I'm alive!

& I am back at home. I've been home for almost a week now. Sorry I haven't written. I couldn't find internet on the islands I was on. I know most of you are thinking "NO! How could she come back after a week & a half!" Well, I was so miserable that I had to. I had a total of 3 conversations when I was there and one was with a dog. I mastered getting around & finding places to stay & trying to eat, but I couldn't get over being in my head for days at a time with no one to talk to. There weren't any English speaking people. If there was, they were couples & the conversation usually went "Were are you from. Oh nice. Ok have fun bye."

The hatred of Americans was overwhelming. It would change if I told them I was Greek, but most conversations didn't get that far. Greeks are naturally abrupt & rude (in our standards) so after so much negative human contact, I couldn't take it anymore. I know, most people say "tell them you are from Canada", but I am not. Sure my government embarrasses me, but I am American & my grandparents & great grandparents went through hell to get here and start a better life. I will not be ashamed of my country. I was overcharged, almost took a wrong ferry & just general made to feel like caca after someone found out I was American. It sucked. If I wasn't by myself, I am sure I would've let it roll off me, but this was the only human contact I was getting & it was wearing me down. I was followed by weird guys on 2 occasions. While I didn't feel scared, because I was pissed, it still didn't help the situation out any. Thank gawd, "FUCK OFF" is universal. I got sick of the pointing & the staring at my Tattoos. You may be speaking in a different language, but if you are looking at me & whispering, I am pretty sure you are talking about me.

We also had a death in the family & I was able to make it back home in time for the funeral. There were times where I would have a mild anxiety attack because something didn't feel right & I needed to get home. After I got back & saw my family at the funeral, most of them told me that they were really glad that I was home because they had a funny feeling. I feel so much better now that I am home. I've decided to not work until January & spend some time with my family. I am going to help my grandma clean out her house & spend some time with her. Also if anyone needs any help with doing anything, let me know. I got all the time in the world.

Here are the highlights from my trip; In Syros, I turned a wrong way walking to my hotel & got lost for an hour, even though my room was a block from the harbor. See, Syros used to have a pretty bad pirate problem & so there streets are made confusing on purpose. Also in Syros, there are restuarants set up all along the harbor, very beautiful. A huge yaht docked right in the middle & a fat old man got off, stripped down & proceeded to wash his body with a hose about 6 feet from lots of people eating & drinking. This included his ass & balls. That same day I was followed all around by some weird guy until I told him to f-off. I left Syros & went to Naxos after a couple of days. I stayed in a place right accross the street from the beach. Very nice beach, but full of old leathery naked people. I've seen so much old scrot & saggy titties that I will never work in a old persons home. After I reread my books for the tenth time, I would try to find food & go back to my room & sleep. This was my 4 days is Naxos. I got a really good tan, though.

Now I am home & happy about it. I left because something didn't feel right & I didn't want to start hating a place or places that I love or might love. I still want to see the world, but not by myself. I am happy that I tried to do it. I don't regret any of my decisions. I am just really happy to be home!

Day 3... I think.

Well I feel a bit better. I spent the last hour trying to find the tourist information office in Syntagma but couldn't find it so I guess I will just lug my big ole bag & myself down to Piraeus & wait for the next ferry. Hopefully I won't be down there for hours. Feeling alot better, but just a bit frustrated. Talking to Drummergirl & hearing how she went throught the same thing when she went to Budapest made me feel a whole lot better. Well, I will write when I get to Syros or the next ferry I can catch to somewhere...

Yassas!

I am feeling much better today & the anxiety attack I was having is done with. I went to the Acropolis today & that was fun. I am taking a ferry to Syros tomorrow to start on my Island adventures. I'll blog when I get there. Thanks for the words of confindence, Mockula. I heart you & miss you!

Back in the motha land!

Well I am in Athens. The flight sucked major d*ck the only highlite was that there was an old man with a huge tumor or cyst on the back of his neck & he grew his hair out over it like a comb-over/mullet. Very strange. I am jet-lagged & exhausted because I couldn't sleep on the plane. I am very bummed that the dollar sucks right now. Everything is so expensive. I am also feeling extremely freaked out, alone & overwhelmed right now. Tomorrow I will attempt to venture more than 2 blocks from my hotel. I think I will feel better as soon as I get outta Athens & onto an island where I can chill on the beach. It's strange because I am usually a very confident traveler & I think I am pretty good at it, but right now I just feel lost & wanna go home & crawl under my covers. I think it's because I am by myself. Getting lost isn't fun unless you are with a buddy. I gotta give props for all you who have been overseas by yourselves. Any pointers? It's strange because I haven't had a conversation with anyone today. I am in a city of millions & feel so isolated. The good thing is that I can brush off pan handlers easily because I can't understand a word they are saying. I forgot about all the gypsies here. I also forgot how much it smells like B-O. Stinky old man B-O everywhere I go. Well hopefully I will be writing a more positive blog tomorrow but for now I am going to go crawl under my covers & try to convince myself that I didn't make a huge mistake....

Let the freaking begin!

Well, my kitties are all in their new foster homes. Billie is loving life at Kiki's even though I know as soon as I step on the plane, Kiki will be putting bonnets on her & making her belly dance. The boys are with my brother's baby mama & while technically I am not "homeless", my apartment has no furniture in it & I have 3 days to get the rest of my crap out & tweaker clean it. Then I am homeless. I leave in 2 weeks. So far my mom has cried twice while on the phone to me, she's worried but proud, and my going away party has been planned. On a less stressful note, I won $250 playing Black Jack at our local Indian casino. It was my first time playing it! The whole time, Kenny Rogers' "Gambler" was playing in my head & it was quite helpful. Only I did count my money while I was sitting at the table, only I did it when the dealing was done....

Let the euro whoring commence!

Well, Greeky & I are no more. It is for the best & I really don’t want to discuss the details as it is private. I am actually relieved that I won’t have any ties when I leave next month. Completely free! Sooooo….. (see above). Today is also my last day at work. Life is actually starting to look up!

Like Caine from Kung Fu, but with boobies & drunk and not helping people along the way.

That is how I am going to describe my quest. Just like the TV show, I will be writing about my quest hopefully several times a week. Not sure what I am looking for, but I will do my best to search every pub & beach for it. I am like Caine, except I won't be glowing, well maybe in Amsterdam. Stay tuned for the up and coming episode "Vomit in the strafe... Will Gynagirl find her hostel after multiple steins of beer during Oktoberfest in Munich"...

Goddamn tree & thoughts about Elton John...

A couple of weeks ago I was at Greeky's apartment & he woke me up early in the morning to tell me that a huge branch fell on my car. I run outside & thank gawd there was only scratches & a couple of dents on my car. No broken windows which is amazing because this branch was about 15 feet long & about 80 lbs. Well I go over to Greeky's on Friday night & park in front of his apartment under the poltergist tree but pull forward so I am not directly under the damn thing. I get my overnight bag outta my trunk & head to Greeky's. I get to Greekys apartment & he is heading outside to take the trash out or something & he comes back & about 5 minutes have passed since I've gotten there & he tells me that "a branch fell on your car again"...... What the fruit! I run outside & yes the f*cking tree has dropped another HUGE branch on my car, but this time since I pulled up a little past the tree, it just tagged my trunk. No broken glass, but more dents & scratches. Why does the tree hate me so?

On a completely different note, I got to burn Elton Johns greatest hits to my ipod. Man do I loves me some Elton John. I forgot how much I dug his old stuff. I'm talking "Tiny Dancer", "Rocketman", "Levon", "Your song" & "Daniel". I must look like a complete tard in my car singing "Levon" at the top of my lungs like my life depended on it.

What are some of your guilty music loves? I am curious to see what abominations are rocked out to in secret...

Stay tuned after these messages....

It's been a while since I've written so I just wanted to tell everyone to still stay tuned in because I'll be writing bunches in September & on when I am in Europe. Right now I am really busy with work because I only have 3 weeks left (yay!) so my blogging will be scarce until I get to Europe, but stay tuned!!!

Kissing Cousins.

Well, Greeky & I are doing really good. He finally met Mockula & Drummergirl this weekend & they give their approval. He's meet my mom & bro & they dig him. He's meeting the rest of my family this weekend. I hope he doesn't try the "we're kissing cousins" joke which consists of him telling people that "we're cousins, kissing cousins" & then sticking his tongue down my throat. While it is funny with pals, my grandma & Papou might not find it so funny....

I have pretty much accepted that Kiki doesn't like him & probably never will. I think she'll feel better once I am on the plane going on my trip. No matter how many times I reassure her that I am indeed still going on my trip, she still thinks that I am going to stay to be with Greeky. I am not. It'll be hard to be away from him, but it's only for a few months.

I put in my resignation at work last week & that kinda freaked me out, but I feel liberated. I have a month & a day from today. It'll give me a good month to get my stuff in order & move out of my apartment before I leave.

I came here to drink some beer & kick some a**....

Well, as most of you know, I am a tax collector & work with the general public. I am hated being the bearer of bad news even before people talk to me, so I try to lessen the blow of having to pay taxes by usually being nice & sympathetic. Today some beyatch comes into our office & starts complaining & wants to see the supervisor, which is me. Well, this snatch is angry over paying $1.75. I explain why she has to pay the money & she keeps on arguing & getting more & more forcefully & ghetto trying to intimidate me into giving her the info for free. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I started taking the pill. Now the pill either makes me cry or want to kick some a**. Today it was the later. I should've just let it roll off me, but the skank kept on & on until I had to get ghetto on her a** too. The whole time I was saying in my mind; "B*tch, go on, hit me". I was hoping she would hit me so I could take her down. I am not a violent person, but damn. Drummergirl thinks it's because Lil Kim got outta jail today.

Oh, if it’s going to be that kinda party….

Ok, so I need some help. Greeky has no problem farting around me, which is stinky but great. I am glad he is comfortable enough to float an air biscuit when needed. As most of you know, I am not a prissy gal. I totally think dookie & farts are funny. Now I have busted out burps around him & he doesn’t mind, in fact he rates them which is lovely for me because I really do enjoy burping, but I’ve never let a barking spider loose around him. The other night he thought it would be funny to give me the kiss of the starfish on my leg & treat me to a Dutch oven. Unfortunately at the time, my brown-eyed Oracle didn’t have to speak her funky tales, or else I would’ve treated him to one of my starfish specials. Now I still refrain from letting any drop, but I am thinking its open season in stanky land. What do you guys think? Is it now cool for me to let my booty roam free?

Ain't that a beyatch...

Well Greeky & I are still going strong & diggin' each other more & more & I leave in less than 2 1/2 months. Why does the universe hate me so? When I meet him, I'm gonna kick his a**.

The price of beauty & I think my pubes have been talking to my eyes...

Last night I was painting my nails. A beautiful deep plum color. My toes & fingers because I wanted to feel purdy. Well I was almost done painting them when I dropped my nail polish. I dropped it all over my light beige carpet. Now it looks like I slaughtered someone in my living room & I am freaking out on how to get the stain out because I am moving in a couple of months. Any cleaning hints?

I went to the optometrist on Friday for my check-up, to get new glasses & some contacts. My eyes have gotten worse. I now have astigmatism or as drummergirl says "your eyes have stigmata?!?!?" Stupid old eyes....

Oh wait.... You're wearing a fanny-pack...

Last week this total a-hole came into my work & started to yell at me. He was trying to be macho and intimidating. I was starting to get flustered because it was early in the morning & I hadn’t had any coffee & I wanted to punch this guy in the throat. I was about to get all ghetto on his arse when I noticed that the a** f*ck was wearing a fanny-pack over a polo shirt that was tucked into his sweatpants. I actually giggled at him while I was staring at his fanny-pack. He then stopped trying to dominate me in the conversation & backed the hell off. Tip for all fanny-pack fashionistas; don’t get butch when sporting a FP, it's pointless.

Dude, are you sure we’re not related?

I am dating a guy who’s Greek. This is the first time I’ve ever dated a Greek man. I think it’s because I am related to pretty much all Greeks in Sacramento in one way or another so I think of Greek men as cousins. Well, while getting to know each other, I found out that his family is from Crete…. My family is from Crete…. Crete is a big island, right? Well it turns out that both our families are from the same Village. Then we noticed that we have the same feet. Now this sounds funny but I just read “Middlesex” which, for those of you that haven’t read it, is about an inbred Greek family so you can see why I would be a bit freaked. He thinks it’s funny…

I'm not ready yet...

The other day I was going potty & looked down & saw a white hair. I thought to myself "goddammit Billie". Billie has white fur & likes to lay on my clean laundry. So I went to pull it out of my venus fro & low and behold, it was connected to me. I got a grey pube. I'm only 30. It's not fair. I pulled the bastard out & called Kiki to cry to her.

What are the teaches of Feta?

I think one of my goals, when I leave on my trip, is to become the Greek American version of “Peaches” while I am in Greece. I want to be called “Feta”…. “Rubbing on my olives like you wanted me, calling me… What are the teaches of Feta?!?!”

I'm freakin' out, man...

I can't believe in less than 4 months I am going to be unemployed & thousands of miles away from my family & friends. I am seriously freaking out about not having a job. I’ve been employed since I was 16. Before that I had to work summers & babysat in the evenings. I’ve never not had a job. Freaking out man. I am sure I’ll be okay while I am lying on some Mediterranean beach somewhere drinking Restina & watching the world go by, but right now while I am trying to tie up loose ends, planning my trip & making sure all will be well at home while I am gone. Freakin’ out man….

Goodbye winter, hello stank man pits...

In the wintertime (not spring or fall because here in Sacramento we only have 2 seasons; winter & hot as hell), I am able to use girlie deodorant. It's fun to pick and choose from all the pretty scents & kinds. Sparkles or no sparkles, moisturizing or not, clear or solid, ect but when it starts heating up I must move on to man deodorant. See, I am of Greek & Mexican descent & my pits get funky in the heat. No matter what I do. The only thing that works is extra duty man stuff. Some people have told me to try the deodorant crystal & to that I must laugh. HA! A hippy crystal take on my pits?

"Mine tastes like a taco!!!!"

There are several commercials out there that either makes me want to vomit or have the “bad touch” feeling to them…

The first one for some kind of pizza rolls or something. There are boys having a sleepover & the sneak downstairs to make some pizza rolls. There are various flavors of pizza rolls so the prepubescent boys start yelling “Mine tastes like a cheeseburger!”, “Mine taste like a pizza!” and then my favorite “Mine tastes like a taco!!!” buy some plump boy. Yes son, I am sure yours tastes like a taco. For some reason this commercial gives me both “bad touch” feeling & makes me pee my pants laughing.

The second commercial that disturbs me opens with an older couple in their home about to walk upstairs with each other when the doorbell rings. Low and behold, it’s the kids & the grandkids. They’ve come over for a surprise visit! Then there is a voice over with a mans voice saying “Aren’t you glad that you are using “blah blah” which lasts 72 hours”. It’s some kind of Viagra drug. So, grandpa was about to bang grandma when the kids c*ck block them. Do you really want gramps playing with the grandkids with a semi? Ick.

The last one grosses me out totally. It is a new mayonnaise commercial. It shows people licking the jars. That is just nasty. Does anyone out there really lick a mayo jar like a cake batter bowl? Gross. Especially since you know that the mayo in a jar starts to separate & turn that clear color around the lid n stuff. Barf…

"Well are you sure you've never stuck your d*ck in some guys a**hole?"

Yes, these are the times that we live in now where you have to ask that specifically. Let me start over fresh; a good friend of mine was in the beginnings of a relationship with a new guy. Now they had the "s*x talk". You know the one where you talk about your s*xual past because you are starting a new relationship & stuff like that is important. Well homie "forgot" to divulge that he had stuck in d*ck in some guys butthole a year ago. She found out from the guy who received said sausage, in passing. He was a friend of a friend. Sac is a small town, people. Secrets are hard to keep here. Just tell the truth. Now she wasn’t freaking out about the past “experimentation” (which was more than once btw), but the fact that he didn’t tell her. HELLO!! I am freaked that now I have to specifically ask a potential mate after we’ve had the “big talk”; “oh, by the way, have you ever stuck your c*ck in any guy’s a**, mouth or anywhere else on a man in a sexual manner?” and “Have you ever received a man schlong in any orifice of your own?”

What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?

Kiki & I went to Evil Betty's birthday party on Saturday & had lots of fun. Manda Panda, Kiki & I hung out & had lots of laughs. Evil Betty showed up slightly tipsy & then he rapidly became more & more intoxicated. Evil Betty drunk reminds me of Leify-greens when he goes to Leif-land. Evil Betty squealed like a little girl when he opened my gift of "Hedwig & the angry inch", which I knew he would. He also grabbed Kiki's boules in front of his two young lovely children. I got to see first hand how much of a raging beyatch his mother inlaw is. Good times. On monday I asked if he had a hangover on Sunday. He didn't but he did have a little surprise in the morning. I guess Evil Betty peepeed himself... HAHAHA. I absolutely heart Evil Betty. He is one of my most favoritist people in the world. To my brother he is known as the "F*ck you guy". Due to one night after many drinks, by brother had to give him a ride home & EB kept on saying "Hey Gynagirl, F*CK YOU!" Happy birthday Evil Betty...

Tattoo = invitation to invade my personal space?

I can't believe the nerve of some people these days. I know I have tattoos & I know that people are curious. That is a good thing, but it's not an invitation to invade my personal space, lift up my shirt or sleeve and touch me. Seriously, perfect strangers think they have the right to come up to me, lift up my sleeve or shirt to check out my tattoos. They don't even ask they just invade. Then they touch them. I have one on my chest and a lady at the grocery store looked down my shirt to see it. It annoys me to no end. Also, fyi anytime someone sticks you with needles, it's gonna hurt so quit asking me if it hurt. Of course it hurts. There are little needles ripping my skin injecting ink into my body. Now it doesn't hurt me enough to make me stop, but yes it does hurt. Kinda like a sunburn while it is healing & it feels like cat scratches when they are inking me. ok, enough b*tching for today...

F*ck the pain away...

I love Peaches. She rules. I am so excited that I am finally going to be able to see her live! I am happy as a little girl. If any of you haven't heard Peaches, go out & listen to her right now.

Etiquette

There are certain things that I believe a large majority of gals hate & some that maybe just me;

1. Don’t push my head if I am giving you a “happy oral” unless you want me to vomit on you. It’s called a “gag reflex” boys. Don’t toy with it.

2. I can handle the boys & the big guy in my mouth, but not your fingers. That’s just gross. Don’t know why, but I think it’s because you open doors & touch more things with your hands than with the twig & berries.

3. This is probably me, but I really don’t like prolonged tongue kissing. A foreign tongue in my mouth for longs periods gross me out.

4. Boobie’s are meant for lovin’ not for tuggin’.

5. If I say “ouch”, it probably means you need to stop what you are doing. Don’t wait until I scream with pain & then ask “does this hurt?”

There are probably many others that I am missing, but I am pretty busy here at work. Guys, I know you probably have some gripes about the ladies. Please feel free to let us know so we can stop doing stuff that bugs you.

That's an "at home" activity

A male pal of mine just told me the funniest story that he is allowing me to share. He was in a public restroom getting ready to peepee. Here is the rest in his words; "you know how men pee, right? they take their manbits out over their pants & hang on to it. Well, my boys ended up resting on my thumb, so I sniffed it while I was whizzing. I guess I didn't notice the guy right next to me until I look over, thumb under my nose & see him looking at me with huge eyes & then he turned away really quick like he didn't see me sniff my thumb."

'Tis a sad sight for sober eyes.

Yesterday I met Drummergirl for lunch at a new little Frenchie soup shop, which is tre bon. While we were eating I spot some guy accross the street with a dog & wearing a headband just like Loverboy so I tell Drummergirl, "Hey look. It's Loverboy with a dog". We giggle & continue our lunch. A few minutes later Loverboy & two jacked up looking punk chicks are at the window of Frenchies cafe. I do a double take because Loverboy looks an awful lot like an old friend that I haven't seen in about a year & half, Frodo Burnvictim, but if Frodo was strung out on Heroin or speed & about 10 years older. I whisper to Drummergirl "Hey, is that Frodo Burnvictim?" She looks & says that it looks like him, but it couldn't be because this guy is all jacked up. When I got home I called Kiki & told her about what we saw. She confirmed that it was probably him. How f*ckin' sad. Ugh, it's very weird to be on lunch from our respective government jobs with one of my best friends & see someone from our past soooo jacked up. It's so sad. Anytime I see someone that I knew from my early twenties that I used to see at partys or even who I partied with now & they look just horrible & strung out, it always weirds me out.

Here are some happier tales of Frodo Burnvictim...

How Frodo Burnvictim got his name; The Burnvictims used to be our brother band. If either of our bands got gigs, we would push for the other to be on the bill. Frodo was the bassplayer. When we met him I thought he looked just like Frodo. His hair was just like Frodo's hair. Hence Frodo Burnvictim.

Mockula & Frodo; Mockula like to mess with Frodo because he was young & punk & put up a good tough front. There was an instance where she crawled accross a bar in a sexy manner & was sexy talking Frodo. Frodo was bright red the whole time still trying to keep his punk face on, but it was impossible because Mockula is such a hottie. I found out a couple of months later that on the way home from the bar he had to take a moment & "finish the job" in some bushes.

Frodo, Billie & Cootie; Frodo would be at our (Kiki's & mine) apartment alot because Kiki was dating the guitarist from the Burnvictims. My cat Billie hates everyone but me, but she loved
Frodo. He had a way with cats. He was sooo sweet with them.

Frodo had to stay with Kiki, her boyfriend & I for a little when he passed out on a roof & fell off onto a glass table & broke many things. Yes, he was a dumb punk, but he was really sweet & nice when you got to know him. He was such a little cutie. So sad....

More ink, sibling nicknames & vitamins

Saturday I woke up in a moody stink. I was feeling sorry for myself because of my foot & what not, so I decided to borrow my moms car (since her's is an automatic) & I went to finish one of my tattoos. I now have a full quarter sleeve on my arm. It's gorgeous. It hurt like a beyatch, too. It took over 2 hours. I tried to read my book while it was getting done, but they were listening to Foreigner. I can't just not sing along. I also got to see my old pals, Johnboy & Cynthia who came for a quick visit before they headed off to the titty bar.

My brother & I are 2 years apart & very close. Lately we have been calling each other new nicknames or terms of endearments. Our old standbys are "Joe-sephus" for him (which is a history of the world part 1 reference) & he calls me "All-eth-eia" (which is a mispronunciation of my name that I absolutely despise). Recently we have taken to call each other derogatory, racist & sexist words that would horrify & offend most people. This weekend was our "N" word weekend. After repeatedly referring to each other as the "N" word & making jokes to each other about it, I came up with the best one.... I went to the store & picked up some pita chips that he likes. He thanked me & said that the tomato & pesto flavor was delicious. I told him I am glad because I picked them out for him because the "Menthol" flavored ones were sold out. That beat my earlier diss when he came over & usually Papi Pequeno runs up to him but this time Papi hid from him. My brother inquired if Papi was "Ok" & told him that Papi was indeed okay, just that he doesn't like "N" words.... Quick footnote.... My brother & I are in no way racists. Sorry if I offended anyone but if you don't like it, eat a d*ck. It's funny.

This weekend I bought vitamins to start the new healthy Gynagirl. I came to work this morning & popped one with a cup of coffee. Big mistake. About 10 minutes later I had to run (which is funny because of my foot) to the bathroom to hack. I've now learned that you have to eat something before you take them.

*oh, I forgot. With my foot being gimppy, I have resorted to master my gansta walk. I have the swagger down, but not the arm movements.

Gynagirl, existentialist & poo conisuier…

I like to share my odd thoughts & dreams with Drummergirl on a daily basis. Today, after my rant, she told me to post this to my blog.

I had an epiphany or an enlightenment last night. I realized that enlightenment is an epiphany that you stick with. I get bored sometimes when I try to go to sleep.

The epiphany was about drinking wheatgrass. It would make me healthier. It wouldn’t change my life, but it would because it would be doing something good on a small level. Then I realized that it is the small things that add up. Then I woke up & had a cigarette. This is not an enlightenment, but an epiphany because I don’t like wheatgrass. I’ll never drink it. Tarded, huh?


Then I thought about how clear it was. I mean I was able to understand it on a molecular level. The words that were my thoughts which were a spark of energy that formed into non-existent words that I was able to dissect to the molecular level, but there wasn’t a molecular level because they are just thoughts. But they do exist. Then my head hurt when I thought more about it & I feel asleep. I love to think about quantum physics & philosophy when I try to fall asleep.


The Clap?

Ode to Markie Mark RIP

When I heard you died, I cried & was sad.
I still love you even though I hate your dad.

You know that I didn’t mean it when I would make fun of your prolapsed rectum,
Because in your eyes I saw loves full spectrum.

I remember you staring at me oddly when you caught me giving your daddy head,
& I also remember having so much fun when we would make the bed.

I loved how you would fetch your stick with the feathers.
I love how you would curl up next to me & keep me warm during the cold weather.

Markie Mark, I will miss you soooo much. I love you my little buck-fanged-dork-prince….

It makes Hall & Oats cry... Say it isn't so....

Here is the delicious picture of Hall & Oats. To all you haters out there, YOU SUCK. HALL & OATS RULE!!! Just listen to "Sara Smile" That song is rad. Anyways, last Tuesday I broke my foot. Try to guess how;

A. I was in a Krunk-off & while I was falling into my dolphin dive, my Adidas shoelace came undone & I tripped over it causing me to fall on my foot breaking it.

B. To make a long story short, I saved the baby & didn't spill a drop of beer but I did break my foot...

C. I fell over some construction on my way to my bus. I fell infront of a thousand people going home from work in rush hour traffic in a skirt. At least I know that I made a few peoples day because I know they were on their cell phones to their loved ones & I could hear them say "DUDE, I just saw some chick hella bite it hard."


Guess which one! I did miss out on St. Patty's day. I couldn't find a Lark or Jazzy in time. I do have to say that last Tuesday was my 2nd worse day of my life. I had a hard day a work, I fell broke my foot & then I found out that my ex's cat died. I loved that cat. It wasn't very pretty in the Gynagirl household that night. When I cry, I hyperventalate. Not purdy.

Which would you do?

I had a absolutely delicious picture of Hall & Oats, but for some reason, it won't let me download it here. Stupid blogger. I couldn't pick. I would do them both. I love them equally. I'd say I was done downloading all my favorite music now that Hall & Oats greatest hits are on my NANO, but I have a few more. I can't wait to hear what my Nano will pair them with.

Jakey the love squirrel...

These are the things I literally think about while I am on the phone with someone who is either yelling at me or crying to me… I made a list of the thoughts for today.

-Jake Gyllenhaal doing push ups without his shirt on.
-Do I really need to poo right now?
-Man my armpits are getting furry.
-If I did own a squirrel, would I dress it up?
-Do I really need a new tattoo?
-Should I get the mermaid or squirrel?
-I seriously love Ben Folds Five.
-If I did own a squirrel, what would I name it?
-Misses Beulah Von Fluffer-Bottom…. Yes, that would be the name.
-Eww. Is that a zit in my ear? Ouch.
-Man my nails are looking good.
-Should I wait for Netflix to send me “Jarhead” or should I just go to blockbusters?
-Jake Gyllenhaal chopping wood….

Wacky adventures of Gynagirl at church

A couple of observations before I get to my church adventures.

-I am so lazy that I buy soup in a sippy cup. I can't even be bothered to use a bowl & a fricken spoon.

-I ate a whole bunch of asparagus last night for dinner. I love asparagus. Now I am sweating asparagus pee smell. Note to self; if you are to eat a pound of asparagus, make sure you have the next day off.

Now on to my church adventures. I took Beastos to his second communion. My mom, Beastos & I had to be at church at 9am. We were hosting a coffee & nibbles hour after Lethurgy (mass, but orthodox) in honor of my Papou's (Grandfather) birthday. We set up & went to Lethurgy. Beastos sat for about 5 minutes before he started to get loud & squirmy. I took him to the back room where they have toys n stuff for little kids. There was a Sunday school going on, but for little bitty kids. They let us hang out with them while the sermon was going on. Beastos was having fun plus they gave him cheez-it's which made him very happy & he was running around laughing at everything. While we were back there, I was talking with some of the other parents about Greece & where to go ect. The bible school teacher was this teenage guy. He had to have been 16 or 17. He was a little hottie. Oh so cute. I thought to myself "Man, if I was 5-wait, 10-nope, 13 years younger". Then I realized that in theory, I could be this kids mom.... Now I would've had to have him when I was 13, but it could've happened. I am now a dirty old lady. It took church to show me that. After the sermon was complete, I took Beastos up to get communion. He squirmed & fought the communion. Afterwards, my step-grandmother asked if I saw what had happened after mass. I told her no. She said that someone spilled the wine & that the priest had to lick it up off the floor. I thought she was kidding. Nope, I guess it is extremely sacred. I thought my job was bad, but I guess having to lick spilt wine off the ground is pretty hard core. I got worried & thought it was when Beastos was fighting taking the wine, but my mom said that it was some little girl infront of us. I am SOOO glad it wasn't us. At least now I know to make sure the Beast takes it without spilling it. Now I have to go again next week. At least I get to spend time with my Grandfather, plus I get to learn more about my religion. Ta-ta for now!

You want me to do what? With the olive oil?

The baptism was beautiful & fun. I lost my voice 2 days before so I read the God stuff like Stevie Nicks without the goat sound. I didn’t know who Pontius Pilates was so when I read his name it was like “point-tus pilates (like the exercise)” but in a Stevie Nicks voice. When I was a kid & was forced to go to church, all the masses were in Greek. After a while, my brother & I would skip Sunday school go across the street to the park & play & spend our donation money on snowcones. So Pontius Pilates is new to me. Beastos screamed like a banshee when the priest dunked him several times in the big urn thing. Then I had to recite more God stuff & rub olive oil all over his little nekked body. Man Greeks really do take the whole olive oil thing seriously. Then about 45 minutes later the ceremony was complete. Well almost. They failed to tell me before hand that I have to take Beastos to church for communion for 3 Sundays in a row to seal the deal. Man, I gotta go to Church for the next 3 Sundays. At the reception, my aunt has a chocolate fountain. Kiki made a deal with Zoecifer that if she ate a chocolate covered tomato that she could eat what ever she wanted for the rest of the evening. Zoecifer ate the atrocious concoction & proceeded to have her face covered in chocolate for the rest of the evening. A lovely evening all in all.

Is anyone else disturbed by the commercial where it shows a little crying girl going into her parent’s room because she can’t sleep without her blankie that apparently is lost? The dad takes her to bed & gives her a roll of toilet paper to sleep with. Heh? I know it’s not used or anything, but that’s just gross. “Here honey, cuddle up with some of daddies skid-marked undies”..

The body & blood of Christ compels you!

This weekend my little nephew (Beastos) is getting baptized this Saturday & I get to be his blessed Godmother. Now as the Godmother, I have stuff I have to get for the ceremony. Greek Orthodox is very similar to Catholicism but just a little more ornate at times. Our priests can marry & instead of just putting the water on the baby’s head, we dunk the little ones in a big holy tub. I am supposed to supply candles, a cross & olive oil amongst other things. I went out this weekend & found him a pretty little gold cross. Very simple, but in a neat shape. There were a couple of crosses where it had a dead Jesus on a anchor. I almost got him one of those. Not sure if the priest would’ve found it as funny as I did. I know my brother would’ve. Second, my mom keeps on asking me if I’ve “gotten the olive oil”. I have olive oil. I have lots of olive oil. Even if I have no food in the house, I always have olive oil. I’m Greek for f*cks sake. This morning one of my aunts emails me to ask “Do you have the olive oil”? Seriously, Greek or not, I don’t know very many people who don’t have olive oil in their kitchen. F*ckin’ olive oil…

No time for love, Dr. Jones

Really busy here at work, but I thought I would just say hello to everyone & ask if anyone else has the "Target" problem. Why can't I go into Target & get what I came there to get without getting $70 in more stuff than I need. I really think it is impossible. I can't just go in & get cat food. Nope, I gotta spend close to $80. Why oh why?

What A Wonderful World

I think it is great being alive in this day & time. I was able to shop for groceries & listen to Peaches "Lovertits" at the same time. How rad is that?!?!?!?!

PS II & grownup stuff...

Well, I know that Valentines was yesterday, but my love affair started on Sunday when I met my new love.... I met him at Fry's. He is tall, dark & handsome. His name is "Playstation 2". He was kinda expensive, but oh so worth it. I've been up late "playing" with him. I get home from work & I grab him & hold him tight & press all his buttons. I think he's the one. I can't wait to see him again!

Today I get to give my first interview for a potential employee. I am going to throw out "staff", "unit" & "member" & combinations there of to see if they giggle or I do. Good times!

Funny, a blog not about my butt..

I got an Ipod Nano for X-mas from my mom. It’s a 4GB & holds roughly 1,000 songs. Now I thought this would be enough for me when I go on my trip, but now that I have only half of my music collection that I deem necessary & even those are select songs, my little Ipod is full. I have a huge stack of cds that need to be burned, but no room. For the last 2 weeks I have been going through my Ipod & deleting songs that may not be necessary. Can I see myself running to catch a train in some eastern European country listening to Depeche Mode’s “Something to do”? Yes, yes I can. That is the problem. How much Depeche Mode is enough? Do I really need 20 songs? I already cut down my Cure list to 5 from about 3 albums & that isn’t including “Disintegration” which is my favorite. It already hurt to cut down my Tori Amos list. Next on the chopping block is Billie Holliday. Do I really need 15 songs from her? Yes, Yes I do…. Damn..

“So he starts to beat the children with the small Asian lady.”

If you a strong stomach & a sick sense of humor, you have to see “The Aristocrats”. The best documentary EVER!!!

Last night I was too tired to cook so I opened a little can of corn nibblets & added some salt & pepper & went to town on it. A half of an hour latter I was hungry still so I went to get a bowl of cereal. I didn’t have anymore soy milk, so I looked to see what I could use instead of Soy milk because I really wanted the cereal. I had a can of Slim Fast… Hmmm… Kinda like milk. So I dump my grape nuts into a bowl & soak them with Slim Fast. Tasted just fine, but this morning my a** is exploding corn & grape nuts. I really believe it is the Slim Fast’s fault. NEVER mix cereal with Slim Fast….

Cat fight

Yesterday morning on my way to work, I saw a girl fight in front of Dennys. It wasn't a very violent fight. Just a lot of slapping & hair pulling. I was a bit dissapointed, but hey, it was 7:30 am & a crappy fight is better than no fight. Not as fun as a bum fight, but still fun none the less....

Are you retarded or just socially inept?

Today I was outside giving myself cancer when a man comes up to me & starts commenting on the weather. Usually I wouldn’t think anything of it. I am used to small talk by people who don’t like silence, even when you are a complete stranger. This guy starts to get red & giggle when he says something about the rain. Now in my head I am thinking “are you a tard?” I look at his clothes and I don’t think the guy is, but he is totally acting like one. So then I think “oh, you must be nervous talking to a girl. Oh boobies”……

Thea Hiro pooping thea....

This is art!

I'm telling mom...

This morning, oh I'll say about 2 am, my brother who is my next door neighbor, decided he would have a party. Not just people, but he also decided it would be a good idea to play his drums & his congas. I called & he said he would quiet down. 15 minutes go by & nothing quiets down. I call a second time & he doesn't answer his phone. Another 15 minutes go by & I about had it, so I get out of bed, get dressed & go next door to hurt him. Once again I get an apology & I go back home & try to sleep. Let's just say I didn't get back to sleep until way after 3:30 am. I almost slept through my alarm & now I am grouchy & tired & not looking forward to working my 11 hour day. So I call my mom this morning to tell her that I wouldn't be watching my nephew while my brother worked. So my mom is going to rip him a new one. Yeah, I know I'm 30 & he's 28, but I can still kick his ass & then fart on his head in victory when we fight.

I seriously love George Michael

Really I do. That's it. Just listening to his greatest hits. LOVE LOVE LOVE him. Always have....

I'M ALIVE

Sorry y'all, I had the stomach flu so I was p*ssing out of my arse & vomiting last week. I have a lot to catch up on for the next few days so I will write soon. Stay tuned for my love of my new Ipod nano, watching the 40 yr old virgin (funny) & I have a "You are so gay because your butthole has lips" & more tales of my butt...

God is good....

This afternoon after I had made a woman cry because "you are taking my childrens grocery money" even though she told me that if she "has any money in my bank account, I spend it", I went outside for a smoke & saw a man with down syndrome sporting some MAJOR bling. He had gold chains & a HUGE medallion. And I thought I was done laughing at people all day after make that lady cry & laughed at her. God is good...

Thank you for calling. Now eat sh*t and die...

I was in a meeting with my bosses & my big boss said that "Gynagirl has the gift of being rude on the phone to people but they don't realize it. They even thank her afterwards. Some people just have the gift of that." I was a little offended, but also proud at the same time.

Gynagirl goes Eurotrash....

I think I figured out a rough itinerary for my very GynaEuropean pilgrimage…
July thru August- Ireland, The Netherlands, Eastern Europe.
August thru September- Eastern Europe, Germany, Portugal
September thru October- Italy, Spain & Motherland (Greece),
October thru November- Motherland (Greece), France & England


Now I just have to figure out how to get back to Germany for Octoberfest....

Email to & from Evil Betty concerning work stuff...

Gynagirl: Why does it make me giggle when I hear “You are a member of our staff”?

EvilBetty: because it's funny

GG: You must be an upstanding member of our unit…

EB: sometimes our unit can be difficult, but you can't find a better unit anywhere..
sometimes if feel our unit will never be overstaffed.

GG: If a member of our unit isn’t standing on their own, the other members feel the pressure to step up & fulfill our staffing obligations…

EB: keep a positive unit and the entire staff will be satisfied.

GG: You don’t want your staff growing soft on you so it is very important to handle each member in a professional but firm manner…

EB: I do believe you win...hands down

Camels, Gold & Hommes, Oh my....

It’s been awhile since I posted a picture of Josh Homme, so here is my Homme-age… Anyways, yesterday was sooo much fun. Drummer Girl, Mockula & I went to our cable interview. The interview was fine, but the fun was had in the hall waiting the hour & half for the interview. Here are a few highlights… There was talk of “look ma, no hands” tksiki (you seriously don’t want to know about this one). We talked at length about what kind of dinkers we would have if we were boys. I would have a huge one (because I wear a size 11 shoes & my hands are bigger than most guys), Drummergirl would have a long skinny one & Mockula would have a big fatty. Then we discovered Mockula’s camel toe (pictures to follow) which then lead us to a new song “Toe of the Camel” which will be sung to “Eye of the Tiger”. There were cartwheels & handstands. Slamming of diet soda for the burp factor, which didn’t work because the diet pepsi in the machine was old & flat. Talk of double stuffing our pants with socks. Lots of PC exercising & last but not least, Drummergirl informed me that you can buy vitamins with flecks of gold in them which made me want to buy some just so I could have gold flecked poo. For all you local people, I will let you know what day & time it will be showing.

Breakin’ the law…

I got a call from my mom this weekend. I guess Cute Crazy Guy got put in jail for going awol while he was on work project from an earlier charge of “threatening death or GBI” (as the online inmate info read). She was all worried so I told her that I would try to visit him as he was in County lock up & I work right next door. I was pretty excited. Living the sheltered life I live, I’ve never been to prison or visited anyone in prison. I have 3 prison guards, a sheriff and a retired narcotics police officer in my immediate family. This was an adventure waiting to be had. At lunch yesterday I walked a block over to county lockup & waited in line to enter with all the tweakers, bums, baby’s mama’s, a HUGE woman in a lark & a few scared looking people. It was a jolly time. I seriously would just recommend going down to the county jail just to people watch. FYI you have to fill out a visitation form before you get to the window. Also they have a lovely fish tank in the lobby. Once you fill out the form you take it to the window & they schedule a visitation then you come back at that time. You go up to the floor where the inmate is & ring a bell. Tell them the name, wing, pod (I know weird) & bed number & then they ring you in with your window letter. You go in & at least on the floor I was on, it is like a big arena box seat overlooking the commons area of the internal prison. Surprisingly clean & tidy. No inmates were in there. You have a glass booth with a metal stool & a phone. Luckily CCR (Cute Crazy Guy) is getting out today or tomorrow instead of the 90 days originally. He looked in good spirits. Wasn’t able to ask if he still had his behyndmen like I usually ask people who have been in prison. I will have to save that question for a latter date.