Two completely unrelated stories about my nether regions

As most people who know me will tell you; I don't like to wake up. I don't care what time it is or how much I have slept. I have never woken up "bright eyed & bushy tailed" ever.... Wait, let me qualify that... I have woken up happy, but it was because it involved a dinker in my who-ha. Anyways, I always wait until the last moment to get my arse out of bed so I have a set amount of time that I spend on every act I perform in the morning.. Morning pee-1 min, shower-10 mins (unless I can combine the two) Yes I do pee in the shower & yes I am a girl. I ain't frontin', it's just peepee... anyways I usually never factor in the whole poop in the morning because I usually go a little closer to noon, but this morning I had to drop some violent kids off at the pool. But wait... I didn't budget for that time. I had to cut something out of my routine... My makeup. But wait, I am a crafty gal, I could pinch a loaf & put on makeup at the same time. So here I am growing a tail with a big blue Kaboodool on my lap trying to put on mascara while I grunt. Not an easy task, but do-able.

Second story. Since I got my promotion, I have to dress nicer. I now where skirts with tights. I usually sit at my desk either with one of my legs tucked under me or cross legged style. Now I am a tall gal & tights usually start falling after the first hour of wearing them. You can usually find me in the bathroom doing the "pull up the tights" dance often. This morning I was busy & couldn't make it to the bathroom so I sat down & put my leg underneath me & I felt this rip. I blew a hole in the crotch of my tights. Today is a cold day & thank god I am wearing chonies because I keep on getting a breeze where the sun don't shine. I always wear undies because if I don't it feels like my soul is falling out....

If you like unicrons, you love my personal...

Every once in a while, I will get a email from some lonely guy looking for love. Why I had in the past succumbed to the online love search, I closed said account back in March. Didn't work. See the blog about Mr. MC Hammer pants. Anyways, there is my profile out there somewhere & I can't find it. Not bothered enough to hunt it down, but it will still catch me off guard. I got another one today from a 42 yr old man with kids who likes to "hike, bike, spend romatic evenings by the fire" ect. He also wants "someone to wake up with & share a pot of coffee". I am always very nice in replying but what I really want to do is send back my real profile as it would concern a future partner.... It goes a little something like this...

Gynagirl
interests: fecal matter, parasitic twins (dead or alive) retarded cats. Love the outdoors if it includes beer. Loves long walks on the beach if it includes beer. Fires are cool if you are trying to light a bowl with it. I want to wake up each and every morning with a dinker in my who-ha. No games, unless it involves beer.

Cookie Monster Metal

A couple of things while I have time. Nothing too exciting happening in my life but work. This job is giving me heartburn even before I eat anything. Oh & another thing; I woke up with the hiccups. I've never woken up with the hiccups before. Very odd. Anyways some of the exciting/funny stuff I discovered this weekend is;
1. Another name for "Death Metal" is "Cookie Monster Metal". It is funny because if you've ever listened to death metal it DOES sound like the Cookie monster.

2. Two of my favorite artists are working together. Josh Homme (AYE Homme!) is working with Peaches on her new album. I believe if you threw in some dark chocolate, that would be a wet dream for me.

3. I bought the new QOTSA live cd/dvd & it is great. If you are a fan of the Queens, you'll love this combo. Plus Josh Homme is yummy. He also curses up a storm that (as you can ask Mensa) makes my panties drop....

Is it you God? It's me, Gynagirl.

Sorry I haven't been around lately, but I have been slammed with my new job. I won't bore you with the details, but I'll at least get some bloging in today. Yesterday I discovered two things that I will share with you...
1. I went clothes shopping for my new job. I am wearing heels today. Can you believe that? & slacks?!?!?!?! Anyways, I also need some new boule holders so I went & got my usual C, but it was too small... My boules have graduated to D cups. I can't believe it. My nice perfect handful C's have now grown to a bouncy D cup. My girls are growing up so fast. At least now my girls are comfortable in their new home. I am just worried about sagging when I get older. I always moisturize, though.
2. As I was trying to get to sleep last night, instead of counting sheep or meditating, I came up with the most foul disgusting insult I could think of. "3 day old cumm, curry dookie infested, *nal gonnoreyah, leaky boil on a punctured hemorrhoid, *sshole...."
ps. While my spelling is atrocious at times I am purposely misspelling key baddy words.

More Tales of Gary the One-Eyed Wonder Cat

Gary has had a problem recently with scratching my bedroom door & my bedroom wall. The wall paper is shredded in one area. He sits there & meows at the wall & scratches at it. I know because of his breed that he is a very pitter-paw kitty & likes to figure out how to open things & picks things up with his paws, but last night I almost killed him. FYI, most people who know me know this, but I am a most cheery person most of the time, except when I am sleeping. I could beat a baby seal over the head with a bat & not remember it if it woke me up. Last night I locked the boys (Gary & Papi Pequeno) out of my bedroom because Billie Buttons & I were sleeping peacefully & the boys just wanted to run around & play. Around 2:47 am I start to hear Gary scratching & meowing at my bedroom door. Usually after a minute or two he will stop & go off & play, but not last night. He scratched on & on. After 5 minutes of this I got up & went to my kitchen & grabbed some Foil & some tape & headed back to my bedroom door. The whole time I am cursing the cat in cruel & unusual ways. If there was a K.P.S. (Kitty protective services) I would have my babies taken away from me for verbal abuse. So here I am cursing up a storm, threatening to take his only good eye, sitting & taping up tin foil with Santa tape so my bedroom door looks like a tweakers wet dream & it's almost three in the morning. I actually think the cats were laughing at me. I pat myself on the back for a good foil job & go to the potty before I retire again when I see Gary touching the foil with his pitter paw & start to shred it & eat it. Aluminum foil DOES NOT detour cats from scratching stuff. Back to square one & my trusty "Meow Meow Satan squirt bottle". I had to get up & squirt the hell out of Gary for about an hour before he finally gave up. Needless to say I am cranky today.

This is real from the Sheriff's website. Check out why he was arrested...

Inmate Name

SACKRIDER, TERRY DONALD
Aliases

CAPTAIN-SAC, AKA SACKRIDER
X-Reference Number

X-34686
Booking/Registry Number

xxxxxx
Date of Birth

Sex

Male
Height

6'00"
Weight

225 lbs.
Facility


Housing Location

HFD
Mailing Address

Booking Date/Time

08/28/05 at 01:40 AM
Arresting Agency

SACRAMENTO SHERIFF - NORTHEAST DIVISION
Type of Arrest

Pickup (Fresh Arrest)
Charges/Bail
Commitment (local)
PC 314.1
Felony

INDECENT EXPOSURE OF PRIVATE PARTS IN PUBLIC PLACE
Bail: No Bail
Total Bail

Ineligible for Bail
Outstanding Warrants

Unknown
Projected Release Date

04/29/06
Next Court Date

No Court Dates Scheduled
Court Location & Dept.

No Court Dates Scheduled

THANK YOU SACRAMENTO! NOW I GOTTA POO!!!

Instead of boring you all with my tales of my new job, ie; freaking out, running around with my head chopped off & passing out at 8 pm after my first day, I will tell you a tale of poo. On Saturday we had a show to play. I kept on messing up. Not because I was nervous, but because I had to take a major dook. Seriously, I was trying not to shit my pants while I was rocking out on my guitar. If you ever wondered what goes on in a performers head, that was it Saturday night...."one.two.three... one.two....GO BACK IN TURTLE HEAD....one.two... don't shit your pants on stage..."

"No time for love, Dr. Jones"

I am really busy finishing up at my old job before I go to my new position on Monday, but I had to share an actual email I sent to a co-worker about a situation I was unable to discuss but know because I am now in management.... I think I am ready for management!


"Thank you... I wish I could help you in your inquiry, but I am unable to comply for reasons I must not divulge but hope you understand. It is nothing personal & if indeed you are a bit butt-hurt about it, I will do my leadworker duties & show you my boules in an attempt to distract you & your questioning mind. I believe that tactic works for most males."

ps. "Boules" are boobies....

My mom + Darth Vader = Darth Gyna

Last night I watched the 3rd installment of Star wars. I saw it in the theater when it first came out, but re-watched it out of boredom last night. It made me think of a few things...

1. Why were 95% of the Jedi's pussys? You'd think they would know if someone was thinking about killing them before it happens because of the Force. The only one that seems to know what the hell is going on is Yoda (who, when I was small, scared the hell out of me. I actually remember covering my eyes when I was a kid watching "Empire Strikes Back" in the theater with my aunt & uncle).

2. Why did Padame have to go through natural childbirth? Don't they have epidurals in space?

3. Why did Padame die? I think they want us to believe that she died of a broken heart, but once again, don't they have life support in space?

4. If Darth Vader/Anikin Skywalker is so full of the force, shouldn't he be able to feel his children being born? He should get something, right?

5. How did a little whinny white kid (who, I will say, does look hot when he goes over to the dark side) get James Earl Jones's voice when the helmet goes on? If they don't have life support or epidurals, I'm thinking voice changers aren't in space either....

6. Does anyone else laugh every time someone says "Younglings"?

7. Does anyone else hear the Darth Vader theme music when they know they are in trouble or something bad is going to happen? I hear it all the time.

I am sure I have more questions about the installment, but over all I was surprised that I liked it so much. After the first two gay ass Disney Jar Jar Binks installments, I was pleasantly surprised that there was maiming & killing. The way it should be. Did anyone else think that young Anikin Skywalker looked like a young John Denver?

I was also reminded of my mother. She is absolutely in love with Darth Vader. The love goes back to the first Star Wars. I think if she were able to sleep with anyone in the world, it would be first Darth Vader & then second Adam Ant (circa 1982). She actually dragged my brother & I to a county fair to take pictures with Darth Vader when I was like 6. She said it was for us, but even then we knew it was all her. She has Darth Vader stuff all over her room. We give her stuff like moving talking banks (that are actually pretty cool), bubble bath bottles, figurines & anything else we can find. I think in a galaxy far far away, Darth Vader would be my daddy....

Oatmeal, it's the right thing to do if you are a gambler...

While I was talking to Drummergirl last night when I was waiting for the bus, I noticed that I saw about 5 old men that looked like Wilford Brimley that day. Why is it that all white old men with mustaches look either like Wilford Brimley or my personal favorite, Kenny Rogers? One of my favorite websites used to be www.menwholooklikekennyrogers.com but they haven't updated it in almost a year. My favorite was "Satanic Kenny". While Wilford Brimley still looks like he could kick my ass if I didn't eat my oatmeal, it's Kenny I am worried about. I seriously adore Kenny. I have on vinyl & on CD his greatest hits. I ain't ashamed to say that I will occasionally rock out to the K-man & I'm not talking "Islands in the Stream" pussy shit, I am talking "Coward of the County". Just listen to the lyrics. It's about a guy who everone thinks is a pussy. Then the Gatlin brothers gang bang his girlfriend, Becky & he goes balistic. "Lady" is the ultimate get in your panties love song. "Ruby don't take your love to town" is about a vietnam vet who can't get it up so his wife goes to town looking for dick. And you guys thought Pantera was hardcore....

Seriously, the bitch looks like Michael Bolton...

This weekend, I worked & basically slept because I was & now am getting sick. Sunday there was a family emergency so I was worried on top of running a fever. I had ordered season 5 of "Sex in the Shitter" from Netflix. While I can admit watching atrocious movies & TV here, I am not so bold that I can go into Blockbuster & rent them in front of real people. So needless to say, I had like 5 hours of bad TV I was able to watch. What came of it was horrible fever induced nightmares on my couch of me being 36, dressed horribly, blowing UPS guys, being bitter & looking like Michael Bolton. I woke up from said nightmare & called Kiki almost in tears. She reassured me that I wouldn't look like Michael Bolton dressed in bad clothes when I turn 36. Which made me think....

Being a single girl now in her 30's with my biological clock ticking; is there a time when we lose hope in finding out what ever happened to Michael Bolton?

"You are the griddle. I am the meat..."

You know how you get a CD & you absolutely love it so much that you listen the hell out of it until you are so sick of it you don't want to see it? Well I just re-discovered one of my loves from the past. "Loveage. Music to make love to your old lady by". I haven't heard it in probably 2 years & this morning at 5:30 am I wanted something I haven't heard in a while & this popped out. I am glad because it's now 7 am & I am rocking it! Fucking fabulous CD. Jennifer Charles & Mike Patton (sigh). There is a fucking brilliant version of "Sex (I'm a)" You can't go wrong.

On a completely different note, I passed out on my couch last night at 7. I have been working lots of overtime at work & I fighting a cold so I was exhausted, plus I had to be here for more OT this morning at 6 am. My phone went off twice. Once from Kiki who left a message telling me about a $100 tip left by Greek people because she told them she had a adopted Greek family & dropped both my last name & my moms. The customers are actually my Noona's (Godmothers) family. Good to be Greek. When I waitressed, I got a $50 tip on a $20 bill. They were Greek also. Greeks are usually cheap bastards, but for their own, they aren't. Anyways, the other call was a text from TMG from last week. He text me "Hey"........ At 1:30 am... Hmmm Haven't talked to him, but I am thinking booty call? He used to call me when we were hanging out at the wee hours in the morning. I thought it was odd until Kiki told me he was probably trying to hook up a booty call... I didn't believe her ( I am naive) until I noticed that after I told him I was in bed with PBD he would usually get off the phone real quick. I wonder if last night was a booty call? Maybe he just wanted to talk... Very odd. I responded at 5:30 am this morning. We'll see if he responds...

Hey, you got a little something stuck on your head...

They said that before they removed the twin, it would cry & want to eat... Happy Friday!!!

Oh, what large cuff links you have...

Not a whole lot going on in my life right now. Just working late every day to get all my work done before I leave for my new job. As some of you know, I work for the government. When people or agencies don't pay their taxes, I file liens against them. Good times. I actually like my job. It's fun being paid to be a bitch. Well today I see that the California Republican Party is delinquent. Guess who will be the last lien I file on before I leave?!?!?! Oh, I went downstairs in my building this morning & saw the most delectable guy. He was cute, but what won me over was the fact that he was in a really nice suit. Usually I don't like dressed up men so much, but this guy had to be in his late 20's, cute as hell & sporting a nice suit & tie that he wasn't used to. Nothing hotter that a hot awkward guy in a nice suit... Yummy.. If I wasn't at the end of my break I would've grabbed him & dragged him in the bathroom & did some naughty things to him...

I'm Rick James, Bitch! & showering with two boys...

This morning I let my soul glow. With the moisture in the air, my new hair cut, my bangs & some gel, I now look like Rick James. I kinda like it. On a completely different note, my boys, Gary & Papi Pequeno, are completely & utterly cute. They have been following me every where because I really haven't been home that much. Both of my boys fetch. Papi Pequeno brings me his toys for me to throw. He likes to bring me toys when I am sleeping, in the shower or when I am sitting on the pot. There are toys in my bed when I wake up & he was dropping them in the shower when I was in there, but today he actually jumped into the shower with his toy & was waiting for me to throw it. Usually the boys will wait on the bathtub ledge in between the shower curtains while I am bathing, but Papi has taken it one step further. I would think the water would scare him, but it doesn't. Gary is getting older so he doesn't play as much as he used to but he still nurses in my armpit. He slobbered up a storm last night. I feel bad, but he wakes me up in the middle of the night slobbering & making kitty muffins in my pit so I have to kick him off the bed. Strange boys. Hopefully they will eventually chill out like my Billie girl.

R.I.P. NARDS

Nards, you were a special mouse & I think because I found you dead in your wheel at the ripe old mouse age of two & a half, I know you died a happy, crusty old mouse. You were meant to be a meal for Murray the snake, but for some reason, Murray didn't want to eat you. After a couple of days I felt bad for you living in constant fear & started to sneak food to you in the snake cage. I made PBD sneak you food also when I couldn't. We named you "Nards" because of your, well, huge mousy nards. After about 2 weeks, you got too big for Murray to eat so Inca was going to trade you in for a smaller mouse, but I knew that you cheated death & deserved to live a fat mousy life. I went to the pet store & bought you a deluxe mouse cage with a psychedelic water mushroom & a silent wheel. We had the bright idea to buy only female feeder mice for Murray so you could have a romantic evening with them before they were sacrificed. We thought with your huge nards, it was uncomfortable to not have periodic releases. The first mice ladies were "Paris" & "Nicky". Nicky turned out to be a boy, but that didn't stop you from going from the gold. You were crazy for Paris & I think I saw a tear in your little mouse eye when we feed her to Murray. The day I bought you a mouse ball so you could roll around was great! Good times, Nards. You cheated death many times, not just with Murray the snake. You were a morsel to Billie the cat who would stalk you when you were rolling around in your mouse ball. You have been dropped a few times. Gary the cat has almost eaten you. The final few months of your life I knew that the time was almost upon us. You were going to the big wheel in the sky soon. You lost weight. Your eyes were getting fogged. Your once magnificent nards, were shriveling up like raisins. You started to go bald. But deep down inside I knew you were happy. Every time I heard your little wheel going & going & going. This morning when I went to say good morning, I didn't hear your little wheel. I knew something was up. I found your little old body in your wheel. Just the way you probably wanted to go. I'll miss you...