get seen. I even went as far as to see if taking animal meds is safe for humans since it is legal to get the same antibiotics but for pets legally without a prescription. I hate the fact that I could make less than 3 phone calls & can probably score vicodin, oxycotin, nor-co's, and god knows what easily, but I can't get fucking antibiotics. I sucked it up & called my old doctors office and asked how much it would be to see the doc without insurance. It turned out to be only $50! That is totally doable. They had me set up for an appointment the next day. I went in this morning & the NP confirmed that I had a very bad sinus infection & that my left nostril was so swollen and irritated it was practically swollen up & that is why sometimes I can't even get any air in or out of that one. She prescribed me a hard core antibiotic to take twice a day for 2 weeks because it is so bad. I thank her & take the prescription to the pharmacy. I thought the meds would cost me at the most $50 for generic, right.... Wrong. The antibiotics are $159... And that's generic. My mom is giving me the money for it, thank goodness. Man, I can't wait to have health insurance again. I've made sure I've had my own since I turned 18 & my dad kicked me off of his because I was an adult & he didn't want to pay for it anymore. I'm a temp & the "health insurance" they offer is pure shit & would cost me more than it does to pay out of pocket. At least I know if anything too bad happens I could get medical.... For now I will take the antibiotics, hope I don't get a horrendous yeast infection from the crazy dosage she has me on & hope in a few weeks I will be able to sleep through the night without paper towels shoved up my nose....

What can I say?

I'm not gonna deny that he was a weird guy with some serious problems, but right now there is a 7 year old little girl inside crying over the death of her idol. I hope you are finally at peace....

Day 10

It's been 10 days since I've smoked. It is getting easier with the wellbutrin, but it still sucks. Never smoke, kids. Quitting sucks. I don't like how the wellbutrin makes me feel, but it helps immensely with the yearning to smoke so I will take them for a little while longer until I've fully detoxed. Nothing much else going on.

Day 2 or 3....whatever...

I am on day 2 of not smoking. Well, really my third day of not smoking, because I didn't smoke Monday, but Tuesday the monkey hopped back on my back. This sucks. I figured out some rough math to make myself stick to quitting... I have been smoking since I was 17. That is smoking on a regular basis. I smoked occasionally before then, but it was to look cool. That is a total of 16.75 years of smoking, which breaks down to roughly 6383 days. If I average 10 cigarettes per day on average, I smoked 63,830 cigarettes which is about 3,191.5 packs I purchased. At the first 1,000 at $2, the second 1,000 at $3 & so forth up to the current price of $5 a pack, I've spent roughly $10,000 on killing myself & trying to be cool..... When I look back at why I started I guess it started as a child because both my parents smoked. They smoked in the house & in the car with us. It was the 70's & 80's so it was the norm. As I got into high school, I did it to be cool, plus I love the line in one Soundgarden song about "Sharing a cigarette with negativity". Yes I was all about grunge. After high school I worked at Tower where in order to have a break & to fit in with everyone you smoked. After that, I was hooked. It was actually at tower where I switched from mostly cloves to cigarettes because the rest of the staff who smoked hated the way they smell & made me start smoking regular cigarettes. I can agree because clove smoke makes me sick now. I can say that I was always loyal to Marlboro. Never switched brands, just types. Started with Marlboro lights, then to Marlboro light 100s, then back to Marlboro lights & ending up with Marlboro ultra lights 100's. All in the box. Well, I guess that is it for my bitchy post/dear John post to quitting smoking. I'm going to go find a retarded kid to beat using a baby seal now....

I have arrived!

I am finally in the new place & it is coming together nicely. I'm not blogging from there as we are having problems with the Internet & are planning to get them resolved this weekend. The cats have adapted nicely. Billie loves it & Gary loves it also. We started letting Gary outside & it seems that he prefers to be indoors. He will go out & then come back a while later so that he can poop at the house. Funny little guy. Drummergirl is getting tons of kitty lovin' from him. It took a few days to get him from my old place because the crazy people who live next door tried to kidnap him but I got him & he is home making muffins & nursing on everything he can get his paws on. The house is starting to feel like home & it's been awesome being able to finally cook. I am not completely unpacked, but that is what weekends are for. There are so many birds and squirrels at the new place. Last weekend it was like squirrel island outside in the trees and on the roof. There were at least a dozen squirrels chasing, chatting, and swinging from tree to tree. Very cool squirrel mayhem. Last night I went to my step nephew's high school graduation. Crazy. All the kids are getting so big. It was great seeing my step brother & sister & their spouses & kids. It's been a few years since I've seen them since our parents moved. On a totally different note, I had a huge zit on my upper lip & I discovered after I "took care" of it (trying not to be gross) it was an ingrown mustache hair. I had naired my 'stache this weekend. I didn't know they could get ingrown. To explain the picture, I keyworded unicorn & home and this little gift from the google images gods popped up. Just in case you didn't figure it out, it's Obama nekked on a unicorn. That's all for now, but hopefully we will have the laptops set up this weekend so I can blog more.

I'm outta here!

Moving sucks.  I am posting for the last time at my old house.  Many memories.  More bad than good.  Learned a lot though.  Leaving, I have one less aunt, boyfriend, cat, & dog.  Phew.  Tough past couple of years.  On the other hand, I have only one more semester left at school before I can apply for the Nursing program.  Oh, I got a B this semester for my first A&P class.  Considering how much stuff has happened this semester, I am very relieved to get a B.  I know that I am on my way to being less stressed and actually happy with my home.  No more being a den mother to 3 & 1/2 boys.  I will miss them, though.  Oh!  Today a squirrel pooped on Drummergirl at our new place.  I had never seen squirrel poop before.  Drummergirl was blessed by squirrel poop.  Oh, squirrel poop looks like a larger rat turd.  Okay, I need to finish packing my bedroom....

Light at the end of the tunnel...

In two weeks I will be out of school for the summer & living in my new place. I don't know how I will cope without the stress I live with daily. It will be strange. So many people came out & helped drummergirl & I paint our new place. We don't know how to thank everyone enough. I have a pretty pink room now. I know I'm a 33 year old woman, but who cares, I like it!

I bought some cigarettes yesterday & I was carded & got the whole "You don't look that old" backhanded compliment. I still don't know how to take it. I guess I'm happy I don't look old, but I really don't think 33 is old & it's always older people (like in their 40s & 50s) telling me this. I saw a midget in a suit this week. That's the extent of my humor I have left right now because I am so exhausted. I'll be better in a month.

Oh yes, there will be bacon...

I had an awesome weekend.  After such an absolutely shitty Thursday, it was a much needed break from all that is shit.  Leify greens blessed us with his presence.  It was great seeing him.  Monkey girl threw an awesome BBQ.  Mr. & Mrs. Mockula were there with baby Mockula who is so fricken cute & smart.  We finally got to meet Monkey girls boyfriend who is very cool.  I miss them all.  I am hoping that we can all hang out more now.  That was awesome sitting back & discovering what a "Danny Glover" is & also what a "Tony Danza" is.  I won't go into detail because what you know what they are, you can never unknow them.  Fantastic news is that Drummergirl & I got the apartment!  We sign the lease tomorrow & have the whole month to move in.  I think I have decided to paint my new bedroom pink.  After living with so many boys, it will be nice to be girly again.  Oh happy times!  

Funny, I don't remember eating any corn...

I have no tales about corn in my poo, nor do I know who this guy is.  Both are just funny to me right now.  Sorry for the long delay in posting, but it has been a madhouse in GynaGirl town.  Really busy with school & helping out Drummergirl with her split from Mr. Douche.  Good news is that we've found a place that we both like a lot.  It's not a 100% but it's probably a done deal.  It will be nice to live with a girl & not boys.  I can't wait.  I am planning on taking the summer off of school because I need a big ole break.  There is also a slight possibility that I may be heading to New York City in June for a much needed mini vacation.  School is out in a month so there should be more posting coming.  Speaking of school, I totally wussed out on dissecting a sheep's brain.  I don't like brains to begin with.  They are wrinkly & squishy & grey.  The day of the dissection I had ate at 11am and nothing else & by the time the dissection occurred it was 9:30 pm and I was feeling queasy from not eating anything in a long time.  That just added to the gag factor making slicing into lambkins brain not doable.  I now know that I can't deal with vomit or brains...  I could never be a bulimic zombie...  

It's big, it's heavy....

Since last Wednesday, I've had the stomach flu.  I puked only on one day, but for the rest I've been pissing out of my ass.  I've been afraid to stand up because I thought that I would literally shit my pants.  Fun times.  Tonight was the first solid dookie that I have taken & I am ecstatic!  Hurray for poop!  

With the good, there must be bad.  I was checking my bank account online because I am a nerd like that & saw that there was a withdrawal from my nearby bank ATM today.  Funny, I hadn't gone to the ATM today.  I freak & call the bank.  They said probably my card was "compromised", so I had to cancel the one I have & now I have to wait 5-7 days for a new one to come in.  I hate going into the bank to get money so I am hoping I can hold out with the $10 to my name until the card gets here.  Even when it gets here, I have to go in to pick a pin number.  I also have to remember to change all my online bill paying stuff. Thieves suck.  I shall put "Ta Matea"  (Greek evil eye curse) on them...  

Crisis control & gag reflex

The past few weeks have been absolutely hectic.  I've been involved in some major health concerns with various family & friends.  My godmother has been in the hospital for over 2 weeks with a deadly strain of pneumonia.  She is in ICU hooked to a respirator and we are all hopeful she will be able to beat it.  Drummergirl has been fighting some of her own demons and is finally on the road of recovery (it has nothing to do with substance abuse) and is doing an excellent job with it.  This brings me to this morning;  I got a call early this morning from Mistress Kiki telling me that she is in the hospital because she was in an accident this morning.  Thankfully she is bruised up but fine.  Because of the rain she had hit a slick patch on a freeway onramp and spun out of control and crashed her car.  No other cars were involved.  After getting the message, I find out where she is and run to the bathroom to wash my face, brush my teeth so I can get to the hospital when I get to the bathroom, my roommate is already in the shower getting ready for work.  I knock on the door & ask him if I can come in to quickly wash up so I can jet.  He tells me no problem.  I apologize for intruding on his shower but I tell him it was necessary because my friend is in the hospital from being in a car accident.  He says "Oh, that sucks.  If it makes you feel any better, I am washing my butt hole right now."  Yes, T-Pain, it does make me feel better, strangely enough.  

Which kinda brings me to another problem I've been having lately.  My gag reflex in the morning is outta control.  I am unable to brush my tongue, the back of my teeth, and cheeks without gagging.  Then I also irrigate my sinuses which, strangely enough, also makes me gag uncontrollably.  So far I haven't vomited because I know to take my time with my teeth & my nose, but geez it is really getting old.  

Anthropomorphic Smokey the Bear gone wrong & other randomness

Last week I received our business news letter & I usually don't read it but this time I saw something that caught my eye. There was a picture of a woman standing with this statue of Smokey the Bear. What made me at first do a double take was the HUGE bulge in Smokey's pants. Then I noticed that Smokey somewhat ripped. This is not the Smokey of my youth. I researched the statue discovered that it is a fairly new revamped Smokey. I just want to say that the new Smokey statue is just wrong. In fact it is b-dong. I had to share the pic with Drummergirl, since she is usually the first (and sometimes only) person to be visually punished on a daily basis by me depending on how bored or busy I am at work. She requested that I post it here to share with the world.

Other randomness is that I have my first A&P exam on Thursday, which I am nervous about. The first exams are always scary. I am extra lucky because we also have our first lab practicals on the same day. Scary stuff that I feel I am too old to deal with, but will.

I found out that my uncle had a date this weekend. This is my widowed uncle who is like a father to me. My mom said he had a great time & the lady was nice. I am happy for him but deep down inside, or rather more at the surface, I feel weird about it. I feel like I'm 10 years old. I know this is good for him, it has been a year & a half since my aunt died, he's still young, & I want him to be happy (and so did my aunt), but I still feel like a child about the whole situation. The logical side of me is really happy for him, but the illogical side of me is pouting and throwing a tantrum.

Lastly, I've been obsessed with a couple of bands lately. The first is "Of Montreal". I know that these guys have been around for a while, but I am really loving their album "Skeletal Lamping". It's like really weird & happy muppet music on LSD. They are just fun to listen to. The second band is "The Twilight Sad" which totally sounds like some emo band, but they aren't. The only way I can describe them is that they sound like a Scottish Interpol. I personally adore them right now. Now the singer has a really thick Scottish brogue so it is hard to understand him sometimes, but I find that totally hot. I really think they are talented, but I also know that I am an American woman, so my judgement may be biased because the singer has a thick accent & sounds hot. I am doing a little experiment to find out which it is. I burned a copy for my brother & my cousin (both men) and so far my brother said he likes the music but the singer annoys him because his accent is too thick. I am waiting to hear back from my cousin on what he thinks about them.

Thank You!

I received notification that I had won a blogger award from another silly person who loves poop stories as much as I do! I am very thankful that I am able to share my warped sense of humor with another. He is witty and humorous as well... Check him out if you like.. http://umbrella24.blogspot.com/ I feel compelled to post my acceptance speech since I don't give very many & it insinuates that I eat babies & toddlers!

Now I know why there was a reason I was stretching my vagina to uncomfortable proportions. The universe works in mysterious ways. This is my lame attempt for an acceptance speech.

While baby meat is tender, babies are mostly made of water and make a good roast, but really, who has the time to make a roast these days? I changed my profession to help the world and to make a difference. I hope to visit 3rd world countries and help out the less fortunate as long as they keep their face flies away from me & don’t touch me with their diseased and germy poor hands. Seriously, I kid, I only use toddler meat for my carnitas and poor people are either going to die or reproduce more poor people so, why bother?

I am humbled and grateful for this award. I am also glad to find an other soul who isn’t easily offended, who appreciates a good old fashion dookie anecdote, Eazy-E references, and a hot pic of Alex Lifeson’s camel toe as much as I do. Thanks for the award! -Gynagirl

Vaginal Humiliation & a New Semester Begins

I started my spring semester last week.  I go two days a week from 5:30 to 10:30 pm.  Needless to say I am still getting used to working all day & then going to school all night.  This semester I am taking Anatomy & Physiology I.  So far so good.  I took my first quiz tonight & I aced it.  It will be a hard semester, but I figured as much so I am not taking any other classes.  We had to dissect a rat on Tuesday.  No one in my group wanted to do the surgery so I did it.  I don't really have a problem with it other than I felt bad for the poor little rat.  I made a death shroud for his head so I didn't have to see his little buck teeth while I disemboweled him.  I did a really good job with the dissection.  I won't go into details because some people might find it a bit icky. I did cringe a couple of times, like when I had to break his little ribs to get into the thoracic cavity.  Well any class where you hear "feel the parietal peritoneum and how slick it is" and you automatically do it, is my cup of tea.  

On to the vaginal humiliation...  When I went to target to stock up on "lady stuff", I saw that Always had new pads.  They were new overnight pads in a purple package.  I also saw that OB has a new "Code Purple" tampon which is its "Most absorbent, ever!".  I purchased both.  I usually have menorrhagia the first couple of days of my menses, so I thought "what the heck"...  Well the captain came into town today so I broke out both code purples.....  First, the new OBs have about the circumference of a roll of quarters.  Then tonight I busted out the new pad & I kid you not, the thing is the length of my arm...  Not my forearm (ante-brachial) but the whole arm.  It has a HUGE mound in the center like there is a druid king buried in there.  I totally feel like my vagina is wearing a muumuu.  I can feel the pad tickling the back of my neck.  The tampon totally reminds me of the "Like a virgin" scene in "Reservoir Dogs"...  Instead of "Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick", it's "'pon, 'pon, 'pon, 'pon, pon".  Until I can get to the store tomorrow, I am making a formal public apology to my vagina for dressing it figuratively in a muumuu (pad) & making it wear a back brace with headgear (the tampon)...  Not even this lovely picture of David Hasselhoff naked with puppies is making me feel better...  Well maybe a little.  

Merry New Jesus!

I hope everyone had an awesome Jesus-mas & New Years.  X-mas was busy and New Years was low key.  I received my grades for fall semester & I got an "A" in Bio 100 & I got a "B" in Micro.  That really makes me happy because I could've sworn that I was getting a "C".  This relieves some pressure off of me for my next couple of semesters. I am feeling pretty optimistic for 2009.  9 is my lucky number & my b-day is 9-29, so I am thinking this year will be better than the past couple of years which have pretty much sucked overall.  No real significance to the squirrel pic, just that it is funny & my theme music for 2009 is "Little Acorns".  One nut at a time... (I don't mean that in a Eddie Haskell kind of way either).