This is the end...

When I woke up this morning, The Doors "This is the end" was running through my head. It still is... After today I will be off until Monday, so you all who aren't here in town will have to wait to see if I live or get alcohol & THC poisoning this weekend. I know I suck, but I don't have a computer at home. Never really needed one there. I do all this stuff on County time. Your taxes hard at work... I know that I am being a little bitch about this, but this is the first age that I actually feel old. I know it's not "old", but when someone asks me how old I am & I say "30", they will ultimately say "you don't look that old?", which happened this weekend. So I will get outta my early life crisis the only way I know how...TO PARTY PARTY PARTY!!!! Hopefully I can fulfill my dream of playing on stage & vomiting at the same time, but not missing a note... We'll see.... Tonight Inca is taking me to the NIN/QOTSA concert which will probably make me explode with pleasure. Great, I'll be drunk, high & horny with no one to help... Crap I hate being single sometimes... Tomorrow, Kiki has made an appointment with a psychic for me, then go home to get high, then dinner with the grandparents at 4, go home to drink & get more high & then the show. That should be FUN!!! Daniel is even going to show up & make it all better. I love that little gay guy..... Oh well, when you hear from me next, I will be even older & more bitter.... But at least I am hoping for some really good pictures to be taken in my stupor...

Oh the things I could do with those ears....

The weekend went great. Saturday had a big family party, which is always fun. Sunday, Drummergirl & I went out to the mall & stuff to do girly stuff then had a huge fat steak... Yesterday I woke up feeling like my head was going to explode from the inside out. Then I looked outside & saw it was black with storm clouds. God I can't wait for my surgery. Had to call in sick. So today my head still hurts & I am fucking freaking out about my birthday in 2 days. I am going to be 30... All I can show for it is 3 cats... No husband, no baby, no house, no real career.... But I do still get carded for cigarettes... Seriously, I just got carded on Thursday... So now I am back listening to NIN & crying softly on the inside... On the bright side, tomorrow Inca is taking me to the NIN & QOTSA show for my birthday & I get to start my weekend of utter debauchery tomorrow night. My goal is not to remember the transition from my 20s to my 30s. Only going to come out of my beer & weed induced haze for my family dinner on Thursday with my grandparents... Well then I might introduce champagne into the party in my liver.... Because being drunk on champagne is classy...

Slayer Rules!!!

When I woke up this morning, the Darth Vader music was back. Probably because I have 1 week until I turn 30... 7 Days... Ack... Enough of that crap... Last night Drummergirl & I went & got our somewhat matching tattoos of our band logo. Her tat is on her back & mine is on my other forearm. Very cute, both of them. DG did so well & she didn't cry. I think hers is more hardcore because they were playing Slayer while she was getting her's done, so that automatically makes her more hardcore. The artist would pause while inking her to stop & air guitar. He ruled. Mine was less exciting though the air guitaring & air drumming continued with the punk band we were listening to while I was getting inked. After DG wanted to go out & kick someone's ass. No one in particular, just anyone. I love my new tat. It is sooo cute. All my other tats are no where near cutesy so I love this one. I almost feel like a pirate which in my book is a big plus. Basically it's what is on the drum in the picture....

Zombies, Bitch Tits, Dead Pigeons & Freak Babies....

Yesterday I was walking to my bus stop after work & saw either a woman with mutton chops or a man with the biggest bitch tits I have ever seen. I wish I had a camera phone. As a added plus, they were squeezed into a lark puttin around with a bottle of something in a paper bag. Then when I got to my bus stop, I saw a pigeon get hit by a car & it made the most gnarly "POP!". I have never heard a pop like that. It haunts me now. Plus the dead pigeons little pigeon pal was hanging around for it. Poor little guys... Then a man was walking towards me, but he walked like a zombie, so of course the first thought I have is kill the head & the body will die. Then he comes up to me to tell me "you are so purdy. Are you dating anyone?" instead of trying to eat my head. I was relieved & answered appropriately. Hey, he may walk like a zombie, but it takes guts to talk to someone, so instead of chopping his head off I was nice. When I was on the bus, there was a woman with a baby on her lap. The baby was probably like 8 months, but it was tiny. It was itty bitty freakishly little. That got me thinking... I wonder what dwarf or midget babies look like....

"Scrot" is my all time favorite...

I'm bored. Delinquency notices have hit so I am stuck on the phones listening to pissed off & crying people who are giving me every excuse in the book, so while I am supposed to listen & care, I am going to list words that I think are funny. Please feel free to add any you see fit...

Taint
Scrot
Pull
Butt
Box
Stick
Unit
Staff
Beaver
Walrus
Poop
Kaka
Dookie
Dook
Sharts
Fart
Blumpkin
Vulva
Vagina
Anal
Poop-log
Sphincter

I will add more as I see fit...

Keep me away from the leather seats...

I think I know why I have been an emotional wreck lately. I think I ovulated today. I am sure I felt it this morning & when I just went to the potty, I had to wipe like 20 times. Ladies you know what I am talking about. If I sat somewhere naked, I would slip off the seat. Yucky...

Mensa & Lil' Lazy Eye representin' the west side, ese...

Thanks to Mensa for this delicious picture of us at the Chola/Vato party a couple of months ago... Notice the slanted eyes, as you can tell, I was under the influence. Gawd, how white am I? Really, I am Mexican & Greek. Thanks Mensa for making me laugh & the comment about little Thea Homme.. You know the kid would come out of the womb with a cigarette in it's mouth. On a sad note, I have to say good by to my cigarettes for awhile. I am actually sad about it. I LOVE to smoke, as most of you know. I smoke like a good Greek girl should, but when I have my surgery done I have to say goodbye to my little cancerous friends. I know most of you are saying "HURRAY!", but I really love to smoke, so I am very sad....

Daddy Issues, Vomit & Titty Bitting

I was still feeling slightly blue when I got home on Saturday. I had to go to my Goddaughters/cousins birthday party so I sucked it up & went with my mom, grandma & nephew. Well my grandma said she had a surprise for me. It turned out to be a photo album with lots of pictures in it. Pictures of me as a baby, as a kid & lots of pictures of the family n such. Very nice, except there were a lot of pictures of me & my dad. That made me feel like shit since I haven't heard from him in over a month. I know my dad is a complete asshole, but he's still my dad & I miss him. Then I turn the pages & there's douchebag & me. Oh great, more men that have abandoned me or broke my heart. I know I have daddy issues, who doesn't. Then comes more abuse from males in my life. When the nephew & I get home from the party, I was changing him into his PJs & I guess he had a little bit too much fun because he vomited all over me. Nice. I think he felt better after because he was laughing. Yesterday I was watching the beastos once more & we were playing. We have a little game where I lay on the floor & he beats me up. I know I am 5-9 & he is like 2 ft tall, but he's a cutie & the only male in the world I'll let hit me.. Well, we were playing & he gets really excited & bites my boobie. Holy shit, that hurt soooo bad. I almost cried. Even though he has only 6 teeth, he held on & shook like a dog. Now my girls are EXTREMELY sensitive. I can tell you which way the wind is blowing or when there is a temperature change. Beastos thought it was the funniest thing in the world & went back for a second bite. I held him back & cried a little on the inside. Now my gal has a bruise in the shape of mini teeth. That about sums up my weekend...

Because Sad Clown is How I feel on the Inside...

Another sad clown day. Don't worry Monkeygirl, no pictures of scary crying clowns. Maybe it's because I had to be up & 5 and at work by 6 & it's Saturday. I am sure listening to NIN hasn't helped either. Won't go into details, but just feeling blue & alone. The usual. Maybe I can talk Kiki into a couple of bottles of wine tonight & we can sit around listening to PJ Harvey, NIN & Liz Phar & bitch about men & how much they suck & how much we miss them...

Life Is Good...

I was having such a crappy day & then I stumble upon this. God does work in mysterious ways..

13....Being a Uber-Bitch & Gummy Bears...

I woke up pissy. The cats were going at it at 5:00 this morning & woke me up. Then I got on the bus & some chick asked me for money & gave me the same sob story she gave me 2 weeks ago. I called her on it, "Didn't you ask me for money two weeks ago for the same reason? And no I am not going to give you any money". I guess I scared her because I sounded like a uber-bitch & she apologized profusely & changed seats. I expect to be asked for money on the streets. That's just how it is and I know it accept it, but when you ask me for money when I am eating in a restaurant or trying to commute to work I will be a super bitch about it. First of all I work damn hard for what I have & I will be damned if I will give even a penny up to someone who doesn't work. Call me a heartless bitch, but it's my money & if I'd rather wipe my ass with a dollar bill than give it to someone who asks me for money, that's my fuckin' prerogative. Seriously, I get asked for money in this city on a daily basis. When I was in New York fuckin' City, I didn't get asked once. Never. Yesterday when I was at work, I was talking to this guy who didn't want to pay his taxes because he is a recovering drug addict and had a note from his psychiatrist. I told him "No". First of all, I am a fuckin' tax collector. I'm evil, the bible says it. Jesus does not love me. Second everyone knows that there are two things certain in life; death & taxes. Third there is nothing I can do. It's the law & you gotta pay up. Fourth, that's one of the lamest excuses I've heard & I hear a lot of them. Fifth, I don't care if you cry or tell me that I am the most horrible person in the world, this is what I am paid to do. I don't give a fuck. I am a heartless bitch when it comes to my job & that is why I am so good at what I do. Anyways, this guy hangs up on me & calls back & gets my co-worker & asks her if "she's the mean lady". That made me laugh. I've made countless people cry. Not just women, but men also. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. Great, now I sound like my dad... On a completely different note, I wonder how many gummy bears I would have to eat before my dook looks like fruit cake? Or if I eat them whole, will they come out whole? Maybe a little experiment will make me feel better....

14.... Donkey Punching to Interpol....

I had a great time last night even though the concert sucked ass. Now I absolutely adore Interpol & they played great, it was the lame ass crowed that sucked big dirty cock. Freeborn Hall was only half filled at the most. Filled with Emo-Boys & their girlfriends. The crowd had no energy & the poor guys from Interpol just went through the motions of the show. Very sad stuff. Now when I get bored, I do things to keep myself amused or else I'd probably hurt people. So at first Kiki, Monkeygirl, Mensa & I were playing "Pick out your Emo boyfriend", which was a smashing success. But it was almost like shooting fish in a sad sad hair gelled barrel. I spit my gum out on the floor & for an hour, Monkeygirl & I were watching to see who would step in it. 2 people walked on it, but it didn't stick. Monkeygirl & I were trying to dance like 2 of the girls around us who if had a map tattooed on their body couldn't find the beat. I have to give them props for feeling the music, because I wasn't. Then I made the comment that the lead singer from Interpol sounded like Rob Schneider from B-52's which in turn caused Mensa to sing along with the rest of the Interpol songs but like Rob Schneider & singing "Rock Lobster". Next time you are listening to Interpol, try it, it works. On the car ride home, Kiki, Monkeygirl & I were singing Interpol songs, but changing the lyrics to "Donkey Punching, Jelly Doughnuts" & I think you get my drift. Once again it works. Try it. I did find out another sex term, "Walrus", which is funny & makes sense when you think about it. So to sum up the experience now before I ramble on because I am tired & it is early & I am supposed to be working; listening to Interpol usually makes me want to hump, but the feeling wasn't there last night due to the lack of energy the crowd had. Once again, I HATE DAVIS!!!!

15....Daniel & I...

Went to the doctors yesterday & I get to go in for surgery on Oct 10th. Not only is my right sinus so fucked up that it is actually swelling out pushing into my skull, I also have a deviated septum. YEAH!! Well at least in a month I will be able to breathe. The only thing is that I will be out of work for a week & have to sleep like the Elephant Man for about a week. For those of you that have never seen the movie, I have to sleep sitting up. Plus I can't bend over, blow my nose, go swimming & eat spicy foods for a while. On the plus side I get to see what I would look like if I ever got into a fight. I hope to go out into public with various men in my life, ie: friends, brother etc, while it looks like I've been beaten just to make people think they are wife beaters & beating me. Tonight Monkeygirl, Kiki & I are traveling to evil Davis for the Interpol show. I can't wait. They put on a great show. I saw them a couple of years ago at The Fillmore. Plus hanging out with Kiki & Monkeygirl is always fun. Let's see how many Emo-boys we can make cry.... The above picture is from our show with the infamous Daniel... How I love little dancing gay men who'll let you touch their balls for $2...

16... I'm Sweet....

I stole this from RDCHINO, the smart bastard, who stole this from someone else... Go to google & type in your "(name) is" including the quotation marks & see what you find...

Althea is an IMAP client for X Windows that uses the GTK widget set. (what the hell is a widget?)

The Althea is on the Via Delle Caldaie at #25 (not lately)

ALTHEA is a beautiful female goddess (oh yeah, baby)

The original Althea is not actually for sale (well, for the right price)

Althea is designed in the Italian style as the ideal ensemble (well actually I was designed in the Greek & Mexican style)

Althea isa very professional harpsichord and one of our busiest rental instruments (um, okay)

Althea is an erect perennial herb (teeheehee...erect)

Althea is faced with a difficult choice (to whore or not to whore)

Althea is regarded by many as the Greek goddess of healing. (or the Greek Goddess of rockin'!)

Althea is not always interested in doing the wrong thing. (yeah right)

Althea is a stripper with a horrible childhood (not a stripper, normal crappy childhood)

Althea is a puller of spirits, (I'm a puller alright, but not of spirits)

Althea is sweet (there are too many to go on, so I'll end with this gem)

17...Kitten balls & a dead squirrel

Papi Pequeno is doing fine without his balls. I wish I had a digital camera so I could take before & after pictures because his nards were HUGE. On another note, one of my co-workers was telling me about a funny smell in her car that she can't find the source. That reminded me of my squirrel in the engine story. Now most people who know me know that I absolutely love squirrels. They are my favorite animals. I know they are just tree rats with tails, but I think rats are cute & anything with a bushy tails are adorable. When I lived on C & 25th there was a fire in an apartment building right across the street from our apartment one night. Big fire & lots of fire trucks. They put it out & no one was hurt, or at least I thought. The next couple of days I started to smell something funky in my car. Well the city dump was not far from my apt & sometimes in the summer our neighborhood would smell like the dump if the wind was blowing in our direction. I went out & got some car air fresheners & didn't anything of it until the stench started to get worse. Drummergirl & I were doing something, coffee, shopping, robbing & pillaging, & we were driving around in my car & she noticed the smell too. She recommended that we pop the hood to make sure nothing was in there. When we got to her house, we popped it & found the above picture. Drummergirl screamed & dropped the hood & I started giggling. We ran & got Mockula & told her to get her digital camera. She came out & took the picture with her eyes closed. Then came the dreaded question, who's going to pull it out. Well since it was my car, I was the obvious contender, but being a girl & feeling bad about killing a squirrel, I couldn't do it. So I drove home freaked out that the squirrel would heat up & explode. My then boyfriend was out of town & my brother wasn't answering the phone. I guess I would have to do it. But when I got home, Kiki's then boyfriend was there & said he would do it. Being the hardcore punkrocker he was, he grabbed it without gloves & ran around telling us to look at it's balls. Poor little guy was crispy. We said a few words & threw it in the garbage....

20.... The Article That Never Was...

I was just cleaning out some of the stuff on my computer here at work & came across this little gem my ex & I wrote together for Shortbus Mag, sadly, a defunct zine from my hometown. The names have been changed to protect the douchebag.... Oh, BTW, after I turned this in to the editor of the zine, who thought it was hilarious, I was told it was a bit "much" for the publication...
BITCH SLAP
By Gynagirl & Douchebag

Duchebag & I were sitting around on the front porch drinking Pabsts talking and the discussion turned to our favorite demeaning sex acts i.e.: Dirty Sanchez & Donkey Punching, when we realized that they were all aimed toward Women & gay men and there wasn’t really anything that a woman could do to demean a man in bed other than the obvious which is biting it off, so we came up with some of our own…

Wet Wilma
Kind of like “The Dirty Sanchez” in that the woman inserts her finger into her hoodilihoo & sticks it under her mans nose at an inopportune time.

Crotching Tiger Flaming Dragon
While giving manual stimulation, the lady sneaks in a handful of tiger balm while her victim is otherwise preoccupied.

Claps & Poof
While the gentleman is giving oral pleasure, the chica traps her man’s head so he is unable to retreat & whispers brown secrets in his face using her starfish.

Juice Quiefton
Playing with the Queen of farts… While her man is performing orally, the woman tries to save up all her love juice & lets it go all at once using her PC muscles right in his face… Kind of like a money shot…

Redrum
The female “forgets” that aunt Flo is in town & proceeds with copulation. (This is only funny if the man in her life has light colored bedding & it’s dark during the act.)

“P” SpotThe Woman save’s up a little urine for when she is about to climax & then lets it go all over him, claiming that he “hit (her) “G” spot”.

Still 21....

I had a dream last night that we opened for Violent Femmes & The Cowboy Junkies at the filmore, so I am listening to the new Cowboy Junkies & they have a outstanding version of U2's "One" that has made me cry. Sometimes I forget I am a girl...

21...

I got one of my new tattoos last night! It is way cool. It's not any of the ones I had posted here. I can describe it as swirly-coils that go from my wrist to my elbow on my forearm. The gods were kind to me because the shop was playing QOTSA "Rated R" as I was getting it done. I couldn't of asked for a better album to be played.

22....WHOOOO!!!!

It doesn't matter when or how many times I've listened to any Nine inch Nails albums, it always makes me go "WHOOOO!!!" on the inside. Really, I am that drunk guy who wears the bands t-shirts to the concerts who yells "WHOOO!!!" through out the whole show. I am that guy on the inside when I listen to NIN. Listening to them make me want to beat someone up. Really beat someone to a pulp. I feel like I am in high school again. I am drunk, crying & screaming the lyrics to myself, over some dumb boy. Even on the new album, Trent knows the teen angst that still lives in my heart..WHOO!!!!!

23....

The show on Friday was a success. We were able to get over $60 for our share of the door to donate to the hurricane victims. The Gynas care... Daniel showed up & showed everyone his twig & berries. I think that freaked everyone out. I thought it was hilarious especially because my mom was there. Got a bit boozy & I think I scared a friend of Drummer Girls boyfriend. I was blabbing on about how your vagina falls out when you get old. You know, the normal for me when I get boozy. Speaking of vagina's; the captain is in town this week & I need to ask the ladies something, do you ever put in a tampon kinda sideways? This morning I was in a rush to get to work & I put the damn thing in. I did notice that it was put in wrong, but I hoped it would correct itself. It didn't so I run into work late walking funny. This sucks about as much as when your pad gets flipped on the edge & grabs your pubes & yanks them out every time you move a millimeter... Ah the joys of being a girl.

27..... OOPAH!!!!

As some of you may know, the Greek Food Festival is this weekend at the convention center downtown. Come & eat, dance & do shots of ouzo off of Yanni's 6-pack! Some people you may not know were part Greek.... Tommy Lee (his sisters name is "Althea"), Billy Zane, Jeff Buckley, Jennifer Aniston, Tom Hanks wife (whats her face) & countless other people who rule because of the Mutha Land... Yes, all Greeks are this obnoxious. BTW, I have no clue who these people are, but the costumes are real... Peace out....MALLAKAS!!!!

PS. That means "jerk off"
Skatah = Shit
Putana= Whore
Milos=Apple

Let The Countdown Commence...28...

When I woke up this morning, I heard the Darth Vader theme running through my head. "Why?" you may ask, well there are 28 days until I turn 30 & I'm starting to freak out. I was okay with it until today. I don't know why I am freaking out. I know there isn't a real reason why I should, it's another day. My head won't explode. It's not my expiration date or anything, but I still am freaking. I feel like I should be out in the forest naked living off the earth for the next 28 days to prove that I've learned something & I deserve to live another 30 more years. Instead, I think I will take up drinking when I can so that the next 28 days will be more of a blur or dream....

PS. The Mermaid is winning so far. If anyone has any other suggestions please email them to me ASAP or post them in my comments. I only have about 2 weeks before I get them...